made the hotline woman cry…(Content warning - CSA. Added by MNHQ)

[OneBrightAzureBiscuit]

hi,
just wanted to post on here as somewhere to turn, just a handhold or any words of advice or anything. I’ve been crying for a little while…

so tonight I was angry about life after being in a depressive state for weeks, I’ve been feeling like a waste of space and pointless about everything. I felt particularly angry tonight and hopeless at life so decided to phone a suicide hotline as I have been feeling that way:/
the conversation started by me telling her how I feel worthless, done with life and furious at life and what I’ve been through but then it got onto the subject of the reason why I am the way I am- my childhood and my dad’s abuse. He abused me in all ways mainly sexually, physically and verbally. His words of calling me a waste of space as a young child is what is hardwired into me now and what I honestly believe. I told the woman on the other end of the phone how he used to touch me as a child sexually, show me porn, send me text messages telling me to suck his “C” not putting the word here… he used to do so much more like he would walk in on me changing and refuse to leave- just staring and smirking humiliating me, would walk in on me in the bath as there was no lock and stand and touch my breasts. He would hand me his phone and show me porn, he did so much I won’t list it all here but he would lead me upstairs for a cuddle- I would go because he was affectionate and loving and cuddly but then he wouldn’t let me into the bed for a cuddle with him unless I took my trousers and knickers off. I can still feel him touching my body and the sad feeling I felt when he would run his hands over my bum and chest. I was only 6 or so. After all the things he would say that all dads did it with their daughters and how it was a form of love. To this day I still question if it was really abuse. He told me it was normal. When I told the call handler that he used to throw me on my head and smash my head, I could hear her crying and sniffling. I am crying because my past has ruined me, made me into a bitter resentful person with lots of mental issues.
just getting it off my chest helps and if anyone has any words of advice or a handhold, that would be lovely. Just feeling rlly sad and crying tonight :( xx

I didn’t want to read this and not write you anything.

i am so, so incredibly sorry that you went through all of those awful things.

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, please know this - you are not worthless, you are valued and you are loved, you are so, so, so much more than what he inflicted upon you.

You were a helpless child, I know it is easier said than done, of course, but don’t let him steal the rest of your life also. If you’re in a position to get yourself some help or therapy then that will only be a positive, but I understand how that can be a very difficult step to take.

I don’t know you, I’m in no way a professional - but please know that I am rooting for you and cheering you on. Try to keep looking forward, not back.

I hope this helps to raise even a tiny smile amongst the dark this morning.

X

I’m so sorry he did this to you. I really hope you get the help you need. You sound like you’re processing so much. Please give yourself a chance to get through this xxx

I am so sorry you were treated so abominably by your dad. He didn’t deserve to be a parent to a lovely child. You should have been loved, adored and cherished. I hope that you find a way to give that love to yourself that you deserve. Big hugs.

I didn’t want to read and not write anything. I am so sorry you went through all these terrible things.
i don’t have advice for you - but handholding.

I am so, so sorry to read this, OP. Your father was/is a person filled with hate, and people like that tend to want to destroy everyone and everything around them. It wasn't your fault.

I really hope you can get some professional help to deal with this. I also wonder if telling the police and having him prosecuted might help. He should be in jail.

Sending you lots of hugs and sympathy across the miles xxx

I'm so sorry you went through this as a child . I wish we could be more help. I hope that someone on here can help you more than just by saying how sorry we are .

I am so, so, sorry you had to endure such a childhood.

Please know that many people care about you - people on MN and elsewhere.

He has gone now - and he can no longer hurt you.

Tell us OP, what gives you joy in your life now? What gives you happiness? It’s all about you now, nobody else xx

We love you. ❤️

OP, I’m so sorry to read what happened to you. You have been courageous to speak about it, on the helpline and here with us too. Your dad abusing you was one the most horrendous betrayals of trust, power and authority that a child can experience, and it’s no wonder it is impacting you to this day. Your anger makes complete sense.
I wonder if you might like some more in depth help to process the trauma you’ve been through, OP. Most local rape crisis centres work with historical child sexual abuse, are free to access and can offer a block of support with staff who are trained in this area. They sometimes offer ways to connect you with other survivors too, such as supported groups, to help you understand that you are not alone (in what has often have been an incredibly isolating experience) and to gain support from others who’ve survived this too.
Good luck OP, we are rooting for you and I hope you can see there’s a lot of people here who care about you.

I never had abuse to this same level at all but I did have verbal and physical in my childhood. Even that make me absolutely miserable every day. You are such an amazing person and you are not what happened to you.

If you can, speak to gp tomorrow and get professional help from a psychologist.

You can get through this and you do deserve an amazing life. Good luck

Oh OP, nothing I could write could make you whole again, and yet that is what I wish to do. Hold you, protect you and punch your genitor real hard. I hope you are in therapy! There are groups as well for survivors of abuse. Watch Gisèle Pelicot who chose to stand infront of everyone telling about the abuse her husband and hundreds of men did to her just because she wanted to show all victims that they were not to feel any shame. The shame is on the perpetrators.

Be careful about relationships so you don't get involved with abusive men. Survivors of abuse often have low selfesteem and think they "deserve" to be treated like shit. You do not!!! I hope you're in therapy to build yourself up. Sending love! ❤️🩷🧡💛💚🩵💜

You are an important person who should have been loved. You must love yourself now and calling that hotline was an act of love for yourself. Keep going, every day teach yourself how to love yourself. Keep your boundaries, treat yourself kindly and know and tell yourself how worthy you are.

You deserved better.

You deserved better.

You deserved better.

He is a criminal and an abuser.

You deserve better.

Please please please go to your GP and ask for trauma focused therapy from your local mental health team.

Your low mood and feeling hopeless and angry are normal responses to what you have been through but there are therapies that can help.

Well done for phoning the help line. The operators tears show you how we are connected as humans. Whilst we cant truly understand or feel each others pain and experience we feel it together on some level. That’s what helplines are for and the operators will have their own support.

It is possible to live a life with purpose, meaning and moments of joy after even the most awful experiences in life. Please believe me that this is said from years of working with people who have been through similar. It’s not easy but it’s possible. And you are worth it and you deserve it.

Sending you love and strength. ❤️

I cannot imagine the depths of hell that you endured. I am amazed at how strong you are, living in that environment, then reaching out and calling the help line and then to come here and tell all these people. To live through that and come out the other side shows such resilience, such strength. Things must seem so dark now, but you have already endured the absolute worse.

You can come through this.

He doesn’t own you, he doesn’t own your body your memories or your mind. Show that bastard he’ll never have control over you again - that control is yours and he no longer can hurt you.

Find somewhere to talk, process, reflect and to heal. cleanse yourself from him and re-build.

We are all rooting for you.

Hi OP.

I am glad you are angry.

You should be angry.

You have every right to it.

What happened to you at the hands of your father makes me angry too.

You do matter you know.

The lady on the phone cried because you matter.

People answer your post because you matter.

You have touched my life; I will never forget your post, and you matter to me.

xx

I'm sorry this happened to you and you are going through this. I am not a professional but I wanted to share a technique I use to help me process childhood trauma. I look at the clothes children wear at different ages to help me get perspective on how small I was or how young to help me separate child me from adult me. A six year old is around yr1 in school - their clothes are tiny, tiny things. You were a child. You were helpless and needed his protection. He abused that trust. I am sad for you but I am also very angry this adult man would do that to a vulnerable child. You are not the person who is worthless - he is. I hope you can understand that all this stuff in your head is because of a worthless weak man and should not be your burden to carry. You deserve to be loved and feel love. Opening up and clearing out all this junk is the first step to healing. I send you positivity and strength for your journey.

Op, you deserved so much better. I am so very sorry ❤️

@mumsnet - please add a trigger warning to the title x