Bestfriend Lied to my face

[Iamtrying30]

Should I confront my best friend who lied straight to my face.

Backstory my best friend is also my husband sister so my SIL, we have kids who are cousins and they adore one another. We both also struggle with mental health and S/H.

My best friend asked me to watch my niece and my son while she had a telephone call. While she was on the phone my son entered the room (autistic toddler) when I went to get him out. I heard her say "there was 3 adults in the house and how she feels bad that I feel like a sh*t mum". As the day before she offered to watch my son and I forgot to tell her to feed him, so she didn't as she thought he ate so he went without food or drink for hours and I felt so crappie about it.

Now that might not seem like a big deal, but I have asked her specifically not to discuss me as her ex really doesn't like me (blames me for their split) and has called social on me before for made up reasons. After she told her that she sometimes watches him so I can sleep. As he's autistic and sleeps for only 4 to 6hours most nights, so I'm often exhausted. So the ex called social while drunk saying I leave my kid with her all the time (literally been a handful of times in 2yrs) and am lazy etc. House is immaculate, child wants for nothing. But of course social had to visit and after that I told her not to discuss me or my son with anyone as her group is so toxic and immature.

I asked her If she mentioned what happened on her phone call and said I was annoyed as I've asked her not to discuss me or my son and she stated she didn't and swears on my son and her child's life. But I heard her!! Now I feel gaslighted, annoyed and like I can't trust her.

I know she struggles with self harm and previously when we have had disagreements its come to my attention she has self h**med and been crying all night etc and then I feel awful. Like its my fault and I shouldn't have said anything. But I'm so angry and feel like I need to confront her.

So should I? Thanks for any advice it's much appreciated.

That was quite hard to follow but if she’s your best friend and SiL, just move on. Sounds like you both need support, the friendship and for the sake of all the kids. Just let it go :-)

It's really not worth falling out over. You're making it into something it doesn't need to be.

She is entitled to have friends who are not you, and to vent to them too. Her ex is a loon but he is just one person and would do the same regardless of the facts or anything she might have said. I would try to be less reliant on her. She sounds very fragile.

Thank you for your advice. A massive part of me wants to just let it go. If this was the only instance, I think I would have already. It's just this is a series of things one after another which has made me feel a lack of trust in her now. I adore my niece and see her daily and feel like I need to put up with alot in order to keep the peace. She completely disrespects my home, goes against my wishes. Says things and then backtracks on them and asks me for specific dates and times as to when she's said or done something. Made a comment about me being massive and then says I take it the wrong way etc. She knows I have ocd and need things done in a specific way or I can't relax and have major anxiety, so if she goes to do it, say for example the dishes. Then I will say just leave it and I will do it once I get a minute and she goes in a mood with me. She always guilt trips me into getting her way and regardless of how many times we have the same issues like leaving dangerous objects around I.e. lighters, scissors etc (my sons obsessed with them as he's autistic) she just continues and makes me feel on edge. She asks to stay if she had an appointment so I can watch her child (which I don't mind at all) but then ends up staying for days on end and them it gets to a point I need to ask her to go home for a day or 2. As she's so messy and I feel like I can't do anything while she here. I even need to ask her to leave the room so i can get changed and every time she looks so put out as if I'm an Inconvenience and seems stroppy. Basically I feel like this is the final straw and I'm just so annoyed. I cook for her all the time, but then she makes sly remarks about how i never make her a coffee as a random treat. But I don't even make myself coffee! I'm so busy with my son. But if I ever make any food or drinks she's always offered and never expected to help. I help her whenever she needs financially also and just decorated and paid for all the stuff in her daughters room as I know she's not great with money but nothing ever seems enough.

Also to add she offers all the time to watch my son, as she adore him and if I say thank you, but I'm fine she takes it as if I'm saying I dont trust her. When I have tried to explain that I don't want to take advantage and that's why 9 times out of 10 I say no. I also stopped her from watching my son in her home as his grandmother told me he nearly fell out her 14th floor window as it was left open and had a chair underneath he was also playing with a lighter (zippo) and sucking the gas from it. He was playing with an electric drill and his grandmother had to take pennies and magnets out his mouth and away from him. Her house isn't safe for a daredevil, autistic toddler who has no understanding of safety. So please don't assume that I rely on her for babysitting as that's not true at all. I enjoying having my son at home with me and since her daughter was born June 2023. She has watched him once while me and hubby went to the cinema at my home for 3hours and this occasion where I went for a 2hour nap after being up for 36hours with my son.

Also I encourage her to make new friends and have introduced her to a few of mines who she's now friendly with. I want her to have a wider circle of people who are kind to her and treat her well. The few friends she has from teenage years she says herself call her names, put her down and betray her trust all the time. Hence why I called her circle immature. She's often told me she's been crying or upset by things they have said and done to her.

Stop “adoring” her child/your niece. You may feel whatever about the child but her mother is a user who yses her child to exploit you. Your SIL is a user, a liar, manipulative, mean to you, and a danger to your son who she exposes to lighters etc…although she has been warned not to.

You have OCD snd your son has ASD. SIL is an irritant to you and you are sn irritant to her. Limit your exposure.

I think you both communicate poorly and take offence as a result. This is a non issue but you are harbouring so many minor grudges that it feels bigger. Nobody with good communication skills let's someone stay for days on end.

I expect she could tell a very similar story in reverse (she calls me messy but also gets grumpy if I offer to help with the dishes). You also know so much about each other's lives to feel you can judge and try to fix each other, but you don't like it, maybe she doesn't either.

You spend too much time together and have a dynamic that isn't making either of you happy. A bit more space and filling your lives with other things, so you enjoy each other but also have other places to go/people to see would be the best outcome. I think a major fall out would leave you both worse off.