Overwhelmed with life

[MyEdgyZebra]

I’m completely overwhelmed with life right now and don’t know where to go from here.
i have been off work the last 4 days with dreadful flu. Been off before this 3 weeks because of a miscarriage and other times because of illness/sleepless nights, my boys are aged 2+1.
i feel horrendous about having been off so much but then at the same time i genuinely don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
On top of this my partner is a doctor and works horrendous shifts which means I’m left alone with the boys all night and then somehow have to make it to work the next day. I am completely failing at this.
I went back to work in September (teacher ) and my full time job plus my partner’s job plus 2 v small children is making me feel so miserable and stressed.
i don’t know what to do? Do i just quit work? Will i end up just being fired anyway for my absences? I have no one to talk to, feel so alone. Any advice please 🙏

I think you need longer to recover after flu and your miscarriage. I'm very sorry that happened to you. Can you ask your GP to sign you off for two weeks at least?

I agree with this. The Dr was lovely when I got overwhelmed and signed me off for a month without any further questions. If you're worried about the impact on work then just a week or two might be enough to rest and recover a bit. I'm not surprised it feels too much right now, you have a lot on your plate and have been through a lot (I also have a partner with a Big Important Job that can be very full on).

I just don’t know how to cope with this job. Will i be frowned upon:( our little boys of course we love them dearly, due to their age it makes sometimes getting into work really tricky. I don’t know how to balance life.
is it best to just quit, cut my losses or take some time off and recover from flu ? I already had to have 3 weeks off for a miscarriage in October
thanks for replying, i feel like i have no one

Oh no OP. Sorry you're going through this.

I would stick at the teaching job as much as you can with a doctors note. It's the school's responsibility to provide cover for you if you are sick. As a teacher you will always have a job so maybe just see how it goes with an extended doctors note.

Your health is the priority.

I think being so unwell this week is making everything feel a million times worse.
in my 20’s pre kids i never had so much time off from work and now i just seem to become unwell so easily. It’s so tough life at the moment, my partner just says ‘just quit’ but it’s just not that easy.
I want to do the best thing for everyone but completely failing and letting everyone down right now

I think if you're able to quit then that's your answer.

At the very least get your GP to sign you off and let yourself recover. Then if you want to go back you can sleep train the kids and get back into things.

But all in all it's impossible to do nights with a 1+2 year old, recover mentally and physically from a miscarriage and then teach all day. You will burn out, I'm barely able to stay awake for my wfh job let alone be teaching all day.

If you quit, your school will cope and the kids will get a new teacher. All will be fine x

@MyEdgyZebra you say, 'I want to do the best thing for everyone but completely failing and letting everyone down right now' and I wonder if that statement reveals your biggest problem? How fair on yourself is that statement? Are you completely failing? It doesn't sound like it. It particularly doesn't sound like it in the face of a miscarriage (the physical and psychological impact and recovery should not be underestimated), and having flu, AND small children with the constant demands and lack of sleep this brings. And a full-time teaching job which is no walk in the park from what I've seen of friends who are teachers.

It sounds like you have options and could pause or change your work for a while. Would it be better to decide to take a break from full-time teaching for a defined period (e.g. 1/2/3 years) and look at other options such as part-time, job share, tutoring, perhaps starting next academic year? - I don't know because I'm not a teacher so I might be wide of the mark about the options.

Saying, 'this is too much, I need to change things, make things simpler and less stressful for me' isn't weakness, it isn't failing, it's pragmatic self-care. Incidentally, of those friends who are teachers I don't know any who went back full-time with very young children unless their partners had compatible jobs or they had a lot of support.

In the short-term can you be signed off for longer and have some help from somewhere to get a couple of undisturbed nights sleep so that you can get some perspective back and decide what is best for you?

Get signed off to recover from flu. Discuss with your employees if there are changes you can make to make things more manageable eg. Part time work instead.
Or apply for a career break rather than quit completely.
This period of life is awful but it doesn't last for ever.

I’m worried about how my absences look, that I’m not performing at the level i should be. I’m trying so hard but with multiple factors against me at the moment. I’m such a worrier 😢 and not very kind to myself at all. Have spent most of this time off work just worrying as opposed to trying to feel better.
will i be frowned upon/disciplined for my absences?
thank you for any advice

Sorry you feel so ill op and it's absolutely understandable why you are feeling overwhelmed. You are in the thick of it with parenting and balancing your job with virtually no input from your DH by the sound of it.

OK he's a doctor, that's marvellous, but he doesn't just get to swan off and leave all of the parenting juggling and fallout to you. No wonder you are ill from trying to manage it all.

Did you discuss this with him before you had DC? This has to be a family decision with him coming up with solutions too. It's not fair for him to say "just quit" because that's convenient for him. What about the impact on your long-term career, your pension,and your security should your marriage break down?

By all means take a career break during this very tough period when the DC are waking at night and catching all the bugs going around and passing them on to you. But don't fall in to the trap of all childcare being 100 % your responsibility; he should be participating in the decision-making around this! I'm enraged on your behalf that your DH is do dismissive! Easy for him to say 'just quit" isn't it, like childcare issues and your career have nothing to do with him?

I'd say a 2 and a 1 year old is a full time job in itself. Being a full time teacher is a full time job and a half in itself.

If you can possibly manage financially on just your DH income for a few years I'd wait until your two are in primary and then consider going back to work.

Teachers are so in demand I'd have thought (but this as a hunch not backed up advice) that you'd easily find another teaching job in a few years time if you take a break now.

And I would think very carefully before having a third child. IMO that's just going to be overwhelming. Stick with two and give them all your love and attention. But I understand this is a very personal decision

As an aside on the issue of your DH not doing any childcare – my mother was a consultant paediatrician, and my mum and dad role reversed when I was 7, my brother 4. He stayed at home, looked after everything and sorted us all out, all the cooking, etc. and he was great at it.

My mum continued in her job, often didn't get home until seven at night,, then was often on call every other weekend for the whole weekend, and also got called out in the middle of the night for extremely urgent cases. She did a very hard job and was great at it. But there was no way she had time or energy to also do any childcare, cooking, etc. she made the Christmas cake and birthday cakes and that was it.

She is now in her 80s, but still gets people recognising her in town and thanking her for what she did for their kids. Saving lives and diagnosing really difficult conditions.

Personally I think the PP who advised your DH should step up and do more childcare is not reasonable if his job as a doctor is anything like the job my mum did as a doctor so I wouldn't personally follow that advice...

Teaching is a tough gig especially with young kids - the germs are relentless too (ex primary teacher here )
Can you afford to take a few years out at least until they are both in nursery / school?
Or, go PT (but you need discipline not to work on your days off)
All the best and so sorry to hear of your miscarriage :(

Go part time or take a career break!

Or just get signed off, recover then accept it does get a bit easier if you hang on in there.

Most of my salary goes on childcare anyway! I think our problem is both of our full time demanding jobs plus a 1 year old and 2 year old just is causing absolute burnout. I have no option to go part time unfortunately, they need full time.
tbh I’m just thinking about a complete career change as it is. Teaching has changed so much the last few years, it’s become significantly more demanding. It’s absolutely daunting to take the leap to quit but my physical and mental health in our current situation is rock bottom.
i think short term i need more time off, i mean Ive got absolutely terrible flu, how on earth can i be back Monday? Long term maybe a career switch might be a good move. The hours my partner works combined with teaching is a recipe for disaster

Can you live on your partner's wage? If so, quit as soon as possible. My partner is a doctor and there would have been no way in hell I would have been doing the lion share of the parenting and housework and teaching. They won't have time to help you.

As a teacher you will be able to pick up more work when both are in primary school. I had five years out and walked into another job very easily.

Also you get to bring your children up yourself which I know is a controversial way of saying it but you would rather than spending all day with other people's kids?

The only reason i went back after having children is i was worried about my c.v! Worried about how it would look. How did you find being out for so long and then returning? Good decision? @bridgetjonesmassivepants

I found it very easy to go back. I teach secondary English and just sent my CV round schools I liked the sound of. Landed a very nice part time job straight away and got a childminder to drop my kids off at school for the three days a week I worked. Eventually I built up more days over the next ten years when it suited.

I can't imagine trying to teach with such small children and a medic partner. We had very little money till I went back to work and my partner's career progressed but it was worth it. I brought my kids up not anyone else and I supported my partner by taking over the parenting and household.

Also you are recovering, you just need time and a bit of breathing space.

Could you work part time or supply maybe

I wouldn't make any decisions until your are fully recovered from the flu as I had this horrible flu a few weeks ago, as did a few family members and every single one of us said that it left us feeling horribly depressed, with no previous issues before hand, it was horrible but thankfully we are all feeling better now.

@CountingDownToSummer - I think that is very good advice, More should be said / researched about the mental health aspects of many of these physical viruses… I often feel very low and overwhelmed after things such as flu and yet there seems to be very little written about that on the NHS or other places.

Actually that's a very good point, my DH had the same virus and he is normally a very upbeat person but he said it made him feel utterly despondent and despairing. He's fine now but I was quite shocked at the time.

It's interesting that when you read books from the pre-antibiotic era, there's such an emphasis on recovery and convalescence, and a definite trend to describe people as down and weepy after flu.

Obviously the diseases are now more treatable with one treatment or another, but we might need to be aware of that issue too.

Your life does sound overwhelming, objectively. So while I would agree with the decision to wait and have a couple of weeks to recover before any big decision, I don't mean that this is just a period of feeling low after a virus: maybe you have hit rock bottom and need to make changes.