Is my mother a narsassist

[Junime]

My mother has never respected my privacy and seems to have no idea about social ques and gets defensive in an instant.
As a teen living at home she would just walk in and never knock to the point I pushed my wardrobe against the door to have some privacy something she still brings up to this day I'm now 40.
She has always remarked on my figure both when I've gained weight and lost weight, always in a negative manner eg and quote "you have completely lost your waist" & "don't loose any more weight you'll look gaunt".
She is an extremely negative person which she cannot see and says she's just realistic.
If I bring up anything positive she finds a way of bringing me down.
She has disliked me & my dad hanging out for as long as I can remember and always blames it on us drinking which is complete bullshit.
She asks very personal questions and gets offended, upset when I won't tell her (I'm starting to limit what I share with her , which I should of done a very long time ago)
She says she has no confidence but she thrives when the spotlight is on her. She has no friends and her sister who I'm very close with thinks she might be on the spectrum.
I'm after some advice really,
Does this sound narsassistic to anyone? How would you deal with this? I have tried so hard, organised suprise parties for her , invited her away on a girls weekend for the two of us.
Me and husband host Christmas every year but it's all just making me miserable, I hated it this year which breaks my heart because I love Christmas.
I've tried talking to her but she's impossible to talk to as she's so defensive. she will bring up the most unpleasant conversations at inopportune times and when I try to change the subject at all or hear her out & play devils advocate she'll say I'm always siding with my dad, it's infuriating. She never listens, she's zone out on conversations and tune back in when it suits her and makes everyone else replay what's just been said completely breaking the flow of any conversation.
I just don't know what to do to be honest, I'd love to know if this sounds familiar by to anyone else asks if you've been able to put a "label" on it asks help yourselves???

Yes she's a narcissist. She sounds like my mum (who passed away recently)....another family member thought she was on the spectrum, which I found very insulting given that I'm autistic. There's nothing you can do.

https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Dr Ramani on YouTube is good too.

Thankyou, how have you handled your mum's passing? I've frequently thought how i don't think I would miss her when she goes, which sounds awful I know

Narcissists make up less than 1% of the population, according to most research.

Your mother might be part of that 1% or she could be a very unhappy person, who doesn't get on with you and you don't get on with her.

There are a lot of narcissist traits in there, but no one on the internet can diagnose her :)

She also sounds like my mother. I think my mother is a narcissist, but I've found that it's not necessarily helpful to use that term, particularly as it's overused these days. What I've found more helpful is to focus on her behaviour.

So, think about specific behaviours your don't like. Think about any you do. A lightbulb moment for me was realising that I considered a successful visit to my mother to be one where she didn't upset me. I didn't actually ever enjoy visiting her or get any pleasure out of it - I was simply doing so out of obligation and to avoid the fall out if I didn't.

Setting boundaries is very important. So (e.g.) tell your mother that you will leave if she speaks to you in a certain way and then do it. No, she won't like it, but your main focus should be yourself.

Oh - with respect to being on the autistic spectrum. Although some of the behaviours of narcissists and people on the autistic spectrum can look similar the absolutely key difference is if you tell a person with ASD that their comment has upset you, they will be horrified, apologise, and make every effort not to do it again.

If you tell a narcissist that their comment has upset you they will tell you that you are being ridiculous and oversensitive, that their comment wasn't upsetting and if it's upset you, you probably deserved it anyway.

Basically - motivation behind the behaviour is different.

Absolutely, my mother just gets defensive. ALWAYS

I saw her yesterday and I realise I just dislike her intently. I have so much anger towards her, is this normal? For those of your with narsassistic parents?
Yesterday she seemed to deliberately try to antagonise me by making negative comments about things around my house, I really try not to react but it's very hard then if I do let's just pay this example ... My mum "I've turned your kitchen lights off" me, why? I like them on . My mum ok I'll turn them back on , I thought I was being helpful " to which I replied my house my rules then she proceeds to storm out of my house asks easier but the car for my dad to leave .... Then she'll play the victim to my dad and make me seem like the bad guy.
Honestly I just can't deal with that level of immaturity it's pathetic.
Does that sound ridiculous to anyone else???

It's seems so petty but I'm genuinely feel I'm doing mad sometimes

My mum "I've turned your kitchen lights off" me, why? I like them on . My mum ok I'll turn them back on , I thought I was being helpful " to which I replied my house my rules
What?? That's a perfectly normal thing to do/say, yours is very ott.

Sometimes it is just old fashioned personality clashes. Your dad and you have similar personality traits so you get on better. Sometimes mothers overstep adult boundaries because they still see you as a child and can find it harder to do an adult/adult instead of parent/child. Fathers don't seem to have that difficulty for some reason.

A therapist told me a key component is when they think you must feel the exact same way as them.

They just can’t deal with you having a different view or opinion on things. Somehow not seeing the world the same way as them is often seen as a criticism of them. And remember their ego is incredibly fragile.

Whatever the label, she is making you unhappy and you need to set up boundaries. Grey rock, reply don’t react, low contact, whatever YOU need to do to protect yourself.

My mother died 5 years ago. I feel awful saying it, but it has only brought relief. All the complicated feelings I had about our relationship just faded away.

Thankyou @Imgoingtobefree I really appreciate your honesty.
If I don't agree with my mum she always sees it as a personal attack, it's infuriating.
I just can't talk to her about anything at all.
I genuinely dislike her and what I hate the most is that it effects the brilliant relationship I have with my dad