I struggled since I was young with depression/anxiety but a couple of years ago I had breast cancer and the treatment put me abruptly into menopause and I am on tamoxifen (an eostrogen blocker) to help prevent it coming back and the hormonal stuff makes me feel so dark and kind of paranoid. I don't know that it's necessarily worse than when I was menstruating, it's just different and has particular quality where I feel like my brain has physically changed. I don't know what to do and I'm struggling. I don't want to take anti depressants as I've tried a few in the past and they had a really bad effect on me - I became much more impulsive and acted on self-harm thoughts, whereas I wouldn't have before (and haven't since coming off all anti-depressants and anti-psychotics quite a few years ago.) I get a lot of exercise, do yoga, meditation etc, although I guess I could do more.
The thing that is making me really spiral is that there has been a death in the family and I'm not sure whether to go to the funeral. I don't have a good relationship with my family and moved to another country when I was young and I have as little contact as possible now. I didn't tell them about the breast cancer even. I wasn't really close to the person who has died but always got on ok with them. Until the last time we met when I was visiting my parents - from the moment this person came in the house he was looking at me in a really obviously hostile way and the whole conversation carried on that way with my relative making sneery remarks. It was just out of the blue and floored me - I was too shocked to react. I wish I could go back in time and ask him what the problem was. It was so out of the blue that I'm sure one of my parents must have said something. They have had years to feed a certain image of me to the wider family to hide the real reasons I left and appear as blameless victims. I've seen them both lying so easily and so convincingly without having to hesitate for a second. (I don't know for a fact they talk about me to the family but I suspect it from their other behaviour and from the way my extended family seem suspicious of me.)
So I never saw my relative who has now died since that day. I feel so sad and so angry but it might not be his fault if someone lied to him about me. I'm scared to go to the funeral as I would feel so alone. I'm scared of the guilt if I don't go. And I know I'm being ridiculous making this funeral about me but I'm just so full of anxiety I can't even get through to the real sadness. I just can't make decisions because my memories keep going back and forth rapidly between good things and bad things and one second I'm in rage and pain about the past and the next I would give anything to be in my parents' kitchen doing a crossword with them.
So...I don't even know what I'm asking really. I think I just wanted to write it out. I don't even feel in a position to take any good advice as my thoughts are so scattered. Also it got very long - sorry - thanks to anyone who read it.