Relationships

[PostReader]

I am a lesbian who has had rude comments about my height from every single partner that I’ve ever had. Unfortunately, I’ve never had a partner the same height or shorter than me and they’re not easy to find. I would date shorter women if I could find any that were attracted to me.

I feel like it is abusive for my partners to make negative comments about my height and it’s made me feel like I’m not cut out for relationships.

Obviously there is little I can do about my height, just wanted a way of coping with how sad I feel about this issue. I feel like my height makes me undateable and I don’t know of any lesbians who are as short as me who are in long-term relationships.

Are these women rude in other ways? Are they always criticising you or making jokes at your expense?

No, but it’s always (and consistently) about my height.

Might be TMI but even one time after being in bed together, one of them said something along the lines of ‘Perfect… except you could have done to have been an inch taller’. Not a comment on anything we actually did, just a comment out of nowhere… in the moment, it just made me feel disgusting and unattractive, obviously I was in a vulnerable position and someone was criticising my body. I had an argument with her afterwards and told her that I never wanted to hear anything like that again.

Other things have been women resting their arm on my head or saying that women like me would be better to ‘unalive’ ourselves because of our height (this was on a Discord server). For a community that raves on about acceptance, they aren’t exactly brimming with it themselves. As I mention, the negative comments have occurred in every relationship and I have never replied in kind and think that it’s borderline abusive to pick me apart in this way.

The obvious question is how tall are you OP? I’m a short arse myself

5ft 3” … I feel like it is not that unusual in the UK but nevertheless all women that I have dated have been taller than me (not by choice) and I have lived quite a bit of my adult life outside of the UK where women are taller on average, which is also where I received the comment that people who are short are disgusting and should unalive themselves

That’s quite bizarre OP. I’m shorter than that and never had any such negative comments. Do you think it is just lesbian women who think like that?

I am 5 foot and never had that comment. I date guys so don’t know if that matters - don’t think it does, but always told my height is cute. In bed there is always the joke, same height lying down.

my DP is 6.1, and we do look little and large. He did at the start jokingly rest his arm on my head. That was the one and only time. Mia judged joke!!

Yes you’re heterosexual. There’s not really a stigma towards heterosexual women being short. I am unfortunate in my circumstances that I can’t get out of it by just dating men but we are what we are.

Sorry for double post but my experience is that it seems to be something that is growing and growing among lesbian and bisexual women. Perhaps people did not say it so often when I was younger and weren’t so vicious about it as most of the conversation happened in person and not online, but I can only say that it’s something that has happened within relationships and increasingly often to me in recent years, to the point where I’m reluctant to date again because of it.

Why are they dating you in the first place if your height is an issue for them? It’s pretty obvious from the start.

I mean that’s like asking why a man who hits his wife and tells her that he hates her agrees to date her at all… because they can

Some of these women have met me through dating apps and, upon realising my height, have proceeded to make rude comments about it. Others have been in relationships with me and have also made them. My past mistake is not leaving the relationship as soon as something is said.

Sorry, I’m really struggling to believe this is true. Doesn’t the dating app give your height etc?

I usually don’t give my height as basically no-one will match if I do so - I learned that one the hard way. People have no idea how tall 5ft 3” is when they see it written down on an app as presumably many people lie about their height. So to even the playing field a bit, I don’t state it and people can make a judgement in person.

I have come here asking for advice and your response is that you struggle to believe me. If I’m lying, why would I be willing to part with thousands of pounds for counselling if this had never happened?

Well, as every single partner you have had has made rude comments about your height, it sounds like you would be better stating it on the dating app to filter out people who prefer taller people.
It sounds like you have an issue with your height as well so I guess counselling may help with that.
As I said I am shorter than you but there isn’t anything I can do about my height and my partners have always liked me as I am so I hope you can find your person too. Best of luck

I think it absolutely is abusive to say the comments they're making to you. Where do you find these women?!
I'm 5'2", I date men and women, and I've had men make (harmless) jokes about my height but never a woman, and I've dated women who are shorter then me, and up to 5'10".
The comments these women have made have clearly been very damaging to your self esteem, but they are all cunts!
Work on accepting yourself, raising your standards and start setting stronger boundaries... Don't accept this shit from anyone.
If someone can't accept and love you for you, then they're not the one.
Also, although I'm shorter than you, I really don't feel that short. You have issues with your height now because these women have caused you to get a complex. Try come to terms with that fact and try let their hurtful words go. You deserve to be free from this complex and to be happy in yourself...

I agree with you and I also don’t feel particularly short. I just think that the negative comments get to me after some time, especially when they are so extreme. I think that the advice I wanted was just… where or who to talk to someone about letting these things go. You can see from this thread that sometimes the reaction is one of disbelief or that people do not understand because it does not happen to heterosexual women for the most part. I also think that I need to work on my boundaries and ask women to leave as soon as this begins - I broke up with the woman in my example but then got back together, but ultimately broke up later down the line. I should have left her the first time as I’m still stuck remembering that she basically told me that she wouldn’t be happy with me because I was too short.

The other response is that I should state my height on a dating app - in other words, stay single, as it’s my experience that I do not match with anyone if I state my height on it. I have messaged with women who mentioned that they want someone taller, and at that point I’ve stopped the conversation and said that we’d probably not be suited if that was the case. Obviously though it does push me towards looking for shorter women as I expect that they wouldn’t engage in the same sorts of comments

I disagree with the other poster that this is about ‘finding my person’. I am looking for women only because I am a lesbian - dating men is not an option as I am not attracted to them and never have been. And I was also interested in counselling as I probably have to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have a very good chance of finding a wife or girlfriend due to lack of compatibility.

Personally, and I'm talking from my own personal past experiences, I think your self esteem is incredibly low and that is why you would get back with someone that hurts you so badly, and it's also the reason why you give these hurtful words so much power.
Maybe you need a break from dating for a while, while you work on improving your self esteem and build your confidence up again.
If you were confident in yourself you wouldn't feel the need to hide your height on dating apps. And you certainly wouldn't take any comments from new connections on apps about their preferences personally. Everyone has preferences, some are more shallow than others. But that's ok. For me, if someone has shallow expectations on what they want a woman to look like, then I see myself above that negative way of thinking and I choose to cut the chat there and then because I want someone with more depth to them. Take control of how these new connections go when you make them on dating apps, YOU decide what you do and don't want, what you will and won't accept, and use that in deciding what new connections you want to be open to. Maybe also try work on not getting so hopeful on new connections, before they really develop. If you're not so invested, you wouldn't really take anything personal in what they may say in regards to their preferences not matching you.
But as I said, it's probably sensible to just take a break from dating for a while and focus on building yourself up and working on those boundaries.
You don't need to be in a relationship to be whole, you need to be happy in yourself to be whole and that should be your priority for the time being.
Take back your power ♥️

I know. I took a break from dating for some time after being told to unalive myself for my height

Hiding my height is simply to give myself a fair chance at a relationship. I don’t think that there is anything bad about being 5ft 3” - they do

But I take your point about getting back with someone who made that comment… I have had to work for a long time on standing up for myself as this is also something that I’ve struggled with in the workplace or friendships

Being told to unalive yourself it's truly despicable! Can't understand how some people have so much hate in them. That says more about them than you.
Have you ever thought about looking into doing a course in building confidence or being more assertive or other things along those lines? I'm all for things like that. I find if you're open to anything to do with self help, then you potentially can get a lot out of it.
Whatever you do to work on yourself, just know that it's all a part of healing and that's what you need also.
Wishing you all the best ♥️

Yes, that's the sort of thing that I was looking for