What the hell is wrong with me?

[Gymmum82]

I have a pretty much perfect life. A job I enjoy, 2 happy healthy children, a husband who is kind, not abusive, helpful in a practical sense less so emotionally.
Friends who are supportive and wonderful. I should be happy and content but I’m not.

Im fine when I’m out with my friends, or at work, out with my husband etc. But when I’m alone or at home with the kids I’m so unhappy, I never find any joy, rarely smile or laugh. I hate myself for it.
When the kids come to me I can barely muster any energy to engage with them and I hate myself for it.
Im just completely joyless, soulless, sad and I don’t know how to fix it.

I thought about getting counselling but what would I say? My life is great but im miserable and I don’t know why?
I don’t want to just go on medication, I never used to be like this, I want to go back to the old me but I don’t know how to.
any advice? Words of wisdom?

When did you lose the old you? Was there a particular event or period of your life you can identify as the possible cause?

Please don't hate yourself, it won't help you to get 'you' back - loving yourself might.

“I thought about getting counselling but what would I say? My life is great but im miserable and I don’t know why?”

This is a completely reasonable thing to say in counselling, yes.

No big event really. Covid was a pretty low point but I think that’s the same for everyone and my best friend was diagnosed with cancer shortly after which knocked me for 6. But nothing specific to me.
I don’t hate myself all the time. I just hate how I am with the kids. I hate how snappy and impatient I am with them. I want to be a fun loving mum. Not like this

That’s good to know thank you. I didn’t know that was an ok thing to say

It absolutely is. You don’t need to know why you’re struggling - but you are indeed struggling and it’s ok to want and need support.

What do you remember your mum being like with you when you were the age your kids are now op? “The book you wish your parents had read and your kids will be glad you did” could be helpful if you remember her feeling similar to you?

My mum was good, she would play with us and take us to places. She has always been quite cold and emotionally unavailable though. I try to not be like that with my kids. But I’m failing them at the minute

How old are you, OP? It’s always trotted out on here but could be perimenopause?

I used to be like this then I found a hobby which really reignited my passion for life.

A comfortable life with a good job, a husband and healthy children isn't necessarily a one-way ticket to happiness. Part of the problem is probably the guilt you feel for having these feelings in the first place.

What are your goals/dreams? What are you excited about? What do you want more of?

I don’t want to just go on medication, I never used to be like this, I want to go back to the old me but I don’t know how to.
any advice? Words of wisdom?

Meds may be the exact way to get you back to the old you TBH. It doesn’t have to be forever, I was on anti anxiety meds for 18 months or so, life changing!

Good luck OP - brilliant that you’re striving to change.

@MassiveSalad22 would you mind saying what anxiety meds you were on? I need to take something for my anxiety.

Possibly your children’s ages are triggering memories of yourself at that age with a cold and emotionally unavailable mother. How can you give them what you didn’t have? Plus you also have an emotionally unavailable husband. Therapy would help you explore the deadened feeling which probably masks real anger at how deprived you were of feeling loved.

Sertraline - tiny dose (25-50mg), was mainly for PMDD so I took it 2 weeks on 2 weeks off, but my Generalised Anxiety Disorder minimised as well, enough for me to make other changes to my life and help myself out of the anxiety spiral. For depression/anxiety it’s a bigger dose daily I believe.

What age are your kids? Some ages are just harder to enjoy and are more of a slog (which age you find hardest varies person to person).

Sometimes i have to remind myself "how would I like them to feel about themselves walking away from this moment?" or "how would I like them to remember this when they look back on it as an adult?", and then i find it easier to dig deep and find a better way to behave. Personally I do find that the moments of doing well also help the negative feelings, probably because some of the negativity is caused by a pattern of feeling guilty for not doing a better job on previous occasions.

That said, it's ok for parenting to be a bit (or a lot!) of a chore - your role as a parent is to raise functional and together humans who can thrive, not for you to enjoy it. That's not to say there aren't enjoyable moments along the way, hopefully there will be plenty, but those are bonuses, not the aim itself. My personal opinion is that those who make the mistake of thinking the enjoyment is the important part will either be disappointed or do a bad job of raising their kids because they value the wrong things.

You're probably doing better than you think, you're just suffering for it! Try and shift your perspective a little at a time - if counselling would help with that then go for it.

I’m 43 just. I had wondered if it could be a factor. I definitely have other symptoms, insomnia, thinning hair and excessive sweating being the main ones with some others

I do have a hobby, I love the gym and exercise. Always have.
I don’t know about goals and dreams, but I usually have some fitness based goal like a race or something lined up and we normally have a holiday to look forward to.
I struggle to get excited about much these days however

I’m very lucky in that I have very emotionally available friends and always have. They gave me what I didn’t have and continue to. But yes this could be something worth exploring with a therapist

They are 8 and 10. So not difficult ages at all.
I don’t want them to remember me as snappy and grumpy, which is what I am a lot of the time.

@Gymmum82 - I’d go to the GP. Get bloods done to check it’s nothing else and then see if HRT is an option. They’ll moan a bit about you being under 45 but can prescribe after a referral to the menopause clinic.

my best friend was diagnosed with cancer shortly after which knocked me for 6

You don't have to suffer trauma directly to be affected by it. How's your friend now?

Sounds like you have clinical depression to me, I would speak to your GP.

I know what you mean about not wanting to be on medication, I felt the same but it did help me (many years ago) and I was able to come off the medication after a while.

She’s doing ok. The cancer is unfortunately not curable so just trying to enjoy life while she can and make memories together

I'm so sorry. Please don't underestimate the ongoing sorrow that this will cause you.