Childhood abuse haunting me.

[BoldRubyWasp]

Hi there ,

When I was 8 years old my mother met my stepdad. From a young child he would starve me and my sibling , emotionally and physically abuse us , control us , taunt us and bully us. My mother did nothing and would occasionally laugh and join in with his insults. but other than that she ignored. The abuse went on for 9 years in total until I was 17 - a family member reported him to the police - he was put in prison but has since been released.

from a very young age he would regularly take me to the doctors claiming I was mentally ill , abusive and had anorexia. As a child I was so confused by this and thought there was something wrong with me . There wasn’t , he was abusing and starving me.

Anyway I’m a lot better now and have had lots of therapy to help me and I’m married and living a happy life. Until the other day I got referred to a breast clinic under the 2 week referral and was sent a referral sheet . Under patient notes it says ‘alleged perpetrator of domestic abuse’ and it’s dated the year I would’ve been 9 years old.

I broke down in tears and felt so angry that he left his lying mark on my nhs records. I feel so let down by the professionals that have noted this when I was clearly being abused.

I’m worried every time I’ve gone to the doctors they’ve looked at me and thought I was a horrible weirdo. I’m just freaking out.

My husband has reassured me a bit by saying that if they looked through my record and police reports for him they’d see the situation and that they’d meet me and realise it was all lies, I agree but I can’t help but feel violated and so angry. It’s like he’s come back to haunt me again.

What should I do ? My husband advised me to just leave it as he thinks I may spiral with all the old trauma brought up and I’m inclined to agree.

I just feel so let down and sad for my younger self.

advice needed

thank you 🌸

It’s completely understandable to be upset by this and I am so, so sorry for all you’ve been through. Being referred on the two-week pathway must have been stressful enough without this.

I think it’s a tough choice for you here but you also you don’t have to decide now - you could do nothing for the time being, but revisit that decision at another time.

If you do decide you want to do something, I wonder if it might be worth contacting the practice manager at your GP surgery and asking them what can be done, for example if this can be removed or if they can stop routinely including it in your notes or add some contextual information. It might be worth including links to details of the court case when you contact them if this is at all possible (perhaps someone else could find them for you eg your husband if you don’t want to deal with that bit).

For what it’s worth I think any doctor would raise an eyebrow at this given your age - they won’t think you’re a weirdo.

Sending a lot of very gentle vibes your way.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for the abuse the the wrong note in your medical file. Have you researched on whether this note can be erased as you were a child?

Your husband means well, but I don't believe you are able to hide from the implications of your abuse forever. If you tried to see if anything can be done about these note I feel you would be standing up for that little 9yo girl you were. You can try and advocate for her now.

Obviously you must be prepared that it can't be changed and how that would make you feel. Perhaps think of some strategies to deal with it in case this happens.

Contact your practice manager and explain the situation. Ask for it to be changed to victim of abuse.

Also OP, spiralling just means that things might bubble to the surface that can still be processed. You know how much you can handle and want to deal with. Your wording also suggests to me that you might have 'spiralled' before. I'm afraid I don't think it will ever go away unless it is being addressed, but you do it at your own pace.

I’m sorry it happened to you, I found out by sheer chance that my record showed I had abused my ex husband rather than the other way around - he abused me. I contacted the police force and received a correction. It wasn’t easy to get it changed my word wasn’t taken for it.

Thank you so much for this response - that sounds like a good idea with the manager I think I may try and see how I feel like you say I can always come back to it . And thank you for the reassurance I feel a bit better :) x

my husband and I have done some research and it looks like I may have to just accept it as I can’t find anything . I may try and go down the route of my doctors practice manager though and see - they are lovely so I think it should be okay.

I have spiralled in the past - it’s a form of ptsd I think. Lots of panic attacks and feelings of dread and lots of tears.

One thing my husband said that reassured me is that I haven’t known this was on my record for all these years and I’ve never had any problem with a doctor being off with me or treating me in a bad way and that gives me some relief. I guess that’s a good way of accepting it and moving on.

thank you for your kind and thoughtful advice 💞

That’s horrible I’m really sorry this happened to you , it feels like a violation :( x

One thing my husband said that reassured me is that I haven’t known this was on my record for all these years and I’ve never had any problem with a doctor being off with me or treating me in a bad way and that gives me some relief. I guess that’s a good way of accepting it and moving on.

Your husband is very wise.

As others have said it would be a good idea to write to the practice and ask them to amend their records - if they don't you could consider following up with a solicitor's letter. All depends on whether you are up to giving it that amount of headspace.

OP, your husband says this or that, but what do you feel YOU want to do? It hasn't bothered you all these years as you didnt know, but now you do and it bothers you.

Again, I think your husband means well, but he also hasn't experienced the abuse and the injustice. If you agree with him then that's good, but if you don't you know you are an adult now, not the girl, and you can take action.