please help me, im falling apart and dont know how to stop it

[lucyellensmum]

Ive had a really really bad week, i just feel on the edge, on the edge of what i dont know. I am struggling with DD (never htought id say that) and she is being a real daddies girl. He is NOT helping though and i think he is getting off on it. She is rejecting me and he is encouraging it. I am starting to hate him, he is taking my little girl away from me - without her, i dont want to live. Tonight i wasnt feeling so great but i was trying to get along and be positive, made lemon drizzle cake, but it took ages to cook, i was cooking dinner at the same time - it all went a bit wrong and i forgot to cook the potato's then realised id left them at my mothers anyway. Asked DP to go to the chip shop for chips, thought it would be nice with salad - he clearly didnt want to go, but i dont drive and a two minute drive for him is a 15 minute walk for me, which is fine but dinner already late - DD kicked off and didnt want him to go - so he got really nasty with me, saying i had to go etc. In the end i found some oven chips. It made bedtime late (he usually does that) so he was stressed and taking it out on me - ok, so it was my fault, fair enough - but i feel he is trying to take DD away from me. I was getting stressed because DD was playing up over a chosing a book (delay tactics) I didnt show it to DD but told DP to get a book, any book and read it, so he said, "why dont you go downstairs" que DD saying "go downstairs mummy, we dont want you" - i mean, WTF???

Ive tried so hard to be positive today, was looking forward to this evening with DP, but because i said that DD had been doing my head in today (just a passing comment, she has been difficult today, ott and miserable), he didnt get in until 7, he said, "im all happy and OK when im at work, then i get home to you and it hits me like a ton of bricks" if he feels like that, why the hell doesnt he just FUCK OFF and leave me and my DD alone. Because i was doing OK until HE came home. Domestic fucking goddess i was, lemon drizzle cake, ok so it make things late, but DD wanted to make it and i thought it would be nice for afters - its on the side untouched

I cant help feeling this way, i dont even know WHY i feel like this today, on edge, like im just hanging on by my fingernails. I did look at my dads tablets earlier and saw that he has uber strength sleeping pills in there (hes dead now, i was supposed to take the pills to the pharmacist but cant bring myself to do it) I thought, i could just go to sleep and htis could all end, but i would never want to leave DD. I love her more than life, DP knows this, but seems to be relishing her pushing me away - im broken, i want him to cuddle me and tell me he loves me, be proud of me, but i am starting to loathe him.

hi lucy

Your dd loves you, she does, she really does. She would be devastated if you did anything like you are contemplating. Please don't. Am wishing you the strength to get through tonight xxxx

It does sound like he is getting a perverse pleasure from being the favourite.. that's so immature. Can you tell him what he's doing -- have you already done that?

oh lucyellensmum it sounds like there are sooo many things going on with you right now, and I can only really offer advice on one aspect.Sorry. My DD went through the same stage with her daddy..wanted him to do EVERYTHING and would literally push me away the minute he came home from work. He loved it BUT was understanding of how upset it made me. What he said was right though...the more I reacted to it, the worse she was.

I think sometimes dads feel like they are missing out on so much, and when they do get some recognition from the small ones they almost can't be objective about it. With my DD I had to let her get her daddy fix, which soon changed when I insisted DH doing everything for her!

When did your dad die? Are you grieving?

i hope you ok , fwiw me and dp go through the same thing but it's dp who get's it we have talked to dd about her hurting his feelings.
Hope you can find the strength to talk to dp about how your feeling

Can you tell him how you feel? Men can sometimes be a bit slow with this sort of thing. DP needs to be told.
DD does love you. She's just attention seeking. DS2 does this whole 'daddy, daddy' thing a lot and I feel quite hurt but as soon as daddy's not around he's all loving and affectionate again. It's just attention seeking. How old is your dd?

dd is 2.5 ive spoken to DP just now, ive told him how i feel, he says he has had enough and i need to "snap out of it now" ive been like this long enough and hes had enough yeah, cos i love feeling like this i do!

My dad died 2 years ago, you would think i would have gotten over it by now.

Now DP is saying he doesnt know why im on the tablets etc, i never took anything when i was ill/dad was ill/ was doing my phd that nearly went tits up.......why now he says, i just said "do you think i like being like this........he hasnt said a word since, im fucking drowning and no one will help me, what do i have to do, i mean, really - i need help, i am shouting at DD for no reason (so ashamed to admit that) and just staring into space all the time

Lucyellen's mum,

Do you think that maybe seeing someone "professionally" will help at all? What about talking to someone else - Friends/relative etc

I hate to say it and I normally advocate trying and trying with DP's but maybe he really isn't the one for you if he's being this evil at a time when you really need him.

I don't know whether that is the right thing to say but I think you need to examine it. Also PLEASE get rid of the pills so there is no temptation, your DD does love you and will need you.

maybe you need help now because you tried to cope with everything and it's all catching up with you. My dad died 5yrs ago and it is better now, but it depends what you mean about 'getting over it' People cannot compehend loss until it happens to them. Please try to talk to someone professionally about how you are feeling. Your DD will not remember this phase and your DP needs to take this seriously and to stop sweeping it under the carpet. Good luck.

Are you on ADs? They can really make a difference.
Sounds like your dp needs to be more supportive. That attitude isn't going to help.

lucky, i had the counselling hte NHS offered, all six sessions, yes it helped at the time, but they wont fund anything else, so im left floundering, my HV suggested psychiatric refferal but the doctors wont buy it. I bumped into someone today who has pnd and her son born the same time as my DD, she seems to be getting lots of help (lem wonders what she has to do to get help).

I truly love my DP,i honestly cannot understand why he is being so cold towards me, all i want is for him to cuddle me, stroke my hair, tell me its all going to be alrgight, right now, id take that where i can find it. He is a good man, we have been together 15 years, 12 of those were perfect, we were so happy together - its all gone now though, that breaks my heart because we were so good together, to contemplate that that might be over is so hard, but how long should i go on fooling myself

LEM - Why don't you try going to stay with your mum or a friend for a few days with DD? Explain to your DP that as he can't understand your feelings you feel it would be better if he wasn't around them at the moment.
Maybe the time away will help him realise how mean is being as well as helping your DD bond with you again.

As for psychiatric help, get on those docs, tell them exactly how your feeling (suicidle etc) and make them get you some help. If you have to .... sit in thier office till they agree.

Are you in the UK? If so, and you find yourself looking at the pills again, ring The Samaritans: it can be very helpful to talk to someone anonymous and non-judgemental, that is what they are for. MN can offer help too, but sometimes an actual voice on the phone is better (and there is also no risk of a poster saying 'Pull yourself together' or 'Have you found Jesus?' when such comments would be deeply unhelpful).
I also agree that you should nag your GP for more help: the trouble with stress-related depression is that if you don't get some sort of help or at least some of it fixed then it just grows and grows and eats away at you. I am struggling a bit at the moment with constant money problems, and do sometimes think that if I actually had a stroke or fell under a bus it might be better, but then I remember that it wouldn't and DS needs his mummy. Etc.

Laving thread now, firghtened, sorry LEM...

IM OK

madamez why are you frightened?

i ok now, DP just given me a cuddle and brought me cake . LEM worrying about madamez now

DP has been a star, he just doesnt know what else to do. The fact that he has just bourhgt me tea and cake means so much more than he could ever know

sorry madamez, but the "have you found jesus" thing has made me laugh out loud. tell me you are ok

I'm losing it, dont worry will be allright in a minute just overtired or something

i hope so madamez, you are one of my fave posters. Whats wrong?

money, as my dad always used to say, is the route of all evil and sadness. Why do we have to let it rule our lives so. Because there is always some bastard who wants it when you aint got it.

Most of our problems are money related too - DP wants to win the lottery, me? I dont actually think i would want it, how weird am i

i have to go to bed now, falling asleep at my keyboard, my "episode" is passing, im not doing this anymore, im going to the doctorson monday and im bloody well going to tell them that they best do something to help me or else, well, i dont know what else, but just best they do!!

Madamez, hope ou feel better - so sorry if i have upset you

MADAMEZ - ARE YOU OK?????

I don't think you should be over your dad's death after two years. You have a daughter who is 2 and a half, so the past two years you have barely been able to have a soak in the bath/read a book/ or just two minutes peace. So you haven't had enough time to grieve.

amazin, thats exactly it, after he died i had to finish my PhD i couldnt let my mind lose focus, ever since i finished my thesis ive just lost et

hi lucy how are you feeling
madamez started a thread last night.. she seemed a bit better in the end

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you're going through all this. Also to add that my mum died 14 years ago and I'm STILL not 'over it' now. Don't feel ashamed as if you should somehow not feel sad anymore. Grieving is a strange thing that can show it's self in all kinds of different ways. Often, i'll think I'm upset about one thing but it turns out I'm not. I'm just projecting my anger or sadness on to that one person or event, when actually I'm just pissed off that my mum's not here!

Your dp does seem to be getting pleasure out of you suffering though which I'm not sure whether he maybe doesn't know the extent to what you are hurting. Maybe he just sees it as a novelty as dd is finally wanting him more wheras babies nearly always want their mummies. It's a phase, you'll be 'flavour of the month' again before you know it.

Anyway, your dd does adore you but if her daddy is at work she's just seeing her daddy as someone 'different' and exciting.

Hope you are feeling better soon x

I went through this with my ds1. It was so extreme that when he had to go into hospital as an emergency he wouldn't let me near him and all he wanted was Daddy. I will never forget that day one of the hardest in my life and this rejecting me went on for around 5 months i'd say. I found it heart breaking and embarrasing if we were out.

Anyway to cut a long story short, things did chance, almost feels like over night. Ds1 is a right mummy's boy now and things on the whole are alot more balanced. I appricate him more and when he says for example today at a coffee shop with dh and a friend 'I want to get out and cuddle mummy' it makes my heart melt every time.

What I am saying is it is a stage that some appear to go through. My advice would be just go with the flow if she wants daddy let her have daddy don't try and push things and you are not the only one to ever go through this. Let her come to you and if you are upset walk away from her and be upset. What got me through this period in our families life was every little knock back instead of taking it into your heart, tell yourself how wonderful you are and how much you do for everyone. If you beleive you are wonderful soon your dd will make you feel wonderful again too.