In a bad place

[Initzsa]

Quite a few years ago my life fell apart astronomically and it happened so suddenly amd had a domino effect causing multiple areas of my life to be destroyed - think bereavement, losing my house and income, having to start from scratch, relationship breakdowns, split families. Just a huge mess.

So during this I feel I have been in survival mode doing all the practical things I could do to get my life in a half decent situation. I don’t know how I’ve done it but I’ve managed to get a job and I now own a house for me and my children (a massive blessing as we were hidden homeless for 18 months).

I honestly thought getting the house would make me happy, but I am so miserable. Life feels hard and like all Ido is work, look after my kids and live within a really tight budget. I am stressed every month hoping I won’t have to add more debt to my credit cards.

I just don’t see the point anymore, the house hasn’t solved our problems even though I sincerely feel so blessed to have our own home after going through everything we went through.

I think of suicide often but would never do that to my children. I don’t know what to do, my life feels miserable and I’m just waiting till I die. Sometimes I think I’d be happy to not wake up the next day, the worst thing is how much that would hurt my children. God I’m so miserable and fed up.

Does anyone else feel like this? What did you do to make it easier to keep going?

I saw my GP. Started medication and CBT. You have had so so much to deal with. Do you have any RL support?

So sorry to hear this. It sounds as though you've had an incredibly tough time and have done so well to get through the challenges.
Didn't want to read and run, so sending love and courage. Please do seek medical help and confide in friends/family if you possibly can.

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling OP. It sounds to me that just by getting through this year, you've done brilliantly. It's a really tough time and you shouldn't put any more pressure on yourself. At the moment, try to celebrate the small wins. Just getting out of bed, taking care of your kids, getting yourself to work are all things you should be proud of x

It sounds like you have been through so much OP and I wonder if you have actually stopped to acknowledge how difficult things have been and how strong you have been to recover?
I should think you are mentally exhausted and need to give yourself time to recover emotionally now that you have practical matters more under control.
This is a difficult time of year anyway so try not too expect too much from yourself for the moment and just be kinder to yourself and proud of your strength and resilience.
Things will improve, even though I understand that it is difficult for you to believe at the moment.

Life can change at any given moment. I know it's not easy but honestly it's totally possible to make a change. Think of it as a dream. Just one step can change everything. Wishing you all the best x

Thanks it is worth a try.

Oh thank you, that made me cry. I think I forget how much I have achieved, but it also kept me going as I had something to aim for.

I really do need to try and celebrate the small wins. Although I struggle to even care about the small wins lately if that makes sense, like nothing matters anymore. Except for my children of course, they drive me mad sometimes but I’d be lost without them. They’re the only reason I have tried so hard for us.

Your message saying mentally exhausted hit a nerve and made me cry. I didn’t realise that was how I felt. Thanks for making me realise that. I don’t know what to do about the exhaustion though, as I just don’t have much time to rest.

Aw thank you. Well I have experienced it changing in an instant negatively, so hopefully I can also experience life changing positively within an instant x

Exactly. It works both ways! X

Different situation but same life changing event scenario.....through the other side now. I found the hardest bit was once everything settled down!! Probably the bit your in now, I'd managed through being in survival mode and the aim of getting to the 'goal' so to speak that once I was there it was like my brain and body didn't know what to do next so kind of did nothing. I felt ....nothing......sometimes I felt total apathy, sometimes I felt like the future was bleak and why would I bother if nothing was ahead/only misery but mostly just nothingness but going through the motions whilst feeling exhausted to other levels and sometimes anxiety would run ravage, esp on a morning.

I kind of floated around in that space for a while and then decided that I needed to speak to my GP, was given medication and I have to say it helped, it almost helped me move out of the that nothing was stage. You won't feel like this forever I promise. I think what your experiencing is quite a classic trauma response that I'd seek professional help with xx

I was in the same mental state as you years ago. I was advised to start counselling and medication at first.
But I wanted to sort out the basics like my diet and making time for hobbies first. Sometimes that can be enough. But it wasn’t for me because I probably have complex PTSD, my sleep still isn’t great.
ill be starting anxiety medication this year

I was very moved by your post and I just wanted to send you best wishes. I have certainly been there and can't say I'm over it now, but I believe life is surprising and happiness can come back when you least expect it. Please look after yourself, it sounds like you are doing a lot and are very much loved by those around you. The other posts have given great advice on seeking help - it is there and has helped me Xx

@Initzsa how are you doing today?

That’s so reassuring that this is likely a normal response to everything that has happened. However, I’m so sorry that you have been through it, it’s an awful thing to experience in life xx

I'm sorry you’ve been through it too! I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. There are now words to explain how difficult it makes day to day life. I have tried medication for a couple of years and stopped as I felt it was no longer helping, also had counselling which was helpful but I used all the sessions I was eligible for and can’t afford private sessions at this time.
How did you manage to sort your diet? I’m really struggling with binge eating and I’ll buy healthy food but it ends up in the bin and I just eat a lot of junk, so that is obviously not helping, but I can’t get out of this habit.

Aw thank you so much and I’m so sorry that you have also been in this situation.
i love that you have said that life is surprising and can bring back happiness when you least expect it. That’s something I really need to hear and I will cling onto that hope, as I desperately need it xx

Thank you so much for thinking of me!! It’s been an up and down day again, which I find exhausting, but I have also had some really lovely moments with my children today where we were dancing and laughing in the living room. It was a really joyful feeling that I haven’t experienced in a long while! I wish I had filmed a video of us in that moment.

I weigh 9 stone.
I used to struggle with binge eating too. A takeaway everyday. You need to change your lifestyle around to stop. It’s probably because they’ve made that kind of food addictive/tiredness because it’s winter/increased cortisol levels/you want comfort food.
I worked out I was eating it for those reasons and also craving burgers, king ribs and chips and curry because I needed iron and salt.
Admittedly I eat the same 4 things every week. At least it means I know what I’m buying in the weekly shop. They’re things that don’t take a lot of ingredients which means less time and because I’ve made them a lot they’re easier to cook.
beef casserole, fish pie, omelette, or mushroom soup.
Omelette is just onion, peas, spinach, and two eggs with salt and pepper. I sometimes have it with two organic sunflower seed crisp breads.
the fish pie contains a salmon side that I dice myself, stock, cheese that I shred myself, garden peas, spinach, onion, and sometimes I’ll add carrot to the mash if I can be bothered.
the mushroom soup contains 2 packs of mushrooms, some sherry, stock, and onion
the beef casserole contains diced beef, stock, onion, carrot, and celery. Then mash with milk and butter. I snack on bananas, sugar snaps, or a nut bar (which I shouldn’t but it’s better than eating cake and icecream)
all of these have vegetables in them
lentils and things like that set off my IBS so I don’t eat them. I buy kefir to manage my IBS.
I drink a lot of herbal tea and water. I used to buy two bars of green and blacks dark chocolate every week to have with tea in bed to manage stress but I’ve stopped that now. But it’s still better than eating cake.
I don’t like chicken I get grossed out by it so I will only eat it in chicken-ham slice form on salad rolls which I rarely buy because they don’t satisfy me.

Aw op a big well done on how far you have come. You have a home, family and a job, that’s great! However I get how you feel.
i started on sertraline during covid as was really low, no joy or emotion in anything. The meds helped and got me through. Not for everyone but it was the sticky plaster needed. I’m off meds now but I’m human, we all are and we all struggle. It’s normal to feel hopeless sometimes. I watched a Jim Carey program and he said ‘we are all just waiting to die’ how morbid, but accurate.. so I just look for small wins and enjoyment in my every day.. even if it’s 5 mins of silence.. it’s the little things. Hang in there x

OP that’s such a lovely update. You may not have a video but you could write your memories down so you can go back to them. (I keep a diary.)