Juggling too many plates

[mollymazda]

I've struggled with my MH since being a child. But I'm classed as high functioning, have been on and off medication pretty much my whole life (late 50's now) and am currently unmedicated. I've had lots of labels over the years, and at the moment i would class myself as fairly well. I know i have some issues to deal with, i just don't know how to do it.

recently had a counselling session with a therapist at work and she said that i've been juggling too many plates, basically i have a habit of picking up other peoples problems and trying to deal with them as my own, this i am told is because at 16 my mum died, my old siblings immediately left home and i was put in sole charge of the care of my disabled dad and my younger sister.. and it turns out, i have been doing this now my entire life and it needs to stop.

the question is how? the counsellor gave me 2 tasks do to before i see her again at the end of January.. 1 is to put something down and the other is to do something for me... and this it seems is harder than it looks.

How do i put down 1 or even all of the things I've been doing for years and years without feeling bad about it?

for example, for 11 years, I've been organising my DH's relationship with his adult children. they are my step children and if i didn't do the birthdday cards, the gifts, the social events all the organising, then there would be no relationship! but how do i stop doing it? i know i will be blamed when it all goes wrong?

Can you try by putting one thing down that is smaller and then go from there? It's hard saying no and setting boundaries at first so might feel a bit odd to start with.

You shouldn't be carrying the load for your husband in terms of maintaining a relationship with this children, but perhaps that's something you can work up to changing if it seems to overwhelming for now.

In the example you've given it's reasonably easy "Kids, you know I love you and I'm always here for you but I've decided it's your father's time to sort out cards/presents, etc. Can you all make sure Dad knows your birthdays and message him in good time beforehand to let him know what you want. Cheers!"

Make sure you send a copy of the message to your husband. Then walk away and forget about it - put a mental sign on that task saying S.E.P.*

*a million extra points for anyone who gets that reference :)

i've jsut had a long sit down with DH, explained the effect all this effort is having on my MH and he has promised that he will pick up the slack in the new year because and i quote 'his life is easier when my MH is good'... not sure if thats a good thing or a bad one, but im going to roll with it

How do i put down 1 or even all of the things I've been doing for years and years without feeling bad about it?

You will feel bad about it, but you need to learn to ‘sit with’ feeling bad (I hate that phrase!). Then you’ll see that nobody has died, and it will be easier next time until eventually you’ll feel entirely comfortable with it. It took me a long time to learn that just because something makes me feel uncomfortable, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. In fact, they’re often the very things that we should do.