Has anyone been struck down by postnatal depression when they thought they were doing fine?

[mumtobe2]

Hi new to all this and feeling pretty vulnerable so please be gentle.Apologies now for the long thread but would really appreciate if someone took the time to read it.
Feel pretty much like im losing it at the mo.Had my dd2 on christmas eve 2007.Am on my own with her and already had 13yr old dd1.Not the ideal situation without the father and also lost my mum at the same time i found myself pregnant last May.
Regardless of this was doing pretty well or so i thought.Was having problems with decision making and some pretty scary thoughts i had about dd2 but put it down to stress and the fact that i have an obssessine personality and have suffered from ocd a few times in my life.Didnt think i was depressed.I do know what that feels like as i have suffered it on and off all my life.
Health visitor visited other day and did the edinburgh scale with me and i was "borderline".Think i may have exxagerated one of the answers maybe accidently on purpose so i could confess my crazy thoughts but was convinced i wasnt depressed.
However since talking about the thoughts i was having and my mum dying and my dads new girlfriend to the health visitor i have just crashed into a pit .Feel really really indescribedly horrendous.
Have gone from being in control to being scarily out of control.Has got so bad have already started self medicating with some Sertraline tablets i have.Does anyone have any experience of postnatal depression hitting them so hard?Feel like i have let myself and my baby down so badly.

I don't have any experience of PND (do of OCD though) but I didn't want to not post. You poor thing. Please don't feel you have let yourself or your baby down - depression is not you. It is not something you can avoid if only you pull yourself together etc. etc.

AFAIK PND can appear fairly suddenly several months after the birth. It is no surprise that things seem overwhelming - you have had a very tough time You have done so well.

Self-medicating not the best idea, as you probably know - do make sure you get help. Good luck.

Thanks berolina .Think the problem is dont have any friends i talk to on this level so maybe thats why i thought there was no problem.Dont know if its the ocd as it seems to return at times of stress in different forms but I get obsessive thoughts like a stuck record at the moment.Trouble is the compulsion is to sesk our reassurance but its an awful one because it wrecks my confidence to admit what im obssessing about if you get that?Like people would think i was mad or look down on me.Its a pretty awful form of it but i doubt any are pleasurable !Years ago had the classic checking ocd before you leave the house and also the body dysmorphic where i became obsessed with a scar on my face .Also eating disorders but not for a long time but think they are all linked.Thing is with ocd you think youve beaten it but it always comes back,like a demon to haunt you in different disguises.Thats my personal experience of it anyway.Think i maybe posted this in wrong bit not sure.Whats your experience of ocd?Would really help but not expecting you to tell me if you dont want to as i understand it is hard to talk about.

yep. me.
Thought i'd escaped it with baby no3 [had it severely after number2] and was doing great. then bang. down i went. Tis a bugger, isn't it? Two years on i feel ok but am only just dropping the AD (also sertraline) to a lower dose.
Try not to feel like you're letting your baby down - you are doing absolutely the opposite by talking / posting about it, you are doing something positive. Do you feel 'brave' enough to see your GP and see if you can get something sorted? Losing your mum sounds like an unimaginably huge thing to me - and having a child shortly after is only going to somehow 'rub it in' and magnify things, I really feel for you.
Keep posting.

OCD does seem to carry a big stigma, but it is a hard thing to have to battle and it requires toughness. Remember that in down, unconfident moments. Also remember every time it comes back it has one more lost battle behind it and one less trick up its sleeve with which to outwit you.

I've had the hygiene/handwashing thing, with a degree of obsessive thoughts, quite severely in my teens. It does intebsify at vulnerable times.

berolina that has to be 'Quote of the Week' for me - one less trick and all that. you wise lady.

Yes gigglewitch am going to see my gp today.Was putting it off as had a life insurance and critical illness assessment going through(repeat asess from same company,was assessed while pregnant and refused,when i argued with them that there refusal was unjust they told me to come back unpregnant,so was trying to keep a clean bill of health)Talk about bad timing,didnt even realise i was depressed when i re submitted.
Anyway since chatting to you lot and have also told my sister who told my dad .Dont feel quite so alone am going to get my priorities right and sod the stupid application.Am breastfeeding so was another reason was putting it off but have read the posts on here how it is safe enough .Not enough to stop me worrying as thats part of the ocd but i know im not doing my baby any good while im anxious and depressed like this.

Mum dying was a big shock but she had been ill for a long time.Had a brain tumour 13years ago and has even though she survived it has gone downhill since then.She was very poorly,incontinent and with alzheimers and part of me felt relieved that she had got some dignity back.It was soul destroying seeing her like that.
Yes it does rub it in but i try to see my child as a gift from my mum if you get that.So would love to have her around tho.My poor baby has only a grandad around here no other close relatives.Im not with her dad altho we are friends but his parents live 170 miles away and have still not even met her.
Can i add to Berolina i too found that quote very encouraging about ocd .

I see perfectly how your lo seems to be a gift from your mum. Felt similarly about my DD as a link from my Grandmother, to the point that she is her namesake . she already knows at 2yo where her unusual name came from, and it feels beautifully reassuring.
So sad that your mum and you had to go through all that, life just isn't fair
Glad to hear that you're talking to close people already, it really is the start to getting better. And well done for arranging to see the gp. Sertraline was fine for me bf-ing DC2 & 3, one of them for 10mo and the other for 19mo. They are bright little people, full of fun and energy, and well ahead academically, IMO proof that there are no detrimental effects to the baby's health from you taking AD's, and actually a lot to gain because you can be a mum who enjoys that precious time with the little one, rather than being a worried, stressed and in my case very grumpy one. Does the sertraline do anything for the ocd too? [I work with some people who have ocd, but no huge knowledge sorry]
The thing is, don't fall into the 'trap' of letting everyone around you assume that just cos you've got the tablets, you're going to be cured. Sorry if i'm saying the opposite of everyone else here but i got thoroughly sick of people wanting me to be 'fixed' straight away. You will get better, and must believe that, but acknowledge that there is absolutely no fast-fix and it can take a blardy long time. People desperately want to see how much 'better' you are today from yesterday and so on - the hardest but best thing I learned to do was be honest and point out that real life ain't like that, sorry and actually yesterday might have been great but for no reason at all today is utter crap - or whatever. The sooner you and everyone close to you cottons on to this, the easier life becomes because you're not trying to waste energy acting or pleasing other people, give all your efforts to the little one who needs you to, not the grown-up ones who can in fact help you and will be delighted to do so if they are real friends. I discovered that i have far more true friends than i imagined, who just take you as you are. Letting them in on it felt like a 'confession' of something really awful [usually accompanied with gulps or tears from both me and them] but once done, the benefits were incredible.
Sorry i've posted so much, If a single word of it helps then it's worth it, and otherwise can be ignored as ramblings of a madwoman witch. Just somehow want to throw you a life-belt like all those who were just there for me did.

Bloody hell just tried to preview my message and it vanished!will post again.

Seems desperately slow tonight this site.

Went to the docs today and got my ads.So first step.Just want this dreadful thoughts and feelings to go away but it takes time i know gigglewitch.Just hope i can get some control back in my head.I do know what you mean tho when people ask if your ok and you feel obliged to say yes when really you dont.Its what they want to hear.
Thankfully still on maternity leave but lot of my friends are work or linked to work so want to keep it private from them as cant bare the thought of them discussing me that im depressed again.Feel like a bloody joke.There not so close friends that any of them would keep it to themselves it would all get passed about,Sad but true.So just keeping it with my dad and sister for now.Sister lives 300 miles away tho so not easy.

Dont think you post too much gigglewitch its great to chat to another woman who understands.Thanks.

cool. keep chatting then eh MTB2

BTW, it took me a year, with absolutely sod-all improvement - in fact ending up on higher dose of AD's before I told anybody. including family. DH knew from the start but didn't 'get' it, as lovely and understanding as he is, and so supportive, he has done all sorts of things to help but still doesn't quite figure out the PND thing at all. I was an absolute witch [talk name so appropriate] a lot of the time. I had to change something and what i'd been doing obv wasn't getting me anywhere. I read "tell somebody, anybody" in an article about pnd. Started with very close 2 people in family. Both said "yep, thought so..." and hugged me. Few weeks later 2 closest friends. Who both said "I understand, I've had it" . hence the comment that it's the best thing i ever did. Possibly not the best for everyone though, it is awful to feel like the subject of the workplace gossip
Just had a peek at your profile, we're not tooooo far apart geographically. praps totally irrelevant, but just thought I'd say, fwiw.
And sis 300 miles away is a bit of a shame too. but if you're in touch with internet and phone or whatever, it needn't feel like the other side of the world?

Hi this is the first time I have posted so apologies for any mistakes or not knowing the accepted 'lingo'. I was motivated to contribute after reading gigglewitch's comments which I can so relate too. I was struck by PND 3 mths after having my LO. She is now 7mths and after considerable effort to get back on track I was doing OK. However, the last few days I have felt myself really slip again and those old feelings have returned. I am currently taking sertraline which has helped me up to a point. But I completely agree with gigglewitch that the tablets do not fix you immediately and god it takes a long time to really get back on track. I love your point about saving your energy for the LO rather than expend it on the adults around you. Will really bear that in mind. Thank you.

Hi, I found my self in the same position but DD was 8 months before I did anything about it. We had a wee accident when she was 4 months, she was fine but it sent me into a downward spiral.
I too started to have obsessive thoughts, which in turn made me anxious and stressed and had very low moods and became very angry and frustrated. Wanting to lash out at my partener, taking things very personally (if some one cancelled a coffee date, I thought it was because they didn't like me, not because their dc had a cold.....). I understand how difficult and lonley it can be, and it must be even more difficult when you are by yourself.
I eventually went to the GP. We are very lucky that we have a clinical pyschologist attached to the group of practices and the doctor refered me to her. Had to wait a while before getting an appointment, but the sessions have been great. It took me 3 months to have an hour with her without bursting into tears.
She has talked me through my thoughts, helped me to understand that the bad obsessive thoughts are so very common, given me some techniques to help me cope with the way I think about things and think about myself. She has been using CBT (cognative behavioural therapy).I am still seeing her but only about once an month. And it is bloomin' hard work, but we are getting there. She also makes sure I am doing things like getting some exercise and fresh air.
Different treatments suit different people, but as someone said before, whatever treatment you are getting (and admitting you have a need for treatment is such a difficult first step) takes time to work. I think my DH thought, right she's been to the DRs she's going to be well, but it is taking time.

Hi hope you are doind ok today. I went back to gp today after 3 months off the ads, as it just hit me yesterday. Feel very disappointed inmyself as thought I was coping. havent even told dh that I have been back to gp. I know from ds1 that I will get better but it takes time. x