Don’t want my life anymore

[Cantgoooon]

I’m so unhappy. My children are 8 and 6 both with additional needs. We had a nice morning until I put a song on. 8 year old got really upset (ASD and adhd plus other diagnoses) and started screaming and crying. I’d just put a song on. I turned it off. But 6 year old then upset ( ASD, pda, adhd) and started provoking 8 yo. I tried to calm and placate, tried to do breathing exercises, tried to get 8 yo to go to her room for space but 6 yo chased her. I got 6 yo out but she started trying to hit me. I lost my patience and really yelled.

they had been about to play a game but it got all ruined when I put a song on. I hate myself for putting fucking Mariah Carey on.

i hate my whole life. I don’t work anymore cos of kids. They both have quite extreme needs and have ehcps etc. I hate being a mum. I hate trying to deal with all the school and LA stuff. My husband hates his job. We don’t have much money. I wish I had a way out. I wish I had never met my husband so I didn’t have this life.

Ah op. I can sense the unhappiness in your post. I think it's these seemingly 'minor' incidents that are actually the most soul destroying, as it makes even simple joys seem impossible. Christmas is the worst for struggling people as all we hear about is families, having fun, celebrations etc. I make an effort for kids but really I'm relieved when it's all over.

It sucks but just keep on keeping on, get an earphone in and listen to music or a funny podcast while you're in the house with the kids to try cheer yourself up a bit. And put endless TV on!!!

@Shiningout thanks so much for replying. I’ve managed to have a shower and they are playing together on a tablet now. I massively beat myself up when I lose my temper with them so while they recover quite quickly I sink into a bad place for a day or two.

That's understandable. You're only human though op and sometimes it doesn't hurt kids to see they've upset you or whatever on the odd occasion. I hope your day gets better x

@Cantgoooon

I had a life like yours. I would urge you not to forget about your own wellbeing. You are as important as your children. Mine are adults now but I was prioritising them until I got cancer. In fact even during treatment. Don't be me.

You are doing so well.

@tothelefttotheleft thank you. I hope you are doing ok now? And I hope your life got easier.

I don’t know how to prioritise myself. I sometimes try and if I have a few days of things being on an even keel that helps but then something bad will happen and I sink lower. I can’t see the light you know. Or I try to do something nice for myself if they are at school but generally I am tense as neither find school easy. I feel bad if I am doing something for me while they might be sad. i think I’m traumatised from so much stress and trauma from being a mum - I get so tense if I get fearful something is going to set my eldest
off or if there is too much screaming in the house. Sorry I’m not making much sense. It’s too hard basically and I wish I had a way out. But I don’t do I’m trapped here.

Hi Op , I hope that today has been ok . I think you need to prioritise sometime for you . I appreciate that it is really hard , but even something simple like a walk / bubble bath . Are you able to catch up with some friends / family and just get some " me time " on a regular basis .
I think to be able to look after your kids you also need to take care of yourself . Can you and your husband sit down over a cup of tea / glass of wine and look at what you can change .
Your husband's job is an obvious one . Try and support each other to chip away at the things you can .

I think you need to be honest with each other about how you are finding it tough .
Take care

Thanks. I do get time to myself. I could use this better though and exercise or something. I don’t tend to use it well as there is always things to do like sort house stuff out or the kids stuff. But occasionally I read a book or meet a friend.

Buf it’s a bigger problem. I loath looking after my children . They are just such hard work. Things can turn in an instant from ok to screaming. I can’t explain really but anyone with two or more ND children with high support needs would understand. They are very different too which makes it worse - one likes to go out, the other stay in, one plays alone the other craves company. I can’t not be there mum although I fantasise about leaving. I feel pretty useless and shit for feeling like this and not being more on top of things.

my basic needs are met which I am grateful for but other than than my life is awful

Sorry it's so shit OP. It's very hard having DC with different personalities - I know from experience! It often feels like you'll never please them both, and there is always be one of them upset or pissed off. If one of them is happy, guaranteed the other one isn't.

Hope Op and the others on the thread are doing ok tonight xxxx

May be you are doing your best, actually , rather than being left out.

Thanks @imfae I don’t care much about new years so I
was ok and I hope others here were too.

generally I am not in a good place. It’s the kids but also my husband who is a good man but I don’t feel we work together anymore. I feel so much hostility from them all even though there is a lot of love - the kids are loving and lovely but so demanding and so high needs. Husband is defensive and hostile or completely loving. I would settle just for consistency.

I’m going to hopefully get a job this year although it will be a challenge with the kids SEN. But I hope that it will at least bring confidence and money to me.

i hope I can anyway as I feel my reserves are draining away. And feeling so on edge.

@Cantgoooon I also constantly feel like this. I daydream about what my life was like before having kids with additional needs. I miss me. I miss my simple life thats not filled with crippling anxiety. It's so hard. I'm going to the GP next week as I feel I'm reaching a point of no return for my mh. I just hope I can actually tell her

That sounds so hard! I hope you get a bit of a break and some breathing space when they go back to school. You make sure you prioritise yourself when you can, because from the sound of it, they all look to you. Don’t worry about being happy when they are not. You will be more resourceful for it. It’s much easier to be strong when you are fulfilled.

I don't know if anybody else just feels daily dread

@Weightoftheworld8 i completely hear you. I can’t write more now but yes this is exactly how I feel too.

It's so hard. When I think of the future it's just so bleak.

Hope Op and others are doing ok . Hope you have made some progress on the job front OP .

I also hope to get a new job this year . I did see one that looked good , but for practical reasons I had to accept that due to childcare it wouldn't really be feasible .

January is such a rubbish month , glad we are almost through it .

Thanks @imfae and good luck with your job search. I’ve been looking at what jobs may work with my caring responsibilities which has given me hope. And I’ve started a very minor volunteer role which hopefully goes well.

i think I’m perimenopausal which may account for some of the issues

hope others are also doing ok.

Thanks OP . That sounds promising re the volunteer position . I have met some really interesting people doing voluntary work and it is also useful to use someone from there as a referee .

Re perimenopause , please go to your Dr for a check up and to discuss the symptoms . I regret that I didn't go on HRT for ages and suffered in silence . Not everyone can go on it due to medical history though .