Why have I always found Christmas to be a very emotional and overwhelming time?

[Outrageousbehaviour]

I sound like such a party pooper but I do have anxiety and have suffered with poor mental health since I was a child so maybe this explains this all (although years of cbt and counselling have never helped me to get to the bottom of it all). No idea why I have felt this way as I had a lovely childhood and very much looked forward to this time of year.

Yet, at the same time I have always dreaded it. Of course, we all have emotional feelings when it comes to thinking about past Christmases and those we have lost over the years but this is a much deeper melancholic feeling which I have never been able to fully put my finger on.

I think that I have always associated Christmas as a marking of things coming to an end, a big burst after a huge build up which is something I have never liked. I have never liked that super quiet feeling after a big crescendo , I have always liked my life to be a steady flow rather than all and then nothing. The vast nothingness after the weeks of excited anticipation and then the big day was always too much for me and I have felt this hard since childhood and beyond. Also the acknowledgement that yet another year has passed by (even more hard hitting now I am 51, my kids are teens, parents are elderly and my mum has dementia), the long bleak Winter which stretches ahead and the uncertainty of a new year looming always leaves me feeling strange and very unsettled.

Even when I make my festivities a quiet and easy going one I still feel this. I have also experienced this after long summer holidays, trips away and even Sunday evenings bring this feeling and they still do decades on.

Does anyone else get this feeling? It really puts a dampener on all the festivities for me, especially the Christmas ones but I have felt this for most of my 51 years so I doubt I will ever feel differently over it.

I would just accept that this is going to be how you'll feel and plan accordingly. Lots of comfort food and drink, things to take your mind off it, lots of gentle light such as fairy lights and candles.

Even the most idyllic of childhoods can instil notions that cause us problems in later life. Were your childhood Christmases built up to be magical and then - poof! - everything vanished within a couple of days? Did Mum/Dad/Grandparents make a huge fuss of you but then went back to work, leaving you confused that you did something wrong to make that happen?

Also at what age did your mental health problems begin and why?

Yes, it was rather like this.

My parents are both only children so my dsis and I had my two sets of grandparents undivided attention. We would spend weeks visiting Christmas fares and gift shops with one of our grandmothers, they would all come to ours for the big day, we would go to my maternal grandparents for Boxing day and my paternal grandparents for the 27th as it's my dad's birthday and then it was all over.

I have little understanding of the reasons why my anxiety disorders (anixety, health anxiety, ocd, arfid) started at such a young age. Many on my mum's side have mental health issues, this may have contributed to my issues? I have had years of therapy but have never reached a conclusion or connection to any of my issues.

OK, so you learnt that the 27th was the abrupt cut off and there was only a 'vast nothingness' ahead. I'm guessing that nothing in the counselling or CBT actually addressed that particular thought pattern so it's continued, unchallenged.

Now, the obvious solution would be to give that part of your mind something new and shiny to look forward to, a holiday perhaps. (No coincidence that the ads for holidays start the moment Christmas is over!).

However, in your case that's simply reinforcing the notion that you need something to look forward to, that life is dreary and meaningless without the next diversion on the horizon. It would be far better to change the way of thinking so that you could take pleasure in just 'being' and all the small daily joys. Does this make sense?

Hi , I’m 51 as well and I feel the same way . I’m finding winter harder to deal with, my so has dropped out of uni with no plan and I seem to be aging rapidly.

I'm the same. I don't think it helps with the short days and crap weather. It's cold and dark all the time. I'm really missing the sunshine and bright mornings.

Yes, esp with the Sunday evenings..although I can pinpoint it all..it helps to trick my mind..I haven't built up to Christmas, every day I tell myself it's just a normal day and it's amazing what that does and staying in the present moment of it instead of it all building up in my head

@Outrageousbehaviour I could have written your post as I feel exactly the same. We’re not hosting anyone this year and I hoped that would make things better, but I’m sat here tonight still feeling nauseous and anxious over nothing.
I’m working tomorrow 8-2pm so am hoping the normality of that may make things slightly better tomorrow.
I love the build up and the planning but get to today and feel so anxious it’s ridiculous.
I struggle with the dark nights and mornings which seems to make it all worse , mainly since being peri I think which as totally exacerbated everything-53 now, but have been like this for many years to some extent.
I’m Trying really hard to stay positive and look forward to after Christmas, the evenings drawing out , even buying some spring type flowers when everything is cleared up and put away. It just seems such a shame when in theory I love Christmas but just can’t cope with the lack of normality.

I actually came on to ask for advice with this, as I’m feeling similar and mentally fragile. My eldest is going off to uni next year, and I find myself feeling overwhelmed by how quickly time has gone by. I know I should be making the most of it all, but I find myself fearing the next stage as kids move into their adult lives…

I also struggle a bit with Christmas generally as one of my parents died suddenly in early December when I was a teen. I’ve done my best to ‘deal’ with that trauma with therapy etc but in recent years I’ve felt quite low and depressed - some external stresses have contributed to that, and I’m sure my age doesn’t help (am 51 - interesting how everyone on this thread is a similar age).

Anyway, solidarity to those going through this. Would love to hear advice on what helps!

OP, do you think you might have ASD? Did you ever look into it?

@Champagnetastesbeermoney - Dd 17 will be going next year as well, she’s my youngest so frightening where the time has gone.
Having felt v anxious last night, actually feel much better today as at work and seeing my patients. I have to put on my work mask so to speak , professional and focussed . It makes me feel safe as I know my job and my place iykyim?

I've heard Christmas described as a deadline before and I think that sums it up well . It's so full on , and then nothing after.

Can you create your own schedule?
Or perhaps taper the festivites gradually.

Modifying the current set will probably be beneficial to you.

Op I feel your pain.
I have tried to head off the feeling by being really organised:
(bought and wrapped most gifts in the summer).
Organised rest days and social days.
Made boundaries with family members
Divided tasks with DH
Pre-arranged chunks of solitude with DH
Have bought all food
House looks good
but my mind is still like thick treacle. Anxious, low, exhausted despite a good few days of feeling as though I was nailing it.

Part of it is reflecting on the many losses I’ve had.
My mum died 7 years ago and I lost contact with my mums side of the family
My dad always just finds partners to piggy back on to their family lives so will always be grandad to other kids at some huge family table each Xmas
DH isn’t big on Xmas
DD just wants to be attached to me the whole time which makes me feel guilty for needing space
My sister lives abroad and is fully traumatised by our childhood so doesn’t celebrate Xmas really and is now NC with our dad.
My village feels hostile at times because I banned my step daughter’s mentally ill mother from letting herself into our home and she’s spread rumours about me so mutual friends now awkward about picking sides, others have basically ghosted me

I find this vantage point view of my life at Xmas very sad and distressing however for most of the year I’m not bothered about it at all as my real every day life is rich and beautiful. There’s just never a lightness of soul on Xmas day and I go very ocd to gain a sense on control trying to make everything perfect for DD.

I use all my energy on being happy for DD but can’t wait for the whole thing to be over.

I see the mechanisms are protective and it’s my minds way of finding some peace but it doesn’t stop it being very challenging.

I hope you’re okay OP. It’ll all be over soon.

I feel for you.

The turbo button on my ageing went into overdrive the minute I hit 50 and nothing I do helps, family worries certainly don't help.

I worry so much about my dc now they are older.

Me too, I long for spring. I've always suffered from SAD but it's really hit harder the last few years.
Would love to retire in the sun.

Peri has definitely turbo boosted all of this for me but it's also as you describe it, it's the lack of normality, I've always liked things as they are and my brain goes into a frenzy once things are out of 'order' as such.

I would have said for years that I had a lovely childhood too, not to lay the blame on my parents because it is the human condition to have bad stuff given to you by the previous generation and we will perpetuate a version of it too, but I didn’t. I had abuse in my childhood so that really helped me to see the dysfunctional dynamics eventually but there are more often there than they are not. We humans are very complicated creatures.

A wonderful childhood feels wonderful, whereas you felt anxious and that sounds very lonely. There will be a root to that loneliness and anxiety that happened in the many thousands of interactions you had daily/weekly/yearly or the interactions that you didn’t have and should have had. As another poster said you will have had messages given to you most likely unconsciously and inadvertently that made you feel the way you feel. You might never get to the bottom of that but even without doing that working on your self esteem, self belief and really learning who you are as a person will help. Christmas brings this stuff because we are told how we should be thinking and feeling but honestly who really feels that way.

It is interesting how we are all in the same age group, I do think peri makes us reflect on a lot, we are entering a different time of our lives and I find this transition really hard, especially my DC growing up (I know you're not supposed to admit that on mn!).

Christmas always feels like it should be a super special time but the flip side has always been, for me, so melancholy too, I always think of those we lost along the way.

I'm sorry you lost a parent at Christmas time. My nan died suddenly on Boxing Day when I was a teen and my mum was never quite the same at Christmas. It really can be a tough time for many.

I have wondered for a while, my psychiatrist suggested I seek an assessment and have been on a NHS waiting list but it's a long time waiting.

Could you keep the decorations etc. up longer than usual this year (they're so cosy to have around anyway)? And keep some Christmassy food around for longer than usual. Maybe giving yourself a chance to get a bit bored of it could help.

Thank you.
I hope your day goes well and you manage to get some peaceful moments too.

First post nails it, imo!

I think you're far from alone in feeling this way. I actually had a wave of it today, and we're not even "there" yet.

Also there's something about your posts that's reminding me of Oliver Burkeman's writing about "finitude" in Meditations for Mortals. It's a lovely easy read/audiobook. Very consoling.

Thank you, I will have a look.

Another thing , again I think age related 🙄, alcohol makes all the anxiety feelings 10 times worse.If I have a drink early in the evening, all the panicky feelings come. If I wait until we eat it’s not quite so bad.
Its good to read this thread and know there are others feeling the same - let’s hope we all have the best Christmas we possibly can 🎄