Struggling to open up in counselling

[ByZippyDog]

I am struggling to properly open up in counselling and feel stuck, and not sure how to move forward.

I clam up and seem to go within myself. I can't respond to open questions, particularly if concerning family members. I seem to revert to a younger version of myself - my counsellor has pointed this out.

I am now crying after today's counselling session because of all the feelings buried inside. I can never cry in counselling sessions.

Sometimes I journal and then will read my notes aloud in sessions, and this helps but I can't talk about some things and probably will never be able to.

My husband doesn't know that I am still going to counselling (he thinks I stopped a while back) but he also doesn't know that I SH.

It can take a long time to open up. Also maybe you need to consider changing counsellors. I have been going for around a year and haven't opened up about everything. I like my counsellor a lot but I am thinking maybe I need a woman.

Can you write some bullet points down and give them to the therapist, if you can’t say them out loud? Sometimes it’s easier to let them start the conversation with some ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions, and then lead into deeper thought.

Thank you, this is a good idea!

My counsellor did ask me some yes and no questions today but I couldn't properly respond other than in a monosyllabic
manner as was uncomfortable on the topic.

No problem OP, it sounds tough for you!

Maybe if there are some questions in the session that you are unable to answer verbally, you could take them home with you as homework and try to write a few bullet points on them (even in your notes app). Then the next session you might be able to read them out or just show them to the therapist.

It’s very hard to open up the first few times but a huge sense of relief and accomplishment will follow. It’s a massive weight off your shoulders when you get things out, even if it’s painful at the time!

Thank you, I like my counsellor and she has been great with giving me a tool box of techniques. I have considered whether just to stop counselling but this will mean giving up. I have had about 5 or 6 months but feel like something has changed recently as I realise I can't go to some places with her (or anyone else).

Can you talk about the fact that you can't talk about it? What do you find yourself thinking/feeling as it is happening? Any bodily reactions? How do you feel about your counsellor generally? Have you explored why you are hiding things from your husband? You may find Jessica Taylor's books and journal helpful to understand the difficulty you are having and to give you some talking points. Do you feel supported and understood by your counsellor at the times you are struggling the most? Can you see that you have built trust and opened up in some areas? If you have been feeling stuck for a good while you may benefit from changing your therapist but don't rush into it. It can be very challenging and feel very risky to open up in therapy and it takes time.

Have you tried naming what you are feeling? Like, 'this is really hard, I am struggling to say anything'.

Maybe speak to your counsellor about trying EMDR? This was recommended for me when my counsellor thought talking about things would potentially re-traumatise me.

Thank you for your response. It has given me a lot to think about over the last couple of weeks. I told my husband after the second session and he was under the impression that the counselling was to help me with situational issues with our children at the time. He was of the understanding that I stopped counselling after a few sessions when there was a holiday break but I went back. He doesn't know about the SH and this is what I am ashamed about and his response. We haven't really explored it in counselling but she's aware that he doesn't know and that he would suggest that I should be on medication.

Yes, I have built up some trust by telling my counsellor about the SH and have opened up on other areas, and have felt understood when I am struggling most. I am holding back on things that I don't think I will be able to disclose to any counsellor and maybe that's the main issue. I suspect she has an inkling.

I feel edgy in the appointments and go into flight and fight mode. I can't work out if it is to do with the counsellor or just the fact that I am in a room feeling vulnerable.

Thank you. I need to do this more.

Thanks. Unfortunately the counsellor doesn't use/specialise in EMDR but I have read up on it and its benefits.

There is no requirement to cry in the session, would it help to take a bit of pressure off about this? I often cry on my own, I always have done, there is no requirement that I am with my counsellor when I cry, I may tell her in the next session if it's relevant.
Also, it is not necessary to voice everything, you clearly have a lot coming up and that is enough that you are aware of it, the counsellor doesn't need to hear everything. I wonder if it would be possible to discuss these things with your counsellor so you can make an informed decision going forward. As I read what you wrote it seemed like there were a lot of rules as to what should be said or done in the sessions and I wonder if it would ok to try and discuss this with your therapist. Good luck going forward, it sounds like you are doing amazingly!

This sort of thing is really common. Counselling is hard. I was in therapy for attachment problems caused by severe bullying and csa. I couldn't open up no matter how hard I tried.

I used to write my counsellor a letter before each session to get across how I was feeling and what was happening in my head as I knew I couldn't talk once in the room.

I was in counselling for a good year and a half before I managed to talk about the csa. Nearly 3 years before I talked about the effect the bullying had on me and a couple of specific things that I was deeply ashamed of.

6 months is nothing. You barely know her. It's just instinct not to be vulnerable with strangers, not a personal failing on your part.

That first year I did counselling we pretty much exclusively talked about my week. Or spent sessions cautiously exchanging information. Because I found it impossible to trust someone I knew nothing of. So I asked questions and learned that he would answer me in almost every subject.

I learned things like his age, he was married with a child, where he previously worked, what they teach you in therapy school as I called it. What the tattoo across his collarbone said (different language) and stupid things like favourite takeaways.

I didn't ask anything inappropriate of course, I'm pretty sure if I asked him something like his favourite position we'd be talking boundaries 😆 but just learning who he was. That made it way easier to open up because I knew who I was talking to.

Some therapists don't work like that but I can't work with a blank slate. I'm too mistrustful and it sounds like maybe you are too. Can you imagine ever talking to her about the deeper hurts? If not, then maybe look for someone else but don't be upset with yourself if it takes a lot of time, that's natural. It's self preservation, that's not an easy instinct to override.