I miss my abuser

[Jamjams]

I have a eupd and autism diagnosis, I have been seeing a man on and off for about 10 years now. He has done some awful things to me, it started off emotionally abusive then became physically abusive. Police were involved a few times and he was charged with assault.
Last time I saw him he turned on me after telling me he loved me and called the police on me because I wouldn't leave the house. I had done nothing wrong. I went mad at him and pushed him over twice. He could have hit me back but he didn't.
I miss him so much though. It was the best sex I have ever had and I think about it all the time. We are similar in a lot of ways, we are both damaged people.
I want to contact him so badly. But then I think I hate him too. He would bring out the worst in me and I would lash out and say terrible things.
I swing from thinking he is a cross between the devil and Ted bundy, to believing we are meant to be and he wants to marry me.

Sounds like trauma bond to me...red flags, there's more to life than this dude OP

This video might be worth a listen

That. Plus look into attachment styles, looks like there is something there. Also, if you afford (great investment), go to therapy and break the circle. Sometimes, people don't love who is good for them, but who is familiar. Good luck, break free, be happy

OP have you written about him before and are you pregnant?

I'm glad to hear you're keeping away from him. Is that because of SS?

I would get therapy in order to process the relationship. Have you done DBT or learnt any strategies for your EUPD?

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful in learning about healthy relationships. Abusive relationships are like a rollercoaster and life can feel empty without the drama.

Focus on recovery like you would with an addiction. Block him on everything, delete his number and look after yourself.

Absolutely a trauma bond. I worked through one of my own 4 years ago. It is very very difficult to conquer, but it can and MUST be done. Good luck, OP, you can do this!

There are actually some free online quiz's you can do to see what your attachment style is. Attachment styles can change you're not in a particular style for life but are often formed in early childhood. It can be helpful to understand ... https://www.attachmentproject.com/

@username299 I actually posted him about on the Relationships board years ago and he did get me pregnant and abandoned me but that was about 8 years ago.
@Kaleidoscopic101 thanks that link was really helpful, I took the quiz and I'm a Fearful/avoidant/disorganised, which sums me up pretty well😀
I wasn't expecting to get any replies so thanks to those who have posted

@username299 I'm on the waiting list for one to one psychological therapy with the cmht, it's took me years and years to get this. He changed his number so I can't contact him now. I just can't believe I'll never see him again.

@Pearandgin yes this is all familiar to me, it's all I know as I have never had anyone who has loved me or I have been able to depend on.

I understand.

Try to recognise that the feelings you have for him are not about HIM , they are yearnings for something you want in a relationship - love, closeness, whatever. And your brain, because of your own trauma or attachment difficulties, latches on to the "good bits" from the old relationship and idealises them, because you are yearning so much. So when you are feeling these longings, try to remember that it is not a balanced view of the relationship, the reality of the relationship was very different and would be like that again if you were still in it. Try to acknowledge the feelings you have but 'step aside ' a bit from them...use your rational mind to counterbalance the emotions. If you get too caught up in them go do something else, distract yourself. You will feel more settled with time.