Normal feelings about motherhood?

[SophNx]

This is a bit of a long vulnerable post. Im looking for honest advice!

My baby is 14 months old and my first baby. She has quite honestly been a nightmare baby from day one. Reflux, never settled and just a high needs baby, and still is very much a high needs baby.

I struggled quite badly for the first six months. I was so anxious as she just screamed constantly I struggled with getting out and when I did go out out I was just consumed by her, never relaxed or enjoying anything. After the six months I started to get a little better, I think I just finally accepted her ways. I stopped caring as much and just got used to the constant crying. She started to sleep through after 6 months also so I think this helped me too.

After six months as I said I started to feel a little bit however I can’t say I found it easier I just accepted i couldn’t change her.

I’m now 14 months in and I can honestly say I find no enjoyment. I love her and I don’t want people to think I dont cause I really do. I just don’t like being mum. I don’t enjoy really anything. She’s hard work constantly demanding, she cries if the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. I work three days a week and if it wasn’t for childcare and guilt I’d probably work more!

I’ve come here to ask are these normal feelings? I often find little enjoyment in life now a days. I’m dreading Christmas because I just know me and my husband will spend the week mourning our old lives as she will just be so hard work. I don’t know if this is just motherhood or maybe I do need some help with mental health? I wouldn’t say I’m depressed but I’m definitely not enjoying this time of my life.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP. I would say it’s definitely worth speaking with your GP or health visitor about getting some support for your mental health. My daughter is 8 months old now and although it hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and we have had some really difficult days, I am genuinely and truly really happy, fulfilled and love my life- it is a huge change to my pre-baby life of course but not a bad change at all (for me).

Everyone has different experiences and I would say it is normal to have some really difficult days where you do feel down but the way you describe not finding any joy in anything, dreading things, mourning your old life, that general and constant unhappiness is not normal and I do think some support with mental health would benefit you x

@Mrsttcno1
I do think some people have babies with easier temperaments. I think my little Girls temperament plays a huge part in how I feel as the days are just constantly difficult, so I’m not going to enjoy them. Maybe a call with the HV might be a good idea as you say.

thank you for your honest reply

Hey @SophNx how are you doing now? You have literally described my life to a tee, and my little girl is now just over 14 months. She’s really hard work, similar to yours reflux to start with then just mega demanding/high needs since. I actually did go to the gp in December cause I hit an all time low, she couldn’t really tell me either way if I had PND but prescribed me some antidepressants anyway but I’ve not taken any yet. Sometimes I think am I just being over dramatic and this is just mum life and I need to get on with it? Some days are good, but the bad days I find really hard! Also my DD isn’t sleeping through the night yet so that doesn’t help! Did you ever speak to the GP/HV? X

@DollyGx
im so sorry your feeling this way. I can say I have got 60% better since this post, however definitely still have down days and I still often think the same that I don’t think other people’s experience is like mine and that i definitely had/have some sort of PND. I did do talking therapy through my GP as I was determined to do that before medication, although I don’t know if it was the therapy or just time that’s made me slightly better. sympathise with you so much. It really is so tough.

my Personal opinion is, anyone with these type of babies (hard work and constantly frustrated) are not realt going to love motherhood, I think we can love our babies but the temperament means 80% of time there crying! I think motherhood is hard best of times but for us it’s a matter of waiting it out trying our best till they are able to communicate.

please do message me, if you want to chat. I honestly can say this was the most loneliest time of my whole life. Xx

@DollyGx
Also I never contacted my HV in the end. However previously I had contacted them at around 8 months when I had been referred to talking therapies and the HV came to see me.

If I’m totally honest she just told me what I already knew and basically reiterated common sense (ie put baby down when too much, help from family etc) I think she just came to check baby was fine and I wasn’t suicidal if I’m honest ( which I defo was not just struggling) x

@SophNx aw I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better! That’s interesting as my GP did also mention talking therapy to me so I might look into that a bit more, I’m the same I’d much rather try other things before going down the medication route if I can help it.
yeah I think you’re spot on, we’ve just been blessed with needy babies 🫠 and as you say just need to keep going until they’re able to communicate better and hopefully not as frustrated! It’s just hard when it seems like everyone else’s babies are absolute dreams and just sit and smile whilst mines is on her 7th meltdown of the day 😅 I keep telling myself hard babies are easy toddlers, I really need there to be some truth in that, it’s only fair?! 😬

aw thank you so much that’s so kind I may just do that next time I’m having a tough day, and likewise for you ❤️

Just jumping on to say this was me ten years ago. Ds was a high needs baby, always so frustrated.

Then he got to around 18-20 months and everything changed. Once he could talk, walk and do some more things for himself he became the most lovely toddler. We never had terrible twos, or a threenager stage. He's very very bright, perceptive and articulate, but still gets frustrated if he doesn't pick something as quickly as he would like

The first year and half were really rough, the following ten have been fantastic, each one better than the last

So hang in there, it really genuinely does get better

@DollyGx I would say the talking therapies did help me to learn my feelings were valid. so I would defiantly say it’s worth a shot, even if it’s just for someone to talk to. I totally get you and everything you say, I used to get some upset seeing my friends with these chilled babies. Haha literally that sentence of hard baby easier toddler has just kept me going, even if it might not be true🤣 and yes please do!! Even if it’s for ranting x

@SusanSHelit
thanks so much for your reassuring words! I am praying we will have this experience as it’s been so tough. Thank you for sharing❤️

Also just wanted to say that my first DD was the same, slept in 20 minute interval at times. I was breastfeeding and would just hand her over to my partner as I felt so overwhelmed by it all. Didnt feel much love just went through motions. She's 5 now and it's just so much better all around. Hope you can get some support and feel better soon!

I was going to say the same as @SusanSHelit my toddler was an awful baby. We do have some strops but honestly It's so much easy now he can talk. He's just an independent soul. He's my second and my first was a chilled out baby.

@SophNx @Everestisthebest @2in2022twoyearson you have no idea how happy it makes me to read this, thank you! I have hope!! 🤣 @SophNx we just need to keep on keeping on 😅

Honestly was so jealous of those babies sitting happily in buggies staring at the world, or newborns who would simply lie on their backs when awake! honestly we're having some boundary pushing trouble now, but it's so much more fun than a baby who hates being a baby. He loves being able to do things for himself! His loveliest age always about 21 months, now 27 months and we are getting tantrums. He seems bright too, has potty trained easily.

25 years ago I would have written some of these posts. Nothing physically wrong with my daughter but every day as a baby was horribly hard work. I completely relate to seeing other babies and not understanding or feeling a failure as to why my reality was so different in every way.

Once the crying set in for the day there was no let up and daily life was really joyless with evenings being especially awful. Followed by the multiple wake ups every night and then starting all over again the next day. I look at photos of me from that time and can see how utterly wretched I felt.

I loved her to bits of course but looking back I'm not really sure how I managed it. I remember visits from family and friends who would help as much as they could but always ended up leaving me alone facing yet another difficult evening (single parent) and how bereft and trapped I felt.

As soon as she could walk and talk she was transformed. Two proper toddler tantrums ever, one of which was when her brother was born and she wasn't allowed to stay at the hospital with me.

She's now 25 and has been a delight for nearly 24 years!

It really will get better though I truly would not have seen it at the time.

Another one to say that what you are feeling is very common. We wanted dc, planned, looked forward to but nothing can prepare you for how everything will change. When dd1 was small I constantly wondered why I had chose to do this to us! Dd1 is 10 and dd2 7 and they are wonderful. We can imagine how life would be without them! But it is so much better with them. I still remember how hard it was when they were small, especially dd1. But those couple of years were worth it.

@2in2022twoyearson @PeachCrow @Blarn thank you all for sharing it honestly does help reading that it’s not just me, it can feel so lonely! I’m happy it got easier and better x

@SophNx How are things now? How is she? Have a really high needs dd2 and I try not to compare her to my first and I know all babies are different but I get so worried about her and I just want to see her happy and thriving x

@Lcfmmm - hi!! Hope you’re doing ok. My heart always sinks a little when I see someone comment on this post, as I know how I felt and how difficult I found it. It was such a hard time and you have so much sympathy from me. I can say it is now 95 % better. She will be two in October and I am enjoying her more. There are still defiantly hard days and she has the typical tantrums but nothing compared to the days before 18months. She is my first child so I can’t compare but I feel like she is just getting easier as she learns to communicate better.

i used to also feel like my little girl was never happy and because she cried and whinged so much I did blame myself. If your little one is anything like mine it does get better. I also learned to relax a bit more and don’t sweat the small things anymore.

I hope things improve for you. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to speak too. I do understand Xx

Hi Sophie, thanks for the reply. My youngest is nearly 2 and at nearly 2 also got a lot easier and I enjoy spending time with him. I've actually just dropped a work day to spend more time with him as I know from my eldest he'll be at school before I know it!

@SophNx Thank you so much for replying. I can’t explain how much the reply means to me. It’s that little bit of hope, hearing from people who have been through similar that keeps me going. Im so glad things are better for you. It’s lovely to hear that you are enjoying your daughter after reading what a hard time you have had.

My baby is nearly 10 months and she has been so high needs since she was born. We went down all routes like cmpa, reflux meds etc. Doctors believe it’s silent reflux but the meds have always made things worse. She cries so much and will only be held facing outwards but whilst moving. We have tried so much and it now seems that time is all we have left, just waiting it out.

Can I ask about you little girls milestones. Did she hit all her milestones? Did she babble? This is one of my biggest worries. Because she spends most of her time so unsettled and crying. The rare moments when she is settled,we don’t have any babbling and we are so worried about this? I read and sing to her every chance I get but she doesn’t make any consonant sounds or anything like mamama, bababa or dadada. I’m so desperate to see her thrive. I’m so worried about her development. We see a paediatrician regularly. I’m really hoping that with every milestone and stage things will get better x

@Lcfmmm I’m so glad my post has given you a little hope. I remember constantly searching on here for someone who felt like me.

You daughter very much sounds like mine was! We went to the doctors was told possibly colic, milk allergy and reflux . We swapped the milk and then given omeprazole which all probably helped 5% if that. After a few months we scrapped it all because it didn’t change her. If I’m honest I think I was just hoping and search for something to stop her being so hard work. I totally feel you about the held facing forward. We was the same I couldn’t sit down with her even in the house if I sat with her on my knee she would just scream until I stood up with her facing outward. She hated and still hates (but we can try and reason a bit more with her now) the car seat and pram.

it’s difficult for me because she is my first baby all the milestones she hit I wasn’t sure if they were early or late. She did babble at 10 months, not a lot because she was crying half the time but she did occasionally she would cry and babble at the same time sometimes!
Thinking back I remember 10 months being a weird stage she seem to come on a lot with
milestones probably around 1. She could say mama and dada by then and she started walking at 13 months.

I'm glad your seeing a paediatrician at least it helps a little for professional opinion. You sound like you’re trying your absolutely best and I guess you can’t control how quick she starts doing these things. It’s so difficult honestly I could cry reading my post back. I have friends who never understood how difficult my baby was and loved motherhood and I felt so lonely. Hand on in there I’m not saying it’s sunshine and roses and my little girl does have meltdown and still can be highly strung but honestly it’s absolutely nothing like them days from birth to 18 months. You’ve got this. Xx