I just want to cry and run away.

[hk1993x]

I don't know what the point in this post is but I am struggling so bad. I am exhausted, irritated, sad, anxious.. you name it.

I have horrible intrusive thoughts that I want to die. But I don't want to die. I want to be alive and be there for my kids. I am just utterly fed up of feeling like this. I feel like such a failure and serve no purpose. My husband and kids deserve so much more and they would be better off without me. I'm making sure my kids have a great Xmas but in the back of my mind I'm like, what if I just disappear? I know they would be devastated, I don't want to do that to them. But I can't live with this any longer, I can't.

Oh sweetheart 😔 I’ve felt like you have many times. It’s absolutely horrible. Have you spoken to a GP or anything about this?

Yeah i have a mental health nurse, I feel like I'm just losing touch with reality now. It's getting to the point that I'm wishing that something would happen to me 😔 but my heart breaks cause I wanna stay here and be with my kids too. stuck between a rock and a hard place xx

I don’t have kids so I don’t know exactly how you feel but I feel similarly about my DH, my parents and my nieces when I feel like I want to die. I can’t bear the thought of my nieces being told their auntie is dead. So I simply cannot imagine what goes through your head when it comes to your own children.

I found a combination of therapy with a psychologist and medication (after trying 3-4 that didn’t work or stopped working) has helped me. I used to genuinely want to die every single day for about ten years. Too scared to actually do it and knew deep down the hurt it would cause. More hurt than what I was feeling in my own mind.

You are your kids’ world. I don’t know you, but I know for a fact that you serve a purpose as you are a loving mother and wife and I’m sure there is a lot more to you than that.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering from this mental illness. But it is an illness. These thoughts aren’t true. 💐

What do you do that's just for you?

I attend uni that I enjoy but we are on Christmas break now. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day x

Are you taking anti depressants OP?
If not they could be very helpful for you and I would recommend speaking to your healthcare professionals about starting some.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Get what support you can in terms of medication and practical support and this too shall pass x

Yeah I've been on several, due to get new ones on Thurs but unsure what is gonna get prescribed, I'm absolutely terrified x