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Very poor self esteem has ruined my chances in life

8 replies

EvesHollywood · 14/12/2024 00:49

I have, all my life, suffered from very low self esteem. I grew up quite poor, developed acute acne at a young age, which has left me scarred and knocked me back even further. I found it hard to make friends. Although excellent at my recent jobs and very well thought of, I have struggled with work and progressing up the career ladder - I see friends and people I've worked with, shoot past me, buy houses, have lovely holidays, get invited to parties and events at Christmas and Birthdays (I think the last time I had a night out was on holiday in 2007.) I see this in terms of them being more beautiful and clever than me. I'm constantly hyper vigilant of what people think of me and have constant anxiety if i put a foot wrong. This all got worse 12 years ago when I was 48, and I realise this could have been perimenopause, but I seem not to have recovered and have become incredibly sad and pathetic. I have very little money to spare and as such I skip on things like getting a haircut, buying new clothes or looking after my wellbeing in favour of paying bills and rent. My partner has found it difficult to find work for years now and works through agencies when he can, although he's had no work since March. It all came to a head today when a colleague 30 years younger than me got a senior position over me and said: 'Don't leave and leave me in it, you need to help me out and show me the ropes, you are so knowledgeable and experienced. ' I sat and cried in my car. I 'feel' invisible, like I'm falling out of the world (I haven't seen my friends - who all live 200 miles away in London, or abroad, since September 23) and I could have used a friend tonight. I feel like i have never fully achieved anything or had any discipline, i just seem to fail and give up at the first hurdle. I do feel very isolated, bitter and sad. I've been referred to talk therapies on the NHS 3 times and each time they've just done CBT with me, that didn't work while I was having the therapy or afterwards. I have sadness and rage and anger mixed with anxiety most, if not all of the time. I'm not sure where to go or what to do now. Many of my friends are semi retiring, going into consultancy work (whatever that is), travelling or starting small businesses (online) on the wind down to full retirement. As it stands, I will never be able to retire. Tonight I felt like 'running off' and just leaving everything behind. Does anyone on here relate to this?

OP posts:
Tittat50 · 14/12/2024 01:01

It sounds like you're carrying the load a bit if your partner is out of work this long. It's a bit much for you to manage everything for you both on one salary. Can you talk to him about how you feel? It's rubbish that you have no spare cash to just enjoy yourself or do one really nice thing for yourself now and again. It sounds like you have nothing you feel you can look forward to.

The NHS offerings are absolutely shite. I've paid to speak to my therapist for over ten years because I imagine one session of CBT on the NHS would make me smash my head into the laptop ( because it would be a zoom only offering I guess 🤷‍♀️😆). You can't CBT your way out of very real,valid feelings. Sometimes you need to just say this is hard and it feels shit. I'm guessing finding your own therapist ( not CBT) might be unaffordable atm.

Having some plan where you feel you can at some point retire before dying is probably going to help a little. Your partner might be an important element here if he's not helping financially. It's not fair on you at all to carry everything financially alone.

RC1623 · 14/12/2024 01:07

Yep, hard-relate to the lack of achievement and discipline. Also have thoughts of running off but pretty sure it wouldn’t help as you can’t run away from yourself. You must be doing something right to have a partner in the first place… maybe try to focus on the positives and go from there. Wishing you all the best.

MsGoodenough · 14/12/2024 09:38

Feel the same OP. It's so hard

Eyesopenwideawake · 14/12/2024 12:16

I'm constantly hyper vigilant of what people think of me and have constant anxiety if i put a foot wrong.

We're the same age. You don't have to live like this any more, it is possible to change.

TaraRhu · 14/12/2024 14:42

Are you on any medication? Have you tried any? I feel exact like you do when I'm not taking any meds. I was a chubby teenager which and was bullied . It killed my self esteem. O messed up uni big time. But eventually got there with several rounds of anti depressants. I am on them now after a really difficult year. I can't tell you how much they help me. People (wrongly imo) think that these meds just cover up problems. I think they just make me see the light in things I can't see when I'm depressed or anxious. I'm also not hyper vigilant and am able to do things that ultimately make me happy. I think I could do this without them but I'd need a therapist every week which I can't afford.

I know nhs cbt isn't great but I think it depends who you get. If you do it in line with meds you might find it better. I would check also if your work have an employee refferals scheme for counselling. Mine does. Worth a shot. It's not too late.

Jenkibubble · 14/12/2024 21:56

Difto - poor self esteem and I quit when things get tough .
My current job is monotonous and relentless but I’m sole earner and must pay bills etc !
It has got worse over the past 2 years - peri perhaps

MsGoodenough · 14/12/2024 22:03

I've been on anti depressants most of my life and can't say they've helped, although I'm scared to go off them in case without them is even worse. I just want to give up but I'm only 45 and have a 10yo DD.

noobiedoobie · 17/12/2024 21:13

Hi OP didn't want to read and run, I've been doing a free (no selling ever) finance course which I've found really helpful re. retirement planning. It's Rebel Finance School, you may find it helpful x

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