I have, all my life, suffered from very low self esteem. I grew up quite poor, developed acute acne at a young age, which has left me scarred and knocked me back even further. I found it hard to make friends. Although excellent at my recent jobs and very well thought of, I have struggled with work and progressing up the career ladder - I see friends and people I've worked with, shoot past me, buy houses, have lovely holidays, get invited to parties and events at Christmas and Birthdays (I think the last time I had a night out was on holiday in 2007.) I see this in terms of them being more beautiful and clever than me. I'm constantly hyper vigilant of what people think of me and have constant anxiety if i put a foot wrong. This all got worse 12 years ago when I was 48, and I realise this could have been perimenopause, but I seem not to have recovered and have become incredibly sad and pathetic. I have very little money to spare and as such I skip on things like getting a haircut, buying new clothes or looking after my wellbeing in favour of paying bills and rent. My partner has found it difficult to find work for years now and works through agencies when he can, although he's had no work since March. It all came to a head today when a colleague 30 years younger than me got a senior position over me and said: 'Don't leave and leave me in it, you need to help me out and show me the ropes, you are so knowledgeable and experienced. ' I sat and cried in my car. I 'feel' invisible, like I'm falling out of the world (I haven't seen my friends - who all live 200 miles away in London, or abroad, since September 23) and I could have used a friend tonight. I feel like i have never fully achieved anything or had any discipline, i just seem to fail and give up at the first hurdle. I do feel very isolated, bitter and sad. I've been referred to talk therapies on the NHS 3 times and each time they've just done CBT with me, that didn't work while I was having the therapy or afterwards. I have sadness and rage and anger mixed with anxiety most, if not all of the time. I'm not sure where to go or what to do now. Many of my friends are semi retiring, going into consultancy work (whatever that is), travelling or starting small businesses (online) on the wind down to full retirement. As it stands, I will never be able to retire. Tonight I felt like 'running off' and just leaving everything behind. Does anyone on here relate to this?