I think my husband has BPD help?

[Starrynight999]

Hi,

so my husband is very black and white thinking, very Jekyll and Hyde. Major mood swings, can become very angry over things most people don’t become upset about, very paranoid, very self hating. And self guilt, thinks he’s useless and a C**t, won’t take responsibility for actions, very self critical and also uses alcohol to cope which is not ideal,

we had a episode over the weekend I can only describe as a mania episode, screaming, shouting, threatening self harm extremely aggressive and angry,

we have even together 20 years. And I have never ever felt scared of him or worried around him regardless of mood swings, but on this occasion I was worried for the safety of me and my children,

the hard thing is, he can be an amazing dad and husband and the kids adore him, but the other side to him is so hard to live with .

he has had manic episodes were I can inly
describe his eyes as black and demonic.

please don’t read this judgement and assume he’ is awful because he really isn’t, but I really think this is something this can’t control,

we have recently spoken and I think he is coming round the the idea that something is wrong and has reached out to his gp and is awaiting a call, however he touched upon tonight he doesn’t want to speak to them incase they think hes a bad dad, and then they won’t him see his children or they get taken away because they think he is unstable etc .

i don’t know how to reassure him, however im sure there are many parents with this issue that alone are offered help and support rather than judgement,

I don’t really know what it is om
asking for but I’m finding it so hard to deal with.

i think im just looking for a chat for myself just to learn how to cope and do the best by my kids,

thanks

Any episode which scares you is too much
He needs to reach out to gp
If he cannot control this he needs to live separately
You cannot live on eggshells

Look into dialectical behaviour therapy, there's free workbooks available online, it might be something his GP can refer him for. The first step is recognising there's an issue and asking for help so it's good he sees that this is what he needs to do. Ensure you take care of yourself, BPD can be incredibly wearing on the loved ones around the BPD person. Put yourself and your children's safety first. He needs to see his GP and start taking proactive steps.

screaming, shouting, threatening self harm extremely aggressive and angry,

This will ensure his dc do not want to see him
Or that you have to call 999 and have him arrested
If he addresses this behaviour them all is good

The next time it happens ask him to leave and if he does not call 999
Then he might address it

Maybe he's a schizophrenic he needs medical help and you need to move to a place of safety.
Call the GP and ask to discuss the situation with them, without your husband as see what the next steps are.

You cope by getting away if he’s behaving like this. Maybe it is a mental health issue and he will get well. But has he always been this way? What is he like with other people? Is he the same?

He might not be very rational at the moment but you have to help him recognise he needs to get mental health support before it gets too late and difficult. If you can find a calm window to talk to him in a safe space, I would give him an ultimatum - that he seeks treatment or he moves out. Having an angry and violent person around children is a deal breaker - he deals with it or he leaves. Straight up, said with compassion to avoid further conflict - but you need to follow through on any ultimatum if he fails to co-operate. It simply is not worth the effect on your family's safety and mental health to mess around with this. Take it from someone who knows.

Please look into ADHD first

I would be sure to tell him he will need to pursue the necessary treatment - professional therapy, GP, psychiatrist diagnosis etc and move along the pathway until you are clear what is wrong, and then it gets treated in any way that is necessary.

Also, by BPD do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? What you describe sounds like bipolar disorder to me based on a family member's behaviour.

On this occasion I was worried for the safety of me and my children

You need an escape plan.

What has ADHD got to do with this behaviour where he was "screaming, shouting, threatening self harm, extremely aggressive and angry" ?!

I've been previously diagnosed with BPD. 10 years later the diagnosis is redundant as I've since been diagnosed with ADHD. There's lots of threads on here where people will tell you the same thing. My ADHD diagnosis gave me the resources I needed to self regulate and understand myself more. My BPD diagnosis just enabled me.

And does the behaviour outlined in the op resonate with ADHD symptoms? @Hyperquiet

I have a long history of MH problems. I do absolutely everything in my power to protect my DH and my son. I take all the medication, regularly see a psychiatrist, go to therapy at least once a week. MH issues are not an excuse to be abusive. If he is unwilling to engage and get help, you need to protect yourself and your children leave. I would fully expect, and want, my DH to do the same if I wasn't engaging.

My husband experienced similar behaviour and has also been diagnosed with ADHD. It has taken a long time to get to this point as the GP just wanted to prescribe antidepressants which he was on for several years. Eventually he started seeing a psychotherapist who recommended the ADHD assessment which he had privately.

I think the point is a) you need to be safe and so do the children and he sounds not safe at all and b) only someone professional can really look at all his symptoms, his history and he may not be disclosing all of it to you, so he needs proper assessment.

I'd say to him that without treatment and him seeking help, you will have to consider keeping yourself and the children safe, however, I would also seek help and contact his GP yourself (he can't tell you anything but you can disclose what you've said here to them). I would encourage him to see a psychiatrist, possibly privately.

No-one on here can diagnose your husband and you can't either, so that's why you need to strongly encourage him to seek help, proper assessment, and ring the police if you feel you are in danger or the children are in danger, otherwise it may escalate or get out of hand and that will be far worse than acting now. You might also think about using the mental health option on 111 as well, and you can contact the Crisis team in most areas if it escalates which it sounds like it is. Get the information now as it does not sound like it ends here.

Yes. With ADHD you really feel intensity of emotions. I live this. I feel it to my core. I'm not saying it's defo ADHD but it's 100% worth exploring imo.

You shouldn’t be trying to diagnose him yourself. He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist so your best bet is to arrange an assessment with a private one.

Do you mean bipolar or borderline personality disorder? The mood swings sound more like bipolar. I hope he sees his gp and gets MH support.

I also think it sounds like ADHD my partner is very similar to yours, he went to see a therapist, who first recognised it as ADHD and gave lots of techniques to help him with regulating his emotions. He is on the waiting list for a full assessment.

Borderline personality disorder tends to be more intense in your 20's and 30's it would be quite unusual for it to develop later in adulthood. But pp's are right he should be getting an assessment by a psychiatrist, hope he gets some help soon.

I'm not sure whether you mean borderline personality disorder, bipolar mood disorder, or whether the ADHD suggestions might help, but you do need to make it clear to him that this life isn't sustainable for him or you or the children and be prepared to take action both to support him but also to keep yourself and your children safe in the face of an aggressive out of control man who has scared you.

I have been diagnosed as BPD (now known as EUPD) and have never displayed any of that behaviour. On the contrary I can be very quiet, withdrawn and self loathing. Don't blame his behaviour on an undiagnosed mental illness, when in fact he could be an abusive prick. Keep yourself safe.

Borderline Personality Disorder was reclassified as EUPD some time ago but as PPs have said, you don’t say which disorder you are referring to. Most importantly, please try not to diagnose him yourself; this can only be done by a Psychiatrist if it’s complex. Encourage him to seek support but keep open-minded on the diagnosis. Xx