I feel alone in my household and I need motivation

[Fishandchipsareyum]

Hello
We are a family of 4 and I am the only neurotypical one.

I don't need to bore you all with the obvious stress and sadness and heartbreak I feel on a daily basis, and this feeling will always remain, well that is what it feels like, because my children are my life and I cant be happy seeing them struggle.

I need to get my old motivation back, I used to be so into health and had hope and some joy for the future, but not anymore. I am surrounded by people I cant connect with fully. I need to sort my diet but cant get rid of the sugary treats because the girls need the snacks when unhappy and they have extremely restricted eating patterns due to the autism. Having the chocolate in(chocoholic) is keeping me in an emotional eating cycle.

2 years ago the 1st diagnosis was given (I didn't know anything about autism until then, we went private and was diagnosed within a month was so fast.) and now I can see that my dh is the same and not just quiet... he seems to be getting worse at coping with age, he is very gentle and quiet and its always been me holding it all together in survival mode, he has very little executive function outside the workplace ,now I know why. HIs whole family are (hence I have never been able to connect with them either and stayed away due to cruel non sensical comments directed at me for no good reason at all)

so I need to be ok with feeling and living like its only me in my wee bubble, because I literally get no motivation from dh, even though it isn't only me in the house(if that makes sense) , because I don't care for myself anymore and have lost all spark. I will be 40 this month. I have been too pre occupied by all the carer duties I have, and all the different plates of food I need to make(or they wont eat, so making one dinner not an option) that I stopped having balanced meals myself.

Help please, also yes, unhappy in the marriage but have decided to stay as my life is not going to improve at all (house owned jointly and I am stay at home carer for kids so financial issue too, I cant work due to my kids not coping in school) if I left him and went alone with the children it would be a nightmare, so I remain unhappy. I need it / us all kept together. I guess we are all settled and that's important to me after a life of upheaval with my own parents divorce then all the house moves.

Would improving your eating habits help? If you have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis you'll see how it's possible to break the food/comfort cycle.

Yes it will signal me getting back to a healthy mindset. Instead of giving up on myself , which is my current state. It will help me to respect myself again and live for what's good for me instead of giving up and just doing what everyone else needs and forgetting what I need. I also need to get out more on my own, but I find that hard. I don't drive, so rely on dh for that side of things. I also don't go on nights out as I don't have friends that do that and anything I try and plan I either need to cancel for the girls need me or something or it impacts on something else in my life, causing me further hassle and stress.

It’s clear you’re carrying so much on your shoulders, and finding ways to prioritize yourself even in small, manageable ways will be key to regaining some of your spark. Start by focusing on one small change. For example, if sugary snacks are a comfort but also a trigger, try creating a balance: allow yourself a specific amount but add something nourishing alongside it, like nuts or fruit, so it feels less like an all-or-nothing cycle.
Meal prepping simple, healthy options for yourself (like soups or salads you can quickly grab) could help, even if the rest of the household meals are more complex. This way, you have something easy and nutritious for you in the midst of chaos.
In terms of your emotional health, carve out even 10-15 minutes a day just for yourself, whether it’s a walk, a quiet moment to read, or even guided meditation. This time is for you, and while it might feel selfish at first, it’s essential for your well-being. You deserve to feel a sense of joy and fulfillment, even in small moments, and that will ultimately benefit your entire family.
Finally, consider reaching out to a local support group or an online community for parents in similar situations. Having a space where you can vent or share tips might ease the isolation you're feeling. Small steps, one at a time, can help you find your way back to yourself.

Hi I’m in a similar situation as you, except my kids are less impacted currently (they have plenty of ASD traits but cope at school and don’t meet the threshold for referral quite yet).

I think you need to recognise the marathon that you’ve already been running. You’ve clearly been supporting your DH with executive function outside the home, probably doing lots of supporting work around relationships for him. Your kids have probably taken a lot of additional energy since birth. I bet you’re really tired! This is okay, you’ve been doing so much for so long 💐.

Sometimes I feel like there’s just not enough resources in the family to meet everyone’s needs. I put my own to the bottom for so long because I could cope more easily. Except that strategy no longer worked when I wasn’t coping. It sounds like you might have reached your own limit. I needed to understand what my needs were and how to meet them.

Can you do this too? Some of mine were: need for connection (meant spending a year prioritising friendship) need for joy (making time to do things I love), need for change/stimulation (travelling, even alone). Once I had this figured out I could turn to see what resources were available to meet these needs too. This meant adding more resources: outsourcing stuff, asking friends and family to help. It also meant working with DH on what he could do more of. It turns out he finds the kids easier to manage on the week, so I try to schedule stuff then.

I realise that I’m lucky in that DH actually can do stuff for the kids, this isn’t possible for some of my friends whose DH / DD traits just trigger each other all the time. But hopefully there’s some food for thought in there. The most important thing to say is that you deserve to have your needs met, to have time just for you, to have a good sense of yourself. Over time, if you can meet some of your needs it will be more sustainable for your family setup overall.