Scared I'll be lonely in later life

[SlB09]

I seem to keep circling back to this thought. I only have one child. A small family around this. I live just over an hour away from home town, I have a few good friends which I'm grateful for. I just keep circling back to feelings of loneliness and am actually really quite fearful of a lonely future. I'm in my 40's. I work, I do a group hobby once a week.
I'm trying to work out whether this is some deep seated insecurity as other people with a similar life would be very happy, I worry about other people feeling lonely e.g my parents, probably projecting.
Maybe I just need therapy! But feeling it deeply today.

Not sure what in after with this but think I needed to just get this out of my head.

Are you lonely at the moment or scared of being lonely at some future time?

@Eyesopenwideawake I have feelings of loneliness now, sometimes quite profoundly but intermittent. Kind of like post holiday blues but slightly more than blues. It's like a type of feeling disconnected.
Maybe I'm bothered this will be more prolonged when I don't have work/kids etc and more time on my own. I don't know.

I don't know whether I have screwed ideas of what everyone else is up to as well. I have a few friends/ex colleagues who have big or v involved families/wider circles and look at them and think (with some jealously in all honesty) you'll never be lonely. But they are v social people and seem to make friends easily or be happy with superficial connections (as I would see them)

Imagine yourself in the middle of a 'loneliness' ladder. At the moment you're looking up at those you see as being more successful or higher on the scale and feeling bad about yourself. Maybe trying looking at those on the same or lower rungs and fostering friendships with people who will value yours as much as you'll value theirs.

@Eyesopenwideawake that's useful thankyou, never thought of it like that x

I often feel similar and think my Mum' dying 18 months ago has made me worry even more. I have two children but moved to the UK quite some time ago now, leaving behind lots of siblings and an ever growing number of nieces, nephews and other relatives. So I guess I have people I can call but not see. Then I feel like I am missing out on so many things back in my home country. I worry that my DH will die before me and my daughters will be caught up in their own lives and I will be so lonely 🙁. I'm in my early 40s and suspect a lot fo this is a mixture of grief and peri-menopause anxiety.
I have friends but I guess not as many as I'd like and often feel like I'm the one putting the effort in to make contact and arrange things. Some of my friends also have lots of close by family and old friends so always have plans.
It's so hard but I do think peri is playing a big role for me at the moment. And generally feel unhappy with life- I've put on too much weight and I'm not exercising or looking after myself. Not getting enough sleep and have kind of stopped making an effort with lots of things. Sorry not solutions but lots of empathy from me. Worries about ageing and happiness in later life really keep me up at night. Xx

@Whatisthisarghhh I really appreciate your reply, and I'm sorry you have these worries too. Do you think it has anything to do with moving and not feeling that sense of 'belonging'?
Most of my friends actually are not from here either but they don't seem (unless they keep it to themselves) to have the same worries and feeling of disconnection. I suppose not everyone needs this or gets it in different ways.

I'm around the same age but trying not to put everything down to hormones (although on my period and feeling incredibly emotional right now!!).

I do feel the same with he effort but and maybe someone asking me how I am etc would help things? I have no idea!!!

My job is also specializing in older people and so I think I see it day in and day out which maybe sways my experiences views and thoughts. But I have to say there's people who have 2+ kids who never see any and then those who have one who see them all the time.

I'll come back to this thread but wanted to pop in to say that moving can really compound these feelings. It's harder to make a support circle and then stick to it when life is so busy and certainly lockdown really stunted things at times. Something I see from the work I sometimes too is that people who are part of some kind of team or group like a church group, fundraising group, charity volunteers, sports or arts interest groups etc, have more connection and things to look forward to as they get older.

Also ask your friends for hugs and get into the habit of hugging each other a lot.

Also pets!

Anyone else any thoughts on friendship/older life connections?

From reading this O thought what would I be feeling in your shoes, and I totally get you. I think I'd be missing that meaningful strong personal connection like from a partner or family member. Some level of willing happy dependency.
I wonder if you could try some sort of volunteering role on a 1:1 basis? Maybe like mentoring young people in need of a caring wise adult to help them through a difficult time of life?
It might not work with your current career but another one might be working as a nanny for a family long term where you become honorary family. Even babysitting in the evening can develop into that kind of connection- where you're needed and wanted in equal measure.
Don't know if that floats your boat but I think I'd consider something along those lines.

@Userxyd thanks. I am married, we get along well but my husband isn't really the emotional type (pretty sure he's on the spectrum plus childhood trauma). I think my mum brought us up to be super independent but that's kind of backfired now a little bit in that I'm just not skilled at 'peopling' in general.

I am not nanny material haha, that wouldn't be n option for me personally but I appreciate the sentiment. I'm obviously missing connection now and concerned what this means for my future.

I relate to what to say OP, although my situation is worse in some ways, as I am an only child and I have no children of my own. I do have a partner, and also a friend in a similar situation. I think the advice to try to make connections with others who may feel similar is good. Maybe think about where you will live when you are older too. I have my eye on a lovely retirement village. I would like to move in there before I really need to, to give me time to make friends. It is very expensive though, so I have started saving a specific amount for it each month. It gives me a sense of taking control of my own future, at least somewhat.

You have a child, family around you, and good friends. I have no parents no siblings no children no family whatsoever and three friends in all the world all of whom live many miles away from me. Am I lonely in my old age? No I'm very busy with hobbies and interests.

I have one child who is young adult still at home but she'll leave for uni in the next 2 years.

My mum is here but I do worry that ultimately I'll be alone.

That is good to hear, as I too will be without parents, children or siblings in the future and I worry so much about feeling alone.

Don't compare your insides to other peoples outsides. (What's going on in your head to what other people are presenting to the world) many people in larger families are that way because they have complex blended families that bring a lot of of tension etc. And remember you can feel lonely in a crowded room. It's about fostering quality connections not big groups of shallow loose arrangements. Try picking a few people you feel comfortable with and deepening those relationships with more time etc

Loneliness is nothing to do with whether you have a family or not. It is a cliche, but nevertheless true, that you make your own happiness in life. I have no children and no family (that I want to see) but I have never felt lonely. I have a number of good friends, hobbies, activities etc but, most of all, I am content in my own company. Solitude is a pleasure. You need to make your own way in life, OP, not rely on other people for your contentment.

I can relate to this OP. I’ve got two adult children and family who live hours away. Apart from my mum and OH I’m alone. DC have their own life. I’m going to have to seriously give some thought to how I widen my social circle (it’s minuscule) 🤣😂. You’re certainly not alone with this, hope this helps a bit.

Thanks all, I genuinely don't know if it's something inherent in me to feel this way no matter what my life situation?! As others have said I have more than others and they are content with their lot.

I really understand your feelings OP. My fears are compounded by progressive disability which is making it harder to get out and meet people or even socialise with the lovely friends I have. By the time I'm older my future feels likely to be quite bleak. I'm sorry you are feeling like this I'm just saying I understand. You have the chance to change things so perhaps you can make it your New Year's resolution?

I completely relate to you OP.
I live with my partner (no children), we have two dogs which helps with the loneliness. My Dad died a couple of years ago, and I’m only really close to my mum in our family. She’s struggling with grief and supports a lot of other family members such as my elderly grandfather. Means I don’t have much contact with her. I have friends dotted around, but not many who I am super super close to. I feel a sense of disconnection most of the time. It leads to feeling a bit depressed. I try to busy myself with my own interests, but deep down, I’m a social person.
I am unsure of how to change my circumstances and today it’s felt worse as I’m reflective on Christmas Day and I’m worrying about the future and how this will be for me…

I agree with you @Cynic17. I’ve had periods in the past when I’ve been worried about being alone/feeling lonely, but now I realize that I like my own company and it doesn’t bother me at all to be alone.

I like other people and have family and friends, but if I do end up on my own at some point, it won’t be the end of the world. It’ll be fine- and you’ll be fine too if it happens to you @SlB09. 💐

Oh, I also meant to say that I deliberately don’t compare my situation to other people’s either, because comparison really is the thief of joy. Just make the most of you have.

Thanks @BruFord that's a very compassionate response. I admit one of my worst traits is being able to worry about things that may not happen as if it's 100% going to happen, ai have little confidence in my ability to cope with certain situations. I'm also terrible at getting stuck in this freeze thought pattern (I have had CBT which helped greatly) but struggle to 'busy myself' with things that give me no joy even if it is to distract my mind....which I know I need to get better at.
I may be a little depressed ATM I suppose.
@Runingoncaffeine definitely also some Christmas reflection going on here and I certainly identify with the feeling of general disconnectedness, although I'm curious as to where this comes from? Feel free to pm me x