Husband doesn't want to be alive anymore

[Gemmy96]

I don't know what to do. I think I might see if he can see a psychiatrist privately. He says he doesn't want to die, he just doesn't want to live. I knew he'd been feeling down for a while but didn't suspect anything this bad. What on earth am I meant to do

I’m sorry oP.

Any chance it’s physical exhaustion - long covid or similar ? It’s an interesting distinction between not dying and not living. He sounds tired …

Firstly, keep yourself safe and well as best you can OP. How long has he been like this? Was there any particular trigger that started it?

There are local alternatives to crisis services often run through charities that can help with support and safety plans

Start with his GP: and yes, ask the GP to be honest about the likelihood of him being seen by adult mental health, and ask about private input if you can afford it. But I'd always say his GP should know what's going on. Ask about local crisis and recovery services too, eg Mind where we are run a Crisis House, and there's a day centre focused on recovery which some people find really good.

Has he said why? Is it a nihalist mentality, depression or something else?

111 press 2 to access mental health services.

If he says he doesn’t want to die that’s one good thing but the not wanting to live is a big concern. I would want him to speak to MH professionals asap.

sending love @Gemmy96 xx

It seems to have been worsened following the birth of our child, so eight months or so ago

This. Do it now and the crisis team can arrange some support for your DH. You can also arrange a private psychiatrist if necessary but he needs urgent assessment now by the crisis team.

He says he's been feeling like this for a few months so I don't think it counts as a crisis

I felt like this for a while after my second kid was born. I don’t feel like that now.

my best friends husband felt like that for five years and now isn’t alive.
look after yourself .

Do you know why he has decided to share this with you now?

Firstly keep yourself well. Seek.outside services to help ur husband. U are not qualified for this. Been there- nearly broke me.

I've been feeling like this for a few months. I'm in a tough situation so I can pin my feeling of hopelessness on that.

I think it's imperative that your DH speaks to his GP about it just to start the ball rolling with MH support. I've finally got around to self referring for talking therapy a couple of days ago (this is how it works at my surgery) and have been offered an initial appointment next week.

If it's reassuring at all, I have no actual wish or plan to kill myself. I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed and I think I've confused not wanting to face my situation with not wanting to be here. When I really examine it, I absolutely do want to carry on with my life but unfortunately my first thought when I wake up in the morning is that I wish I was dead. I don't actually want that though. It's so hard to explain!

I think it's gradually been getting worse and has now gotten worse again

Teacher with mental health training and experience of working with suicidal young people and adults, here.

I would urge you NOT to trust the 2 contradictory things your husband is saying. It is simply not possible to be both alive and dead at the same time.

It is clear that he is not thinking clearly and needs help now.

I would urge you to make some quick arrangements for family/friends to look after your child, right now, tonight.

Take your husband to hospital A and E tonight.

The hospital WILL have people trained to help.

Do it tonight.

God speed.

Hard to keep going?

In that case I would definitely be seeking outside help urgently. Let them decide how serious it is.

I agree this is urgent but I would say to ring the MH crisis team rather than going to A&E. It isn’t worth risking leaving it as he has told you for a reason.

I’ve been through this too @Gemmy96. I agree with the PP who suggested seeing if somebody can have the DC and take him to A&E.

If that’s not possible, would he call the Samaritans?

I don't necessarily agree with taking him to A&E tonight unless he says he needs immediate help. It will be a very long wait and exhausting in itself. The state of emergency healthcare and the realisation that emergency care isn't easily accessible forms part of why I feel so hopeless. I've seen terrible things in hospital. On the other hand, a trip to the GP leaves me feeling supported and reassured.

I'm not sure I agree with going to A and E. It's hell on earth right now and he won't feel good there. I see people regularly waiting hours on end for anyone to discuss their case with them. I have seen people after suicide attempts being sent out sharpish after a day or two.

Please don't over estimate what they can and will do. I'd talk to him and ask him if he'd consider trying some sort of medication. This is so so hard but the less you panic, the calmer you are, the more likely you'll get the truth.

I'd be asking for an urgent appointments via the GP who can prescribe medication straight away. SSRIs for example. They helped me a fair bit when I had them. But I recommend the lowest dose possible due to side effects of anxiety.

I think it's not uncommon for people to just want to be dead but not actively suicidal. I've felt this alot due to some pretty horrible health circumstance I'm dealing with. I know we can't tell you for certain here. I just feel that a knee jerk panic response might not be the right thing and could make him feel worse.

I know I'll sound annoying but could that be related to lack of sleep (the mention of baby)?
Lack of sleep can lead to depression.

Also I'd look at his eating habits (lack of veg and fruit?) and being reasonably active.
As well as the people he sees often- relations with colleagues and friends.
Just make sure the essential needs (body and community) are met before anything else...

Part of being at A&E is for OP. She has him in a safe space. When my DH was actively suicidal a few years back, I loved him being admitted to the psych ward because it meant I could relax.

I think this is quite a common with depression - passive suicide ideation. I have experienced it and never had any intention of acting on it, it was rather an extension of the feeling of hopelessness and inability to get any pleasure out of anything.

Obviously you need to make your own evaluation as you know him better than anyone but I would be encouraging him to see gp for meds/therapy rather than rush to A&E which is a really depressing experience of itself!

Agree with @H34th.

My DH’s mood is terribly affected by his blood sugar. When he starts talking about suicide or I can see him spiralling, one of the first things I do (while listening) is try to get him to eat.

I cook from scratch daily to get lots of nutrition into him too. Encourage him to run (bonus feel-good points for running outdoors in the fresh air). I let him sleep too - he’ll ‘nap’ for five or six hours on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon.

It’s so hard to know how to help. Good luck x