What's wrong with me?

[worriedhidinginplainsight]

I first had therapy age 15 when I was still at school. I'm now late 40's and my last lot of therapy finished about 6 months ago. I'm still struggling really badly with life. I've been in therapy on and off for over 30 years.

I have had Cbt, psychodynamic, behavioural therapy, gestalt, DBT (full intensive program via cmht).

I'm on antidepressants for the last 15 years , which have definitely helped with my anxiety and depression and I intend to keep taking.

I'm not better.

I constantly feel completely overwhelmed with basic things in life. I constantly feel like I need to'sort things out'/organise everything... then I will try again to have an actual life and do normal things.... I'm always home alone either trying to organise things, or sleeping because everything is too overwhelming. Everything feels too much all of the time.

Nobody knows this! Because I put a huge amount of effort into presenting myself in a cheerful and likeable manner when I do venture out a.

I used to work until about 5 years ago, but no matter how much I tried, I was bullied in every single job. I never ever was able to fit in. I was good at my jobs, but colleagues expected me to be sociable too ....I'm not. I am not unsociable either, it's just chatting with people who I don't know very very well is very difficult. I am not an unfriendly or a horrible person, I am kind and caring and people who know me well say I'm also funny, but it's so hard to cope with the expectations of colleagues.

I've missed out on finding a partner and having a family because I knew that I couldn't do dating. I'm fine if I have a specific subject to talk about, but freestyle conversation is virtually impossible for me.

I just really badly want to fit in and lead a normal life but it's feeling impossible.

I'm not a naval gazer/self pitying, I have applied myself 100% to every therapy that I have done. I'm probably above average intelligence. I'm happy with my appearance. I just have a big barrier between me and life.

I think that I might be autistic.

I'm super sensitive to so many things and get unreasonably upset about various smells, noises and light issues. I have very specific things that I need to have in place so that I am able to fall asleep at night.

I'm seeing my gp next week and I am trying to work up the confidence to ask for an autism assessment. I'm just worried that they will think that I'm just looking for an excuse not to take personal responsibility for my ongoing mental health problems.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing and this is you taking responsibility by asking for an assessment. Good luck.

@Pillarsofsalt thank you so much. I really need to do this.

You may also have ADHD as well. You do seem to have traits of that and it’s being high lighted currently that adults are under diagnosed. Maybe ask for both to be assessed.

@MotherJessAndKittens thanks, maybe I will ask for that too. I have devised strategies of my own, to help me with everyday life.

For example, I have a laminated checklist of everything that I need to do, and everything I need to have in my bag, before I leave my home. It helps me to not be late. Without the list I just run around like a headless chicken. I also have checklists for what to do when I arrive home and what to do so that I can go to bed. I've been using these things that I have devised myself, but I'm aware that most people don't need these things.

I also had a daily checklist of all the things that I should try to do every day....such as shower, clean teeth, go outside, eat dinner, evening walk before sunset etc. That kept me completely functioning, but then it got completely ruined by a male neighbour. He noticed my routine and started turning up on my evening walk. This wrecked my routine, because I stopped the walks, and things have been difficult so then.

*im not asking for advice about the neighbour ruining my evening routine. It's shit, but under control

....sorry, I didn't intend for that to be in dark text! I don't know how that happened!!

Your post made me think ADHD. But possibly autistic, or both. Sometimes getting the diagnosis is the best thing you can do. Understanding yourself helps so much.

I also have quite a lot of childhood trauma. Which I have always understood as the source of my mental health problems.

But looking back, a lot of my trauma was due to my mother constantly screaming at me that "you are so highly strung raaaaaahhhhhh" or "you are so over sensitive raaaaaahhhhh" here, have a slap.....me crying......."why are you crying, it was just a little tap....raaaaaahhhhh"!!!

I've been very much the same most of my life it's exhausting. Lots of lists I need to tick off if I don't my days gone to shit. Two of my children are diagnosed with autism and another has adhd. My dad has very strong traits but isn't diagnosed my mum has schizophrenia. I mask all the time so I can work and pay my bills but my life revolves around work and bus timetables (I'm obsessed with them). As I'm getting older my mask is slipping and it scares me, it's as though I've ran out of steam. I don't have any advice but just solidarity there are so many of us out there just trying our best.

@Hiddle1976 thank you for the solidarity. I literally feel like I have run out of the steam to keep going now. I hardly ever leave my flat these days. It just feels like it's too much now. I am ashamed to say that I am on PIP and UC. I am one of those citizens who are not working/on the sick. I really really don't want this. I'm so sad because I feel that I have got a lot to contribute to social, but I think that I have finally reached the point where I just don't have the energy left to keep on trying and fighting.

I'm tired now.

I regularly have very strong suicidal thoughts because I have tried so hard to just live a normal independent life, with normal milestones, but the older that I have gotten, the more obvious that it has become that my expectations are not realistic for me.

And I'm exhausted,

Also, I acknowledge that at this point I have not yet been diagnosed with a neurodiversity, and I may be assessed and find out that I don't have a neurodiversity.

With regards to being on benefits and out of work. The money I get is fine for me to live on, and to be honest, I don't get too much trouble from the dwp. My mental health history is so complex that I think they just leave me to it. But this isn't a nice way to live. I feel like I have so much to give, but every job I have ever had I have been an outsider and the bullying has been so intense. It just makes me feel so sad.

I very strongly identified with your post. I am getting an ADHD assessment because, like you, I am feeling DONE with being different.
I am exhausted with the pretence, the rehearsal to socialise, the self loathing, the nagging "just kill yourself, I am done".
I am really worried that having spent $$$$ on an assessment, they may find that I am not ADHD or autistic and that would mean that I am just faulty.

@worriedhidinginplainsight I've always felt different god knows how I've still got a job I've had tons of sick days this year. Which infuriates me because I'm so contienous and in my opinion hard working but management don't see all the previous work. If you don't mind me asking how old are you? Don't be ashamed accept the financial help. I might have to at some point throw my hands up and say I can't do this anymore. I've worked so very hard for promotions but was always passed over I'm realising now that my sanity is more important than work milestones.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your struggles, OP.

Please don't reproach yourself for the assistance you're receiving. Thank goodness it's there for you. You have more than enough to cope with in your life

Apparently CBT is not very effective for ND people and we also tend to mask through therapy.

I'm the same with the lists!

Your post screams neurodiversity to me, OP. I'm so glad you're going to seek assessment. I think you work incredibly hard to cope and manage. It sounds exhausting xx

I agree, I did.

@Hereweka I hope your assessment goes well.

I can identify with everything you have written OP, so much so I had to check that I hadn't posted it myself! Similar age to you, never married or had children and a very potted work history. I loved work and was offered promotions in pretty much every job because I was so conscientious and a perfectionist when given any task. But I struggled with colleagues and was also bullied in my last three roles. I've also a history of childhood trauma and have suffered with anxiety and depression my entire life, so was under the mental health team for years. Lately, I've been having the same thoughts as you - an I autistic? I don't think it would be picked up during school years because I was so quiet and never any ' bother ', and excelled academically. And in adult years my mental health was always put down to a horrible chaotic childhood, no one ever suggested autism. I truly hope you get some answers and can take some comfort in knowing there's lots of us out here, hiding in plain sight! Ps, yes to the lists too - i don't feel ' safe'without a checklist; I have one for everything, including cleaning!

I also think you’re autistic. I am autistic myself. Start using the spoon theory to manage your energy levels, and use planners including visual ones to go from one task to another, and organise your week/day. Make a big list on a bit of paper then split them into the days on your diary

@MorePlants yes, I have a very similar life story as you! You sound like my twin!

@eRobin thank you for the tips. I will look into them this weekend :)