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Beginning counselling

17 replies

Curiousto · 28/11/2024 20:26

I've decided to have counselling mid 40s to try to address how my abusive childhood impacts my current life choices.

I've just finished my third session at £60 for 50 minutes and I feel like I'm wasting my time. We sit there for a few minutes while she finds the right conversation opener, I then waffle on. She says a few bits here and there of no significance, and then my time is up.

Is this how it's supposed to be? I'd rather spend the money on something useful!

OP posts:
Jawandmoan · 28/11/2024 20:28

Have you discussed what you are hoping to get out of the sessions? What type of therapy is it?

Namechangeobviously2024 · 28/11/2024 20:32

Are you "waffling on" about the difficult stuff or just random things?

Tuhlula · 28/11/2024 20:58

If you want some specific and direct therapy for your trauma maybe you could look into EMDR, tapping or rewind therapy. Those therapies don't rely on you talking through it all.

iamnotperfect · 28/11/2024 21:11

I think this is so difficult as it can take time to build trust and rapport with a therapist and figure out if they are right for you (I've had psychoanalytic psychotherapy) but when you are paying so much money each week - you want to see some value fairly quickly.

When I first tried it -I honestly felt like I would get more out of talking to my cat so only went to two sessions with that person. Not sure if that would have changed had I persisted but I suspect not. I then got some on NHS and it was amazing but took some time to feel any benefit - but since I wasn't paying out of my pocket directly - the pressure wasn't the same.

I'm going to start again soon privately so hoping someone might have some tips as to how to figure out if therapist is the right fit fairly quickly...

Jawandmoan · 28/11/2024 21:13

I agree with the PP about it taking time to build trust with a therapist.

Murpe · 28/11/2024 21:15

This bit jumped out at me "while she finds the right conversation opener," from what you said in your post. Do you feel that she sets the agenda for the sessions, rather than supporting you in identifying the focus for what you want to talk about?

Itiswhysofew · 28/11/2024 21:19

I had counselling a few years back. I didn't have clue what to expect and like you I just found myself waffling on without much direction from the psychotherapist.

Looking back, I don't think it was useful to me. But I do wonder if therapists could be instructive, if that's the right word🤷‍♀️

Mattins · 28/11/2024 21:37

It’s possible you’re not a good match with your therapist, but it’s probably too early to say. What exactly do you want from these sessions? You shouldn’t be ‘waffling’ — are you being truthful in what you say? Are you trying to dig down to truths? Is what you’re dealing with very difficult?

It’s possible she’s trying to establish trust before getting you to confront difficult things, but it’s important to ask for what you need from the sessions, or feed back what’s not working. I’ve seen three excellent therapists (one retired, and one is a specialist) over the last eight years, and I definitely wasn’t convinced by any of them after three sessions. Yet having therapy has been one of the most transformative things I’ve ever done.

LightSpeeds · 28/11/2024 21:46

Itiswhysofew · 28/11/2024 21:19

I had counselling a few years back. I didn't have clue what to expect and like you I just found myself waffling on without much direction from the psychotherapist.

Looking back, I don't think it was useful to me. But I do wonder if therapists could be instructive, if that's the right word🤷‍♀️

Similar. I've had counselling a few times and, apart from being able to get things off my chest for an hour a week, I didn't find it very helpful, longterm.

I think if you don't know why you feel the way you do, counselling can help you unravel your thoughts and feelings and understand how your life events have affected you.

I'm quite self-aware though - enough to know the cause of a lot of my issues. Really, I needed help to make real changes to my life, but this wasn't really part of the counselling.

starrymidnight · 28/11/2024 21:57

The right therapist should make you feel ‘held’ and contained, although it can take time to
build up this trust. It’s not just about what is said, but the entire process of everything that’s going on - ultimately the process can actually help rewrite your brain.

I would encourage you to tell your therapist what you’ve said here. A good therapist will be able to discuss this with you. It’s also entirely possible they’re just not the right one - do you have any control over it or do you have to see this one?

Curiousto · 28/11/2024 23:41

Murpe · 28/11/2024 21:15

This bit jumped out at me "while she finds the right conversation opener," from what you said in your post. Do you feel that she sets the agenda for the sessions, rather than supporting you in identifying the focus for what you want to talk about?

I told her all the things i wanted to address in the introductory session. She began sessions 2 & 3 with openers similar to "so what would you like to talk about?" I respond with a "I told you everything and there's so much I don't know where to begin as I'm not the expert" she replies with "you are the expert on you"

Session 2 she suggested we picked a current irritation in life to discuss after that conversation. Session 3 she suggested we discussed my response to said irritation over the previous week after i said I didn't know where to begin.

She's echoed back to me things that I've told her as we talked.

It just feels pointless.

OP posts:
Jabtastic · 28/11/2024 23:50

I think people tend to know within 3-5 sessions if their counsellor is the right fit. Don't be afraid to move on after that and try someone else.

Moier · 28/11/2024 23:58

You don't need counselling for past trauma .. counselling is for here and now ( think marriage counselling) . You need Therapy and there is a big difference.
I've had Therapy on and off for over 30 years.. tried them all and time in psychiatric hospitals.
Just had 20 weeks of CAT Therapy and it's the best I've had.. wish I'd heard of it sooner. I feel like I've taken a magic pill.
My Therapist was amazing.

https://www.acat.me.uk/page/about+cat

About CAT | ACAT

Cognitive Analytic Therapy is a form of time-limited psychotherapy. CAT is about forming a trusting, explorative and collaborative relationship with the therapist.

https://www.acat.me.uk/page/about+cat

Jawandmoan · 29/11/2024 00:59

Curiousto · 28/11/2024 23:41

I told her all the things i wanted to address in the introductory session. She began sessions 2 & 3 with openers similar to "so what would you like to talk about?" I respond with a "I told you everything and there's so much I don't know where to begin as I'm not the expert" she replies with "you are the expert on you"

Session 2 she suggested we picked a current irritation in life to discuss after that conversation. Session 3 she suggested we discussed my response to said irritation over the previous week after i said I didn't know where to begin.

She's echoed back to me things that I've told her as we talked.

It just feels pointless.

Edited

She sounds really crap. I’d ditch her and find a new one.

Crazykefir · 29/11/2024 01:47

starrymidnight · 28/11/2024 21:57

The right therapist should make you feel ‘held’ and contained, although it can take time to
build up this trust. It’s not just about what is said, but the entire process of everything that’s going on - ultimately the process can actually help rewrite your brain.

I would encourage you to tell your therapist what you’ve said here. A good therapist will be able to discuss this with you. It’s also entirely possible they’re just not the right one - do you have any control over it or do you have to see this one?

This with bells on. Also agree with other PP she sounds crap.

Cableknitdreams · 29/11/2024 17:16

Unlike previous pp, I don't think the therapist sounds bad at all, at least from what you describe, OP. It sounds like she has asked what you would like to talk about, which is a way of trying to make you feel more at ease. Therapists often just sit in silence and wait for the client to begin, so the fact that she's asked you what you would like shows warmth, at least, I'd feel that (of course everyone's different).

It sounds like she has suggested something to focus on (the irritation you mention), when you were feeling overwhelmed by having so much you didn't know where to start. Then she's suggested looking at your responses to that over the last week. That sounds like she's taken on board what you said you wanted (to look at how your choices are influenced by past abuse) and is opening things up so you can focus on a current irritation and how your responses are influenced by your past?

Of course, if you don't find that helpful or relevant, then that's fair enough (because it's true you know better than anyone else what works for you, although it sounds like the therapist was a bit cryptic when she said you're the expert — she could have said what that means for the therapy).

Do you feel you're waffling rather than talking about what's important to you? Would more questions about what you're saying be helpful to you? Or focusing in on one aspect, rather than the session involving you saying lots of things but not in much depth? Or are you waffling about one or two things in depth?

When I had therapy years ago, I felt like I was just waffling each session, explaining my childhood and other experiences, but not getting much in response. In retrospect, I think the therapists I saw might have assumed it was a rare chance for me to have a space to express it all (as that's one main purpose of therapy, but just one of many), when actually I was tired of telling my experiences over and over to people and really wanted some explanation of why I felt so awful!

Soupwithstring · 30/11/2024 19:34

I've got a lot more from counselling than therapy, but I talk about different things.

With the psychotherapist I talked about my most dark and deep thoughts and memories. And often left feeling shaken and in tears. The therapist would wait for me to begin speaking and because I had that space, I would just talk. Sometimes about absolutely random stuff for the first half of the session and then sometimes a thought would come to me and rock me and I'd be non stop then. She didn't say much in response and that was helpful.

With the counsellor I talk about very immediate things like the way my week has been and how I've dealt with anxiety. She gives me practical advice although sometimes a memory or thought comes up and we discuss it.

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