Endless bleakness

[Soonerthanlater]

I’ve tried, I really have. All the things you’re supposed to do, that are within my power. I sat at a&e for 6 hours, to speak to the psych liaison. She said I could go home, and someone would contact me to arrange support. I got home to find a police car waiting for me, someone at the hospital told them I’d ‘absconded’. The officer was nice enough, she contacted the hospital and it was confirmed they’d made a mistake. So the neighbours all have something to gossip about. I’m back to where I was with a side dose of humiliation.

Even Samaritans aren’t answering today. I’m not someone who has ever felt able to open up to complete strangers, but it was my last option. And now that’s not. So that’s it. There’s nowhere left for me it feels. I don’t want to fight anymore.

Do you know why you feel this way op? Sorry you are struggling xxx

Please call 111 now and you should be able to speak to someone who can support you, you are not alone in this

I’m totally alone in this! If I call 111, they’ll advise me to go to a&e because of what I want to do, which I can’t discuss on here. I’ve already been to a&e, there is nowhere left to go. I know why I feel like this, in essence my life is screwed up, as is my body, and I can’t see any point to it.

OP do you have anyone in RL you can call?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way OP. You could try this helpline:
National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK
Offers a supportive listening service to anyone with thoughts of suicide. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline UK on 0800 689 5652 (6pm to midnight every day).

Or this text service if you would prefer to write it all out:
Shout
If you would prefer not to talk but want some mental health support, you could text SHOUT to 85258. Shout offers a confidential 24/7 text service providing support if you are in crisis and need immediate help.

I really hope you can access some support OP. I have been where you are and it's the pits, no one else can understand the despair. Sending hugs x

Aw op I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so very low and alone
It does sound a bleak place to be
It won't last forever, just be kind to yourself this evening and as the other poster suggested could call a friend IRL or text SHOUT to 85258?

I took enough of my meds to knock me out last night, better than doing something there was no coming back from. I have no one close in real life, I wouldn’t be reported missing for weeks, if ever. In some ways, I like that, there’s not going to be anyone massively affected if I do follow through.

I have 4 rooms gutted 1 today, filled up a bin. Stuff that was just taking up space, with no real use like me very much. Someone from CHMT phoned, we had a 39:min call so my phone says, I don’t remember what we talked about. Fuck knows what I said. 1 room done at least. Progress of sorts.

Glad you got some sleep but please make sure you are taking your meds within safe limits.

Have you had any referrals for any talking therapies Op? So you can talk through all your feelings and try and make sense of them.

Just seen your update as I was writing this reply- great that you are being productive and that you had a call from the CMHT. Don't worry about what you said but hopefully they have made a plan about regular contact with you?

I’m not sure. I definitely said they can’t knock on the door it’s sets off a panic attack, I don’t know why I said it. 3 rooms isn’t much, I need someone to take it to the tip. I did take more than I should’ve but it’s fine. I want it all gone, it’s meaningless stuff, now I’ve run out of bin bags. I was going to give some things away on FB, but I don’t really know how to use it, it’s easier to bin it. They all know what happened and look at me with pity, I can’t find words to talk about it, I see his face and throw up and start shaking. I have bad shakes tonight, I hadn’t noticed it’s like normal now almost.