I’ve messed up everything, again.

[Grantedimaloser86]

In a bit of a mess at work. I’ve been there four years and it’s a reasonably responsible job. However I don’t feel like I fit in. I am a lead for a small team of 5 but I constantly feel like everyone hates me or thinks I’m thick.

So I’ve resigned.

They’ve asked me to stay and I want to sort of but I don’t know how to move beyond this visceral reaction of feeling like an absolute loser. I literally now go mute because I think who would want to hear anything I have to say. I feel awkward and want to be invisible. It’s not just at work, I feel it a bit all the time. I don’t like looking at things which belong to me - my clothes, books, car etc because I feel they are tainted with the same loser stuff that j am. I feel like I’m not worth having anything and people must laugh at me behind my back.

logically I am aware this is irrational - people probably rarely think of me, much less care, but irrationally this is my default response.

The situation is making me feel suicidal - which does come and go generally anyway and has for perhaps the last five years. Sometimes it’s louder than others and it’s pretty loud at the moment. I stick around for other people but it’s so hard to live with someone who you hate 24/7. Not just hate, but who disgusts you. How I look, my voice,
my belongings, absolutely everything about me makes my skin crawl and I am stuck with me.

it’s rubbish.

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. You know that your feelings aren't rational and a sign of low self esteem.

One thing that's important to remember is that colleagues aren't your friends. Although it's important to have a good professional relationship, it's not necessary for them to like you.

If you were as stupid as you say, then you wouldn't have your job. As for people hating you, well that's their business. If there were complaints about you from your colleagues then I'm sure you would have heard by now.

Take back your resignation and take some sick leave. Make a GP appointment and get a check up, you could be run down. Speak to the GP about your feelings.

Start journalling your thoughts. It's very cathartic to get them out.

Get some exercise, even if it's a walk round the block. Get some fresh air and sunlight every day. You may find Tai Chi or yoga helpful.

Rehaul your diet, start eating lots of fruit and vegetables. Cut down on alcohol and take a good multivitamin and Vitamin D. Drink more water.

Think about therapy. You can find therapists on BACP.

The Samaritans are available 24/7 if you need to talk and CALM have a helpline and web chat open till late.

You might find the book Six Pillars of Self Esteem useful.

Op speak to your doctor, sounds like either depression or a signficant mental health issue, I don’t know, but I do know they will help you, you don’t need to feel like this. Take back your resignation and explain you need to go on sick leave.

They wouldn’t have asked you to stay if everyone hated you or thought you were thick. I’ve resigned then been persuaded to stay in the past, and I promise you it wasn’t embarrassing - we moved on from it quickly and I had some pretty happy years there.

More important than the job situation is how you feel about yourself. Are you getting any help - talking to anyone or taking medication? If not do you think you could call your GP tomorrow?

i found self esteem cds or recordings good by Steve G Jones.. also CBT helps, there are people who want to help you… you just have to find them and move on from this bump in the road in your life..

The thing is at one point it felt like I might finally have found somewhere I did fit.
I have a handful of colleagues who I have seen outside of work and hear from them outside of work also…but I assume it’s out of pity.
I loathe myself. I am constantly annoyed that I am me. I try and distract it because I’m aware it’s self indulgent and irritating but it’s not like a rational response then either. I always feel as though I’m lesser than other people and a loser - stupid, ugly, pointless, thick, failure, boring, disgusting.

I am not having any medication currently. I am in therapy but I am paying and won’t be able to afford it unless I can find another job.
I don’t feel in the headspace to do that because I can’t fill out an application form at the moment because I can’t write anything nice about myself. I just think I need something that can’t be messed up, ideally on my own with no other people.

Can you accept - or at least open yourself up to the idea - that the horrible ideas you have about yourself are just thoughts and are not reality? You have no evidence that people are only contacting you out of pity - that’s a thing that a wonky bit of your brain wants you to believe. Sometimes wonky bits of my brain want me to believe that if I step on a crack my children will die, but that doesn’t make it true. In my experience of people, it’s actually way way more common that they only contact people they like and want to hear from.

I agree that looking for a new job would be a lot for you right now. Do you think you could face accepting their request to stay and keeping your current job for a while? Maybe you could take a bit of time off - if you tell a GP what you’ve described here they would definitely sign you off with depression for a couple of weeks. I think they would encourage you to try some medication as well. Could you think about calling your GP in the morning?

Just to say it really really doesn’t sound to me like you’ve messed up everything (that’s your brain again!) I’m glad you’re in therapy, do you feel like you’re being honest with your therapist? Is there anyone else in your life you can talk to about this?