Is this a midlife crisis?

[mama38midlifecrisis]

Hello,
I am not sure if this the right forum to be sharing this but I need to get some things off my chest, so this post will be my therapy session. Thanks in advance to all who read and reply with comments, advice and thoughts.

I am a mum of 2 in primary school, I am 38 years old. I met my partner in high school when we were both 17 and have been together since. We went to uni together, lived together since then, got married at 28 and now we are carrying on our "normal" life with a mortgage and 2 kids.

I am not sure if it's because motherhood was hard for me (I had my first child at 30, probably had undiagnosed PPD and other issues) and due to the years of lockdown, but lately I feel that I can't remember the last 10 years of my life. I remember being in my late 20s, happy, care-free, focusing on my body and my mental and physical health, in a happy and supportive relationship, and suddenly I am 38! I am shocked by the fact that the last 10 years have been such a blur, and I feel I have nothing to show for them (apart from my kids). I have completely lost myself, I feel like the last 10 years all I have been doing was being in survival mode, and I've lost some of the best years of my life (age-wise) because of that. Now I am approaching 40 and I feel it is too late to do the things that I want, I have no energy or brain-space to do them and all I can do is continue to be a boring working mum,

I have no interests or I am an interesting person. I know nothing that goes on in the world, I don't even know who is Prime Minister. I have literally no time to read a paper or find something that challenges me intellectually. I used to be an interesting person and was able to hold a conversation in several topics. I loved my academic years (I have a BA and 2 Masters), but now I feel like my brain has lost the ability to absorb any new information. This has also led me to be stagnant at my job. I WANT to be an interesting person but I have no one to talk about things or anyone in my life with common interests. I also have no time to devote to any hobby, my day goes like this: wake up 6.30am, kids wake up 7am, breakfast, chasing them to get ready, I do the drop offs at 8.40, go to work, work all day, no breaks, back at home by 6.30 pm, kids' time until they go to bed at 8-8.30pm, then I do light chores, cooking for the next day, or I am so shattered I veg out for a couple hours until I go to bed. I feel exhausted all the time, I did bloodwork and all is normal so I am not sure why I am in such a state. i want to work out, I am so overweight after my pregnancies but I am so exhausted, I try to walk every day but it's not turning the dial.

I feel like I am missing passion from my life, as in to be passionate about something. I have stories in my head that I would like to write about, but I get no time to devote to that. I want to get my body in good shape but I feel so deflated, ugly and old. I just don't know how to move forward or where to go next. I sometimes scare myself that I might go off the rails and go become a groupie or something because I need some craziness and spontaneity in my life, and I feel very limited by the fact that I am now "normal" ie have a life and a home and kids.

Is this midlife crisis? What is this brain fog and how can I make it go away? Why am I tired all the time and I am not enjoying anything? How can I get out of survival mode while I am still young(ish) to do some crazy things? I feel I am so needed (by my family and kids) but not desired.. Does this make sense? I am so lost, I sometimes have these thoughts that I hate my house-wife type life and I thought I would be more in my life.

You don't know who's Prime Minister? Seriously?

I think you are too young for a midlife crisis but you could well be depressed. Have you considered ADs and/or therapy to lift your mood?

I had therapy in the past, helped a bit. I can't afford it anymore but I am on the NHS waiting list, about 6-8 months out. I am scared that medication will make me gain even more weight, but might discuss it with my GP again. Thanks x

Hey OP. Really sorry to hear what's been going on and how you are feeling. This is my advice for what it's worth...I don't have children either so I can't really understand BUT I worked in a role helping people for a long time and this is what I reckon.

You've got lost in the kids, that's it basically. I'm sure other mums will be along to say similar. It must be so hard, and you are doing so well. The children get up, get fed and go to learn while you bring the bacon in and then you get home and do all that too.

But they must be growing up now? Is that where the key lies?

I would help women with the most god awful problems and very little wiggle room in terms of help, money or time. BUT we had to find a way out, end of story. So I came up with the concept of wriggling as much as you can within the tiny wriggle room you have.

For you off the top of my head maybe -

1. Watch your language about yourself. You are not too old, too this or too that. Speak positively about yourself and use language to row your boat down the stream.

2. I used to recommend positive affirmations reflecting the stage you are at - 'I am looking at ways of making changes.' 'I am starting new things.' 'I am coming back to myself.' Write them down, stick them up and when you catch sight of them, use them to propel change. I found that seeing the words 'I am making changes' made me think, 'well am I? What have I changed today?' If I hadn't changed anything, I might be moved to go and do something different. Time passes and the affirmations change.

3. Where can you free up time? Can your children suddenly have a tick box of daily chores that mean you aren't doing anything? Can they have 50p per task? Can they serve their own breakfast and put the dish away while you do a ten minute yoga on the floor? Can you set timed alarms where everyone has to have eaten, then all have their teeth cleaned, then shoes and coats on etc?

4. When I was trying to heal from child abuse and had a lot of problems, I started loads of changes by making myself a daily spreadsheet with days of the week going down and tasks I wanted to incorporate going across, like drinking two bottles of water. I would tick them off at the end of the day. Can you use that idea for your children, to free your time? And for yourself?

5. Can you arrange a mutual babysitting evening with a lady you respect and then get an evening class in or a night at the local open mic or comedy night or whatever? Or even to just sit in the car by yourself and breathe? I wouldn't underestimate the need to just sit down alone and let your mind come to peace after such a long period of hard graft.

6. For your headspace - I would recommend starting a journal where you can offload thoughts and free up your head. (This is again about having the time though isn't it.) There is nothing like journalling. Also it has seemed to me that no other person was ever able to solve my dilemma for me, it always had to be me, so I needed to get right into them and see what the problems actually were. Having time to write it all out and work it out helped.

It honestly does sound to me as though you have done such a good job of being a working mum that you have lost yourself, but you are never far. It also strikes me yet again that women's changing life stages changes for a reason - it is not appropriate that you care take everyone ad infinitum, at the expense of your mental health, and therefore women GET these chronically pissed off stages where they throw off all the chains - it needs to happen, for all parties. Your children can do more, and you can do less, and you can return to yourself. We are never the same, ever, and we never go back, but you can go forward xxxx

Your reply had me in tears, thank you SO MUCH for this lens shift. You are such a wonderful person helping a stranger like this. Thank you, this is immensely helpful to me.

Delighted to hear it xxx hugs

Does your husband do his fair share?

Yes, what does your husband's day look like compared to yours? What do the weekends look like?

You must build in some time for yourself. This is where your partner comes in. Let's say you find an exercise class at 6.30 on a Tuesday and a book club once a month on a Friday evening. Book those things in, every week, go without fail. Just starting to make that space will be the first step towards creating a better sense of self. I felt like you but at 45, so a little older and as a result of covid restrictions and the start if peri meno. You may also be at the start of peri meno which can cause feelings of flatness and not feeling like yourself. Read up on that too.

the weekends are insane, no rest at all. we are out as much as we can to keep the kids entertained and get them tired. I don't get a minute's peace, they are still too young to go to clubs on their own so we are constantly with them. I do get very overstimulated and overtouched by end of the weekend. My husband has his own business and is the main breadwinner so he works a lot, long days and then works on his phone constantly with different time zones. On the weekends he is the same as me, constantly keeping up with the crazy energy of my kids. He doesn't do anything house-related, we pay for a cleaner but I do all the laundry and cooking/shopping, general life admin, anything kids-related, appointments etc. He will do things if I ask him to but he is so busy with work he isn't consistent so I can't rely on him regularly. He does do bath and bedtime on the weekends, I do bedtime on weekdays. He has now taken on to do homework and reading practice with the kids daily.

He could be doing more to be honest, but I think we are both overworked and trying to survive, and because we need his salary he does need to keep his business afloat, which means I take on more than I would like to be doing. Neither of us get any "me" time or have any hobbies or anything outside of home life and work. We only now just started paying for a sitter to come once a month so we can have a date night, we didn't have much to talk about tbh which felt like a big disconnect.

Fabulous post and advice!

You honestly sound like you've got 'burn-out', OP.

Why such hectic weekends if they don't have to be? Do you feel that they should be like that? Because they don't.

And maybe you need to carve out some space for yourself, and for your family to learn to relax together in the same room/house, doing different things or watching a film or playing cards etc. without the phones and tablets.

I feel like my life is boring tbh..