Health anxiety hell

[worried123446]

Hi

i am really struggling at the moment I have had health anxiety ever since I can remember and I am 34 now

I have gone through extreme periods where it has taken over my life I'm talking signed off sick for months and severely depressed and periods where it doesn't bother me and I get on with my life but it always rears its ugly head

my health anxiety is 90 percent focused on sexual health conditions and also severe mental health conditions.. my previous therapist said it seems that it's things that are stigmatised that I seem to worry about

at the moment and for a long time it has been focused on genital warts .. I am ashamed to say that I check my vagina on a regular basis multiple times a day and i notice every single lump and bump even normal bits of skin .. I have been to the clinic on several occasions and also paid to see people and they have all told me it's either a spot/normal skin etc

it's got so bad that i will pick at normal skin or spots to see if its something and I've ended up with marks/hyperpigmentation on my vagina from these spots and I seem to not be able to stop

I feel very embarrassed and ashamed writing this post and don't want to offend anyone who may actually have been diagnosed with warts as I know logically there are so many worse things in life to have

I've also convinced myself I have HIV several times along with many other things , it's not always been sexual health related but it seems to be as of lately

This is taking over my life and I am considering private therapy as the NHS ones have not helped me and I've had it numerous times

not sure what i expect from this post but just need to vent !

What triggers the extreme periods and what brings you out of them?

What was the first thing you remember ever being worried about and what were the circumstances?

Have you considered the possibility you may have OCD? I used to horrendously pick and squeeze my face, from being a teenager to being in my 20’s. I know now that I had untreated OCD all that time.

Also - I don’t mean to be rude - but are you having sex with new partner(s) ? Is that why you are worrying? If you’re not then the chances of you contracting anything are extremely slim!

I think you have OCD
Obsessional thoughts of shame and checking compulsions
The treatment would be a high dose SSRI plus CBT with ERP
Maybe it never worked before because it was the wrong diagnosis and therefore treatment plan.

I wouldn't go on meds I've tried them before and they made me feel so much worse

health anxiety is often overlapping with OCD so yeah possible that I have elements of that as well which has been mentioned by previous therapists

No I don't have sex with new people/ have alot of partners I have one regular sexual partner and I have only slept with him for over a year , even when I've been in long term rships I've still had the health anxiety around sexual health

the reason I know it isn't just OCD is because it isn't always sexual health .. other things I've worried about and what started this was chest pains / worrying about a heart attack and that's the first ever episode which happened when I was young

and as for what my triggers are could be anything like notice a spot from shaving/ingrown hair and keep checking it thinking it's something else .. the anxiety usually goes either when I've been to the clinic or the spot goes on its own

I've been there and know how horrible it is. I'm not sure how I "got better" but I have. I think it had transferred to worrying about my child's health and then I realised "ok, say he does have some untreatable disease. Would I really want to waste the time we have together, worrying?"
With the sexual health worries, I researched things so much that I was at a point of acceptance that I would be ok with whatever infection it was I was worried about.
The thing that doesn't work is googling for reassurance or repeated testing, as both of these actually increase your anxiety.

worrying about a heart attack and that's the first ever episode which happened when I was young

Who in your family worried about health? Or was there someone significant who had a heart attack?

It can take a while to find the right medication at the right dose and you often don’t feel better immediately. But they really can work. I’ve had CBT and take fluoxetine. Been life changing for me.

Meds will make you feel worse for about 2 weeks and then the benefits kick in. It's worth pushing through the bad bit for the ultimate benefits. Therapy plus meds works the best for any anxiety disorder.

@Treesinthewind reassuring to hear that someone also knows how I feel but sorry you have been through it as it's truely awful.. I've had long periods of time when I've been fine and I mean years and then it just comes back again atm its flaring up badly .. I don't have children yet but I worry that when I do it will transfer to me worrying about them. With the warts thing what's crazy is I've actually had the vaccine although I know it isn't 100 percent it is very close to it. Google is my worst enemy and I know that the days I don't symptom check I feel so much better.

@Eyesopenwideawake nobody in my family had this or has been ill when i was young this was explored with my therapist they aren't sure where this has come from in me but i can remeber it being there from a very young age, but as i said on and off so can go years feeling fine.

meds may help some people but they are not for me and not something I am willing to try again but understand they really help some people

I’ve been there OP, weirdly with both the worry about STDs and the chest pain. I’m pretty sure in my case the latter was anxiety induced. The former was connected to residual anxiety and fear that an ex had cheated on me. I’ve since been diagnosed with OCD (by a therapist I saw in connection with- yes!- obsessive thoughts about my daughter’s mental health.) I’ve never taken medication and am generally in a better place now but I really sympathise and would encourage you to try every avenue as feeling free of it is so worthwhile.

PS if you’re not going to try any more meds the only suggestions I have are things that I’ve found have worked for me: talking about it/opening up to well-chosen friends and/or therapists; exercise; ensuring you get enough sleep; not drinking too much

I really don't know enough about how to help someone suffering like this.

Just checking - have you had a full sexual health screen? HIV tests included. Wondering if this would in any way alleviate any of the anxiety.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way it sounds incredibly tough. Health anxiety can be overwhelming, especially when it takes over your thoughts and daily life. It’s great that you're recognizing the need for help and considering private therapy, as finding the right support is so important. You're not alone in this, and many people with health anxiety experience similar struggles. It’s okay to seek help, and even though it’s hard, acknowledging what you're going through is a big step. Be kind to yourself, and know that with the right support, things can get better.

@Tittat50 I've had numerous tests tor everything and paid privately for tests they feed the anxiety cycle and it's a checking behaviour and not recommended for people to do that with health anxiety

@NewUser1111 sorry that you also go through this.. but glad your in a better place. Mine is weird as I was totally fine for the last 6 months and then it just starts up again that's why I'm not considering meds because it does go away so I think therapy is probably better I just need to find a good private therapist as the NHS one doesn't help and the waiting list is so long

@Lishi1212 thanks for your kind words ☺️

The checking is ocd op, been there myself and you have my sympathies

I can relate to that. I have a very similar condition. But it is related to my family.