How do you actually "talk about it"?

[MamaAndTheSofa]

I've had depression (mostly fairly severe, although sometimes it gets a bit better for a while) and anxiety (varies from mild to severe) for about 20 years. I'm also on the ASD spectrum so struggle a bit with social conventions.

I've always found it really difficult to talk to anyone about my mental health issues, because as soon as I try, they always seem to say things like "Just try to cheer up" or "Hope you feel better soon" before changing the subject. I try not to go on about being depressed; I genuinely don't think it's something I never shut up about, but if a friend asks how I am in a way that makes me think they actually want to know, I'll say something like "To be honest, I've been feeling a bit down", but if they don't ask anything more then I don't go on about it.

So, I guess I've never really had the chance to actually "talk about it". However, a good friend has come back into my life after living away for a number of years, and we spoke on the phone recently, and when I said I was feeling a bit down she said "Hey, do you fancy getting a coffee some time and we can have a chat about things?".

So we're having coffee in a few weeks' time, and I've realised I have literally no idea how to "have a chat about it"! Like, where do I start?! I should say, she has a little bit of experience of being a counsellor many years ago, but obviously it's not a therapy session and I don't want to just "dump" on her.

Any advice?

I think you get this but just to reinforce what you've said in your OP - your friend who you haven't seen for some time saying

"Hey, do you fancy getting a coffee some time and we can have a chat about things?"

may not be an invitation to give significant information about your state of mind.

my advice is for you to identify a professional therapist through your GP so you can talk in detail about your MH, so you can avoid full disclosure to people who, as you've described in your OP, can't cope with MH issues.

unfortunately with MH it's "all or nothing", it's very difficult to walk that fine line, so you're better off keeping things light and general when you meet your friend.

Even if she is willing to let you give more details, Id caution against going into full blown disclosure mode too soon, as you may find she runs for the hills (because, quite frankly, that's what people do), and that would make you feel even worse if you're currently fragile.

I wouldn't be going deep with any friends or family particularly one I hadn't seen for years. This needs to happen at a proper therapy session where you can do the work to improve your MH and find solutions and coping strategies and with the GP for medication.

If someone had said the same to me It might be ok to have a short rant about one particular small stress from work or whatever that the might be able to suggest a solution to and then swiftly move on to her and the rest of whatever we were going to chat about. It won't help build relationships with people, it's hard to be around people who are always pessimistic and down.

I agree with the other posters. It isn’t really appropriate to talk about your MH with casual friends and acquaintances and you would be better to look for a qualified therapist.

I chat with friends about it. I’m well now but had a serious episode a few years ago. Took antidepressants for 4 yrs before being confident enough to come off them but I have massive respect and fear of it. And also understanding. OP, certain people will not understand and will give you the ‘cheer up’ comments. Just feel glad they are ignorant of it. Some others will get it and be ok with trying to share their experience and shoulder to lean on.

You’ll know very fast which one of those your friend is but don’t be disappointed if she’s the former.

Thanks everyone, this probably all seems really obvious to most people, but it's really helpful for me!

I guess I've had a lot of people tell me "you never open up", but when I do try to open up they just offer what feel like platitudes. I don't want my friend to feel like I'm not wanting to tell her stuff or I'm holding back, but I also don't want to just dump a load of stuff on her!

I've had therapy a few times in the past, with varied success, but I don't feel like I'm at a point where I would benefit from any more. I just kind of want to be able to say "this is what's stressing me out, this is what I'm currently worried about" and have someone who'll listen to that. I don't really need them to give me advice, just to listen, but I don't want to bore them to death either!

@MamaAndTheSofa "I guess I've had a lot of people tell me "you never open up","

sadly a lot of people say this because they think depression is something they know about from social media. They say it as a platitude in itself.

they have no idea it means anything more than a shallow "tell me what bugged you today".

I think all this fake "talk about depression" is really damaging. I'd just focus on having a lighter experience with your friend.

I totally understand this. I don't think friendships are for talking about mental health. I think this is for a parent, partner or health professional.

And yeah, I don't know how to talk about it either. Where do you start?

Are you medicated for it? Have you ever had counselling? Have you been able to identify the cause?

It can be really hard to open up and you should only really do it with someone you trust, who is also able to remain non judgemental and objective. Family and friends are not usually suitable. Counselling might help you to at least get started on the road to discovery. It does sound like you are ready to take action. It is a worthwhile endeavour, but you have to work at it. Have a look through the BACP website to start with. https://www.bacp.co.uk/

People don't really want you to talk to them. They want to think that they are there for their friends but without actually having to do it.

They like to post shit on social media about how any of their friends can reach out to them anytime and receive a bunch of likes and people saying how lovely they are but they don't really want to be taken up on the offer.