The 'what ifs'

[anxietythroughtheroof]

This is health specific for me. I'm not one to worry about 'what if I left the oven on' or 'what if I embarrass myself' etc.

However anxiety around health is exhausting me.

Today's example (and what prompted me to make this post) my partner told me that someone he knows is ill with D&V. And immediately my brain starts worrying about my children getting something like this at school this week and missing a big event we have book for next weekend. There is no correlation. This person does not have children in the school. It just put the idea in my head and now I can't stop thinking about it!

I know I can't just switch this off, but any tips for dealing with it better gratefully received

There are lots of therapies and tips in dealing with anxiety (I work with it myself!). One I find useful is the 'so what?' option. Rather than spinning out a long and involved fantasy in your mind around the big event - which obviously means a lot to you, that's why you are subconsciously trying to see around corners for problems which may affect it - just shrug and saw 'so what?'.

If your children (or you/your husband) get sick you'll cope, just as you always have. If you miss the big event that will be a shame but the world will keep spinning. Take the pressure off worrying about things you have no control over.

I am trying I really am. Most of the time it's ok, if I'm busy and distracted then I'm alright.

The thing I really struggle to understand is that other people presumably don't worry like this? The fear of missing out due to currently made up scenarios - I wish my brain worked like that!

The quickest of glances though threads on MN (on any subject) will reassure you that people who DON'T worry are very, very much in the minority. And probably only don't worry because they don't understand the question!

Have a look at this Ted X on anxiety

That is a really interesting watch. Some very good points made. Thank you for sharing.
I think covid has played a big part in the way I react to anxiety. Most of mine is centred around health, but more in terms of 'if we get ill we'll miss x y z' and I was definitely not like this before covid and isolating happened.

I'm going to give it a try listening to my 'crew' even if their reaction is possibly a mistake at this point in time, maybe I can quieten them a bit if I stop trying to dismiss them

Your 'crew' won't always get it right. The captain's role is to listen, acknowledge and then decide if the fear/concern is valid or can be safely dismissed.

Think of it this way;

When a mother struggles to get her child to go to sleep because the child says there’s a monster under the bed, does the mother quickly grab the child and rush out of the house calling the police to deal with the monster? Of course not!

That’s because the mother knows there isn’t a monster and that those fears are the fears of a child. Whilst we can easily understand why the child has those fears, we recognise they aren’t necessary.

By the same token, there will be times when our mind brings forward fears about something that we know is not warranted or justified. It’s okay that this crew member has those fears, but it’s important the captain knows which fears are appropriate and which are not. Treat the part of the mind telling us these scary things like the naive and vulnerable child who doesn’t know one way or another, and just fears these thoughts might be true. The captain needs to be neither frightened nor angered by these thoughts as they know they are not true.

HTH!!

It does help, I think it'll take some time to change my response, but this does make sense.

I do struggle to apply it as well to my current situation though. The worry is not something I can say 100% that I don't need to be concerned about. It definitely could happen. I guess as captain i need to be saying 'well yes, that could happen but if it does we will cope and you don't need to be as frightened by it as the crew are'
It's really hard through isn't it?!

It does get easier!! This is your key quote that could happen but if it does we will cope because that's what we all do, day in, day out with stuff we expect to happen and stuff that just plops on to our laps when least expected!

If you have time read the lyrics of the Sunscreen Song - pure therapy :)

Just watched it again. Anxiety spiked today. Event is two days away.
I had been doing really well for the last few days but tonight something happened to increase chances of something going wrong and the crew are going crazy!
'It is not the end of the world if we miss this event. It will be really sad for the children, but they will get over it and will have plenty of other things to look forward to' and repeat!

On thing I’ve learned about myself is there is a difference between anxiety and just thinking about things. And just because you think about things doesn’t necessarily make it anxiety. And thinking it is, Some people just think about stuff more.
And it is perfectly rational and human to want to not miss something exciting and be sad to let your kids down. Obviously it’s not the end of the World but it can also be very frustrating if someone else hasn’t taken precautions and then gets you sick.

I think sometimes what is worse is wondering what is wrong with you. “Normal people don’t think like this” when they either do or just don’t think….lol…which evolutionary…isn’t great for our species.

Completely natural for the crew to be shouting at you - this is a big deal and this "something" has set them off. When you get the chance sit down somewhere quiet, take some deep breaths and tell your crew you hear them - they don't need to shriek, you are doing your best and their best is to quietly support you and keep calm.

It can really help to create mental images of you as the captain/parent/boss figure and your emotions as crew/children/employees who just need you to acknowledge them and reassure them that you are in control.

Good luck and let us know how it goes! 😁

@Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic yes that's true. I have always been an over thinker. I can't switch that off. Basically
Someone brought their child to my son's club after they had been off sick yesterday due to vomiting on Wednesday. The club was post 48 hours, but I just wouldn't have taken mine after they'd been off school and it feels like an unnecessary risk. I guess mostly I am just thinking, but I definitely woke up more last night feeling panicked that I'd been woken by an unwell child... which must been down to anxiety.

@Eyesopenwideawake I'm not sure you have any idea how much you're helping me. This captain/crew analogy does really help. But also just chatting to someone who understands. My husband is either a psychopath or dead as he doesn't worry about anything (not outwardly anyway) so it's hard to speak to him. He does listen, but I know he doesn't really get it!

1 of my children has told me about 30 times this afternoon how excited they are for tomorrow. Please please let them be okay and have a wonderful time!

i don’t think it helps the OP to suggest people who say they don’t worry don’t understand ‘the question’ (not quite sure what you mean by that but I’m quite sure there are people I know who don’t worry and they are not deficient in understanding). I worry MUCH less than my mum but my DP worries less than me. The risk of anything bad actually happening to any of us (or our respective loved ones) doesn’t change whether we worry or not.

Exactly this. I’ve always been an anxious person but over the past year or two I’ve managed to train my mindset to be more of the “so what?” One. Whatever will happen will happen so why ruin my own time worrying about it? If there are reasonable steps I can take to prevent it, great. If not, it’s not worth worrying about. It has taken a LONG time to get here but it’s a nice place to be.

That sounds like a really big achievement! Well done 👏

I think the Ted x is saying exactly that. Thre worries aren't bad or wrong but we need to take control and not let them take over when perhaps they don't need to.

A bear is chasing me? Absolutely needs to be worried about, use that adrenaline, get away. The children might get ill and miss out of tomorrow's exciting day, then 'so what?' Yes it would be sad, but I don't need high levels of stress to deal with it and get away.

That doesn't mean I'm not worrying, I am. Because I don't want them to be sad. I love them, of course I don't. But I need to be in a place where I can just say 'so what' and put it to the back of my mind and carry on with life

How I try to see things is that, yes, something bad might happen. But that's true whether I worry about it or not. Worrying isn't going to make it less likely to happen. E.g. if I lock my bike up in town it might get stolen. But if I worry every time I lock it up, and after 100 times it gets stolen, I've had 100 days of worrying and a stolen bike. If I don't worry, and my bike still gets stolen, I just have a stolen bike.

I know it's easier said than done though.

Oh yes I completely get that @oatmy - that is what I want to be able to do. Hear the worry but then rationalise it that you know yes it could happen, but it's something we can cope with if it does and then stop thinking about it... but I haven't managed to find an off switch yet.

@anxietythroughtheroof - Have an amazing time tomorrow!!! 😁

We made it to the event. Thank you for all the help. I will no doubt come back to this at some point and re read to help me through something else!

I find it useful to write it down. Write honestly how you feel about it and see if you know why ie if it reminds you of another issue or makes you think x might happen. Then write if there's anything you can do about it.

Then leave it. Read it later and add or change anything.

Here I am re reading this threat as predicted!

My DSs birthday party this weekend and the class are dropping like flies with various illnesses!

I'm not sure I'll ever stop thinking this way, but this thread help me last time so hopefully it will again!

i hope the party is brilliant, regardless of the number who make it! i still remember my 7th bday with only 2 friends (and without the 6 who had chickenpox)

i ve watched the video - and something in it bother me - possibly the notion that the crew is there to help, when mine just spouts nonsense, mostly.

I'm more worried that DS will be unwell!

I like the notion of the crew doing their best but maybe being misguided

Would the phrase "shit happens" be of any use in this instance?

Yes, it's a shame the party might not be what you expected and yes, your DS might get sick but....well, see above! Building resilience in you, and your son, to deal with life's disappointments is all part of adulting (sadly!).

In terms of your crew (and yours @RelocatingtoFrance ) they are not 'intelligent' in the way your captain is - they are formed in childhood and remain childlike; things are good or bad, or right or wrong rather than nuanced.

Imagine you were up to your knees in mud. The conscious mind sees the dry ground just a few paces away and recognises the value of making the effort to wade through the mud to free yourself. The crew is simply looking down at your feet perceiving only two options: stay here or wade through mud and, of the two, staying there seems the least effort and is therefore the the preference.