I’ll preface this by saying- I’m not sure that I’m looking for advice, because frankly, there is no alternative. More just a place to say how I feel… name changed for this.
Im almost 40. I’m a single mum of one DS
and have been pretty much since he was born. I have a highly presssurized but ultimately middle grade job. What I do isn’t remotely life or death, but my decisions have big impacts on others financially, and this gives me enormous anxiety. I work full time, 80% remotely. I work after hours a lot to keep all the plates spinning, but I’m well paid so don’t really begrudge this - though most of it is going on paying off debt accrued when I split with my ex. I have about another 9 months and then I’ll be debt free, and dream of quitting my well paid job, for something lower paid and less stressful. But once the debt is out of the way, I need to start ploughing money into a uni fund for DS, so it’ll just be onto the next thing, financially- so realistically, I’m stuck.
My ex is a decent enough dad in his way, but only has DS after school 2x per week for 3 hours, and every other Saturday. I’ve just started asking - begging- for the EOS to be an overnight. Not because I don’t want DS, but because I’m flagging, massively and I need time to get on top of housework, admin etc. He doesn’t contribute financially as he has had to retire early after an industrial accident. I do
100% of all life admin for our son. I have tried to get ex to do more, but he won’t, and I won’t let my son lose out by letting things go wrong - so again, that just is what it is.
I need to say here- I adore my kid. The sun rises and sets with him. He’s good kid, so so so smart, and he’s so much fun, and I begrudge nothing, nothing about being his mother. In fact, he’s pretty much what I live for. That’s unhealthy, I know. I’ve had enough therapy to see that I need to address this.
My health is shot to shit. I’ve got some weird skin thing going on, my iron is through the floor and just had some blood results back that say my liver and kidney function- always fine- are now borderline abnormal. I’m convinced I’m dying. But I don’t actually have time to die, so even if i am, I can’t. I was supposed to see the GP for follow up today, but they cancelled due to doctor illness. Its another 2 weeks before they can see me. I’m overweight because I don’t sleep enough, because I don’t eat properly all day, then binge eat crisps from 7-10. I’m too tired to exercise. I can’t seem to prioritize my own nutrition. Which is insane. I used to run half marathons and go to a dance or yoga class 5 days a week.
And I am so so so so tired. And so anxious. I’ve been tired for years now, and I’m trapped in this life that I can’t change. I can’t change jobs because I’m the only breadwinner, and need the amount I earn for us to survive (thanks cost of living!), and I can’t make it in any other industry. I can’t make more hours in the day, or make DS’s dad be better. I can’t seem to get out of this rut.
I should also say, I rent, don’t own, and our lives are so finely balanced in order to work, that if I pull out one “thread” everything will unravel. (I keep trying to find a way to articulate this succinctly but I can’t - sorry- but if I change one thing (work, income, home) the whole house of cards comes tumbling down).
I know, at some point, things will get better. But I’m just so tired, I’m struggling to see it tonight.
thank you, if you read this. I don’t know what I want, except to say…. I’m fucking tired.