Just posting for relief really
No idea if anyone is out there.
I've been feeling unhappy in my relationship for many years
Stuck in there due to kids and commitments
Distracted myself
Some fights made it come to a head the last 2 weeks
We've both made mistakes
My partner is a good person but chronically emotionally unavailable, chronically anxious about work, chronically preoccupied. When home, tired.
I need eye contact, lots of hugs, listening. I am needy. I think I am a pain in the backside to him. I listen to podcasts and take care of myself A LOT. But I feel lost not getting what I need from a partner.
Loving gestures are sometimes there but sporadic. Listening skills are mostly terrible part of his overall lack of emotional availability..He has shut me down so many times I've lost count. He can't listen to any negative emotions from me without being triggered into anger which triggers me into deep sadness. He would say I'm equally to blame.
His parents are the same way and I just realised we are acting out their relationship. My parents were happy and in love despite the odd clashes.
We have a 3rd appointment with a counsellor tomorrow lunch.
I am not sure he wants to continue as there is a history of infidelity from me. I'm not proud of it but it happened. I didn't know how to tell him I needed more attention. Someone to listen. It's many years back now but we're not recovered. He will insist he wants to continue in the relationship but then tells me he cannot trust me again.
I get why he can't. But there is something more for me. I realised today that he didn't actually trust me before either, because he shut me down many times during many years before I sought relief elsewhere. I realise now that due to childhood trauma he's never truly opened up to another person. I never hear him express a single emotion in words as in "I feel sad/angry/frustrated/etc". Just 'Ive got bellyache' . He never shares his thoughts about the infidelity. He only complains about work. I listen and mirror him. I'm sick of being the only one listening.
I've heard him say sorry to me once ever, a few days ago, for the emotional neglect over years. I've said sorry hundreds of time, cried sincerely to him.
He told me I'm very open a few days ago.I've got books and podcasts galore on how to improve, I've improved tons, but he won't put in equal effort.
I took a lorazepam 1 mg that I had in the cabinet.
I can't work. I have things to do and I am not doing them
I think the relationship can't last.
I'm sitting typing in bed waiting for him to come home. He will go back to work and I will feel as unimportant as usual.
I feel shit. Wanted to drive myself to a mental hospital and looked it up on here first. Sounds like it's chaotic and wouldn't be ideal. I'm staying home with the lorazepam, posting here into the abyss.
Sad.