3 miscarriages & feeling so lost in life

[xtinabale55]

I'm feeling at a total loss in life generally, I recently had surgery to remove my 3rd pregnancy loss, they all get to 5 wks then stop! It's been a long yr but it's generally been so hard since we had our first child, she is now 5 but I had an awful birth almost 20 hrs as was left with a newly qual midwife on last shift who just didn't realise she was stuck so she was assisted out with forceps, since then round my coccyx was broken and she was an awful sleeper and her behaviour has been till the last yr very hard to deal with. We have lost most of our family on top of this since she was born and only a few left, just feels all so damn hopeless! We are good people who have worked so hard to be where we are to live some semblance of a normal life and give our daughter a decent life with some variety and travel too, we came out of a rough background but the challenges have been immense. Some family remaining have become jealous and have pulled away from us, abs not said or done a thing it's awful for our daughter who now has no cousins to play with and these losses are another huge blow for us. We worry about her future so much, I'm 39 now he is 40 so we are running out of time, it's app over 13 mths before we can even be assessed to find out why this is happening but it's been that brutal with that and our child's poor sleep we don't think we can continue, also getting older it's hard to see friends as your so busy, I've gone part time to lessen the stress and give me more time but I feel isolated now bc of it, jjsy feel like I can't win at alll some days and so fed up, miserable and lonely. Is this normal for some of us, I feel like I have such a sad life I don't enjoy my job either as it's all I can get to fit around school I relaly want to do something more enjoyable but the care work I love the hours don't work with school or before club as hubby's gone at 7.30 most mornings plus if I'm needed it isn't ideal if I have to pick her up, I am considering doing dog waking tho but I need to find out if I need any qualifications so people dont feel put off me doing this as I'm just anyone but I love dogs and am good with them and love walking, just someone give me some hope please I just feel like life's a lot some days and like I'm sinking, i am very grateful I don't have a major health issue yet and I'm still here for my 5 yr old but somedays it's all such a worry!

HI love
I'm here I'm listening

I understand that feeling of running out of time
That second baby is your dream

Have you tried David Burns books or the Feeling Good podcast
When I listen it usually helps
It's free

You're doing good
One minute at a time

Hi @AnxiousFacingDivorce

Thank you so much for the reply I really appreciate that so much, my circumstances surrounding this were never favourable from the start, I'm frustrated that I wasn't informed intially by health professionals that the after finishing the depo it could take up up to 2 yrs to get pregnant it was 18 mths after I finally became pregnant I abs would have came off it much sooner had I known this, it's just unbelievable fbe whole situation tbh. I came from a very poor background and we spent bear part of about 8 yrs just getting to a point of feeling financially secure to begin our family journey, we bought a house at 22 when we'd saved up a deposit with no help to but found the next 8-9 yrs very hard trying to keep ok top of the bills in what was a shoe box of a home on crappy wages and my husband working shifts and doing a degree part time, I'd graduated also but struggled to find decent work, hindsight wish I'd just gone to work sooner so we'd have had more money to move earlier but we started trying to conceive when I was 32 but didn't have her until I was 34 but at this point I was almost 35 so it took in total 3 yrs almost to have her, then spent 3 yrs best part of battling sleep issues and a lot of time off work due to her being unwell, just can't belive it all tbh feel a bit in shock about it as jjsy so worried about her being lonely after we're gone and worth a lot about anything happening to either of us.

I haven't tried those no, I think I need to find something so I'll have to see what is out there

Xxx

Hi there,
Wow you have really been through the wringer.

I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get good info from the doctors you trusted on depo.

You sound like you've been drowning in trying to survive financially for years and that has led to you delaying conception gor your first. Life seems to slip out of our grasp while we're busy surviving.

Please don't beat yourself up. You made choices at the time that you were felt were the best to give your future family security. That totally makes sense. You did what made sense for you. You're a conscientious person who wanted the best security for your family and you've battled hard to come out of a financially difficult background. Give yourself a break from regret and guilt.

I totally understand the desire for a sibling. Its a deep seated thing!

I really hope it can still happen for you. But if it doesn't, and that may be out of your control, it might be worth conforting yourself that there are LOTS of people (more and more these days) like your daughter. My cousin, who grew up as an only child was very closely bonded to her parents. She has had great relationships as an adult not just with parents but with friends and her partner. She works hard to make connections and it makes her a better person. It's definitely not all bad!

Xxx

Enjoy the child you have. You may or may not have another at your age, but you don't want to look back with regret that you wasted the opportunity to make the most of the child you do have. And they won't be little forever and there's always care work available when you are in a position to work job school hours.

@AnxiousFacingDivorce

We were battling a lot yes and sadly had abs no help from either of our parents which tbh probably was the big reed flag in all of this we both just somehow totally missed in the heat of trying to secure ourselves to start our own family which I feel huge amount of guilt for bc I feel due to the awful people surrounding us we wanted so badly our own lovely family to do things differently to how we were raised but we failed to see in our selfishness for that how hard it would be raising a family and even starting a family without decent support, we just wanted a family like many other people do but it is so hard without a network of support, it's been immense the challenges we've both endured to get where we are and the challenges have kept coming, it has just felt very unfair at times. Trying to be positive though I am very proud of what we have been through and managed to survive totally on our own, what we have for our daughter when she's older, the life she may get to live that we didn't that may change the course of our family for the better from her generation onward, I think I am trying to fix a wider feeling of lack of family with providing her with an extra sibling but that isn't going to fix that problem but it may also add to our problem, perhaps we're just meant to live this life with one so she can live a bigger family life and start sooner as it should be and for that I hope so much happens if that's what she wants and I'll feel a lot of gratitude and contentedness in seeing her have that, I'd be ashamed if I were our parents for how little they did or cared for us both, they didn't give a toss about us or our future at all, neither of us are like that and are just doing the best we can bc we care for her and her future. Some days it just feels all so raw and unfair and you just sit here thinking how did I get so unlucky with the hands we were dealt with the people we were born to as I've realised it really does have ripple affects on the whole rest of your life. It's exhausting to, we never stop either of us it's like a relay race and we only have 1 I've come to realise I don't honestly know how we'd have done it with another esp reaching 40 now as we're already knackered and running out of steam, the idea of another birth also scared the abs shit out of me tbh! I just need to focus now on our health and being here as long as possible. Thank you so much for replying I really appreciate your time xxx

@RedHelenB Yes, absolutely, we just have to make the most of the one we have now and do the best we can for her, in a way I'm relieved as I was so scared of something happening to me if we had anktjer or my health being badly affected as atm there is no option for me not to be physically fit as we never stop atm, it's jjsy exhausting at times, we do everything as don't have an ounce of support with anything it's immense but we are just about keeping our heads above water, another I honestly do think may have drowned us all, we don't have age on our side and we are so tired now with still
Quite a long way to go as she's only 5.5, my goal will be improving the health I still have that I'm very grateful for and making the abs most of the one child I am a so very very grateful to have, thank you so much for your reply xxx

I was on avery similar position 10 years ago but trying for a third child. I had a MC between my boys then three in a row and was 39. The feeling that your family is not complete can be very strong. Our solution was to go for investigation but also to draw a line in the sand that we would call it a day at 40. If you want to do this your GP can order the majority of the blood tests you’ll need (go to the miscarriage threads here to find out which) and the only thing the RMC added for us was a scan - it’s pretty unlikely there is anything structurally wrong since you carried your daughter to term. We then went to Coventry hospital implantation clinic (private but not for profit) who diagnosed high uNK cells and I had my daughter first time on their treatment plan. She’s now 10 and I’m nearly 50 and will be 60 before she’s through university etc - it’s worth thinking about the implications of being an older mum later in life - I’m perimenopausal and knackered with a pre-teen! I’d do it all over again and I’m so grateful we were successful in our ‘one last try’ but don’t underestimate the huge strain it puts on you emotionally. Your daughter will be fine either way, loved as an only or with a sibling. Put some energy into making friends as she starts school and you will both be less isolated.
Look into the dog walking thing a bit more - you don’t need qualifications but a canine first aid course would be useful, you definitely need insurance. How many are there already in your area? Are any of them looking to employ someone so you can test the waters?

@Miloarmadillo2 so sorry for the late reply, it's been hectic with Xmas coming up then we all got a bad stomach virus and our daughters gone back to not sleeping again, but it's so hard isn't it, I wish I felt I could've started younger than 31 when I did, I didn't get pregnant until late at almost 34 as the depo took that long to wear bloody off so annoying, i hoped we'd have had our first at 31/32 latest and we'd have had another by 35/36 but I was 34.5 when I had her and the next 3.5 yrs were hell as she's always been a terrible sleeper and difficult in nature, I feel maybe it's just our path but it's so hard to know what to do now we've had 3 in a row as I can't shake the feeling that perhaps it's just not meant to be, I feel so tired also after such sad losses and she's also back to not sleeping again unbelievably it's like it's just life's way of saying this is it, I have a lot to think about but you're right the idea of being parenting in to later life does sound quite the challenge too, I had expected this but to feel as tired as I do after this ordeal doesn't seem good and maybe this is just it now I have a lot to think about...thank you so much for coming back to me, it can feel so incredible lonely as I don't know anyone whose been through this and it is so depressing xxx