How to stop yourself thinking death is the only escape.

[Therehastobesomegoodnews]

I've been terrified of death most of my life - I've thought about death on almost a daily basis since pre teen years. And been in a blind panic about the thought of nothingness since then.

Now I'm older and all I can think of is death as the only solution. But I'm still frightened of the nothingness of death and I can't bear the thought of the effect my killing myself would have on my son.

I currently attend sessions with a clinical physcologist. But I could never open up to her about my feelings that death is the only answer.

Do people really open up about feelings about suicide to therapists? And if they do can the therapist help ? Because my feeling is, as always, it's down to me and no one else can really help.

Hi,

Sorry I am not much help at all but could not scroll past and not say anything. I'm really sorry you feel that way. Although I've never seen a therapist myself, I do believe that the best way to get as much help as possible from people in those professions is to be as transparent as possible with them, and in turn they will be able to help to the best of their ability. Big hugs to you

Yes of course they open up. What you are experiencing sounds like suicidal ideation- it’s very common

If you have a professional at your disposal then please share your thoughts with them otherwise you are not making the most of your sessions

I had a session today with her and one of the subjects was masking. I did a questionnaire with her which scored me very high on masking. This wasn't a surprise to me. I am aware I mask with every one, including her.
How does one be honest about how you really feel and open up when masking is your norm? Every little thing I reveal about my true self fills me with embarrassment and anguish.

Could you be more honest about your true feelings if you wrote it all down, rather like a letter to someone you trust completely?

I think what I have written here is the most honest I have ever been. I can't see myself ever being able to be as honest with any one in real life. And even though this is an anonymous forum I feel embarrassed and ashamed of voicing how I feel.

I meant that you might find it easier to write down how you feel and hand this to your therapist or counsellor. It would save you needing to voice your innermost feelings.

I have been through stages of suicide ideation, and I think it's relatively common as a PP said. It's a kind of control, of accepting that there's an alternative. I have also known people who have taken that route and the utter devastation it's caused.

It's awful to feel like this. I'm currently in a low period where I think about suicide pretty much daily but I've had extended periods of time where I didn't. It's mostly situational, I had a job I loved, a hobby I loved, good people around me etc.

When I feel like this my therapist is the only person I feel that I can talk to and it's concerning that you can't open up to yours.

How long have you been seeing her? If it's a new thing then just persevere for a few months but if you've been seeing her a while and still not comfortable, I'd find someone else. It's a waste of money if you don't actually talk to her.

Your therapist can't change anything herself but she can help you change your life for the better.

My therapist has been the driving force for change in my life, even seeing me for almost nothing for a few months to enable those changes.

Plus it's nice to have someone who is just relentlessly on your side. I mean it can be mortifying and uncomfortable sometimes but there isn't much I wouldn't tell him.

Suicide is frequently brought up and talked about. It's not taboo and honestly nothing will ever compare to discussing masturbation, that session was in a class of it's own. I would rather talk about anything else, up to and including how I'm planning to kill myself. They won't section you unless you tell them you're going to do it now. Like today. Don't be scared to talk about it.

I really appreciate your input. I actually didn't know the term suicide ideation but have looked it up.
ATM there is no way I could tell anyone how I really feel. I have not in all my life ever told anyone how I really feel.
This is what really upsets me. I had to wait a long time for this referral to the clinical psychologist and I persevered trying to get the appointments because I saw it as my last chance. But I'm not feeling it's telling me anything I didn't already know about myself. It's not even that I can't tell her how I really feel it's that even if I did what would it change? How can I stop feeling the way I do about myself. That only death will bring relief.

I've never told anyone now i truly feel either. Not my mother, partner, sister or child.

I've kept my feelings bottled up since I was a child. I don't know why.

I can't talk to her on a meaningful level.
I can't reveal me to her.
I can't reveal me to anyone.
So really it's a waste of time isn't it?

@Therehastobesomegoodnews does talking on here help at all - the ability to be as honest as you like in anonymity, and seeing that you're not alone in thinking the way you do? If so then keep on sharing.

As I said before, suicide ideation used to be a big part of my life but, slowly and surely, it retreated. I didn't have therapy but I was able to talk to people I trusted completely.

Ooh that's so sad OP. I honestly think you could write those last three lines on a piece of paper and give it to her. She - I hope and trust - will NoT ask you to immediately tell you your "real self" stuff but will engage in trying to explore with you why you feel such a powerful level of resistance to showing your "real" self.

First you need imo to explore and find out why this resistance or barrier feels so safe for you even tho it has such a cost.

I don't think it's a waste of time otherwise if you've other issues you would be on your own.
Try and broach that one thing that's holding you back from being open with your therapist once you're past that hurdle you may find other parts of why you think like that fall into place.
I hope you work it out and learn about yourself.
It's not easy but it's doable.. good luck.

Try. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Hell, say exactly what you just said to me. That's plenty of material for several sessions work. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

When I started, I struggled. I just had one rule. I wouldn't lie. If I couldn't open up about something I said so. So we talked about why I felt I couldn't talk about it.

You went into therapy with the expectation of talking to someone. So some part of you wants to. You're just scared and losing your nerve. Fuck that. No one tells you what you can't do, least of all some little part of your own brain!

It's only a waste if you don't try.

Besides, what do you actually have to lose? She is legally barred from ever repeating a word of it and if you wanted to, you could walk away any time and never have to see her or anyone she knows ever again.

Suicide ideation is not something I have ever mentioned to my therapist, either. It was on a list of things I supposed I would never be able to speak of to anyone.

I have been working with my therapist for a couple of years and a lot of things that were once on the list are things I have now spoken about to her. Trusting herself, and myself, with anything can be slow going.

Although I have not spoken about this with my therapist I am a member of a forum for people with cptsd. We have quite a lot of discussion around things we would never tell our therapists. Telling someone has often been the start of feeling able to bring up a subject with my therapist at some later date.

I would not agree with your suggestion that you are wasting time because you currently feel unable to bring this up with your therapist.

Wishing you the best.

Firstly OP I am sorry that you feel like this.
I 'did' therapy and being completely honest with my therapist really, really helped.
I masked my own feelings at work and at home and the relief of taking that mask off for an hour was so, so good. I felt my therapist was unshockable and really supportive.
I had thought of death as the only way out for a long time. It really wasn't and I changed my situation drastically and now feel much happier.
If you feel you can't open up to current therapist, could you change your therapist to someone else?

I was suicidal after my mum passed away. I talked to a therapist, opened up and it did not help. Opening up to people never helped me. I had to be honest with myself. Work out what makes me happy and not. Focus on the happy and eliminate the bad. For me the bad were people and i still don't talk to them.

What also helped was making small plans (holidays, day trips, dinner). Just something to look forward to and make me believe there is something in the future. Holidays were definitely the best. Allowed me to think, get away and relax.

I hope things get better. Its hard to believe it but they will.

OP I really feel for you.
What struck me about your post is that you feel you feel hopeless about the prospect of opening up to your therapist.
She will probably know this.
She knows you are masking.

I wonder who in your life has made you feel that you cannot be honest & reveal your true self?

Stating what you have on this post about never feeling you have been honest is a breathtakingly brave thing to do.
Even though you don't feel like it, all the signs are positive that you want to undertake therapy meaningfully, despite your misgivings.

Therapy is not just going in and bulldozing the strategies & habits you have put in place to cope with life (even if you feel you are not coping).
It's a process.
It's ok not to feel that you can be honest yet.
It's a journey of slowly & carefully taking things apart so you can examine what is helping & what is hindering your recovery.
You decide the pace at which you uncover what you want to talk about & how.

First step you have already achieved.
You are in therapy.
You have started the work.
Don't worry too much right now about how it's working, if it's working, when it will work...
Just go to therapy.

Therapy can be extremely painful but therapy is life-changing if you commit to going on the journey.

Maybe the next step is being honest about not being honest.
Set yourself a tiny target.
This week I am going to say the following words to my therapist: I can't reveal me to anyone & I can't talk about that yet.
Then talk about something else.

Each week commit to saying one thing that is true.
Not everything.
Not the big death fear secret.
Just one thing, however tiny.
It will build slowly & so will the therapeutic relationship.
Take baby steps but keep taking those steps
I promise you, it will be worth it.