Postpartum struggles

[Foodie47]

Hi everyone, new to here!

I'm in my 30s and I have a lovely, planned 3 month old boy but I am really struggling and keen to hear others experiences.

I hoped for a vaginal birth but after 40+ hours of labour and various complications I gave birth via c section. I have now come to terms with this and believe it was definitely the safest and best option for me and my son, but I did hope for a vaginal birth and recovery feels lengthy.

After the birth, we had lots of feeding difficulties, mastitis etc (long story) which severely impacted my mental health and eventually, we switched to formula. I found this heartbreaking at the time but my mental health has since improved, my boy is thriving and I think it was the right decision.

I have a supportive, hands on partner (although we have had a lot of issues this year and are in couples therapy and trying to work through it), two sets of keen grandparents (about 2/3 hours away) and I proactively get myself to go to baby classes and see other mums. My health visitor said I probably have mild postnatal depression and has referred me to a support group which I hope will start soon.

I feel very lucky, very privileged and I know others have a much harder situation. But I am really struggling. I feel down, trapped and panicked most days - I feel like ive lost my freedom and whilst I love my son, I am not enjoying mat leave like I thought I would be. I feel like these are not uncommon feelings but other mums I know dont seem to talk about them much at all. Even if I have time off, I struggle to relax and enjoy it, because I know it will end soon and I am back to the relentless caring for a little baby which I find so exhausting, physically and emotionally. I hate the monotony and the sleep deprivation and just miss my old life. This of course makes me feel more guilty...

I see mums coping really well or just tackling the hard days in a very matter of fact way, which I cant seem to do. For me, the hard days feel very dark and I feel utterly hopeless.

I'm starting to worry I'm just not 'maternal' and maybe too selfish to be a good mum? Or is this all just a process and it will get easier?

You are doing amazingly. Look at everything you have come through and here you are, still tackling that momentous task of getting out the house. For sure this will get easier. You have a new baby (which is hard enough) but that's off the back of relationship problems, a very difficult birth experience, c section and feeding problems. There's not a mum on earth that would not struggle with this. I know you have been referred to a group (and this could be incredibly helpful) but don't feel like you can't book a GP appointment. This could well be PND.

I just also wanted to say, please read your post back. For all the really difficult stuff you have been through you are also extremely positive and very rational about the choices you didn't want but had to make. You are one hell of a strong person. But that doesn't mean you you should just tough it all out alone.

Just wanted to add (and bump) that I had a period in motherhood when I felt just like this. It was when second DS was a baby. The responsibility was suddenly overwhelming and everything was just flat. I absolutely felt that any reprieve was just spend waiting for the break to be over and get back to the monotony. It remains the toughest time I have had in motherhood. One thing I am grateful for is that it just got easier and easier. I remember thinking 2 and 4 (mine are two years apart) were THE BEST ages. And I thought that every year since. They are now 12 and 14 and I still think they are the best ages ever and I know that motherhood is the best thing I could have ever done with my life. This comes out of those dark days when I thought I was not mother material, I made a big mistake, I couldn't cope and the everything was relentless and flat. So there was light at the end of my tunnel. It is glorious and I think I am all the more grateful for it. I wish this for you and believe you will get there.

Thank you so much @SummerHouse, you have no idea how much I appreciated both of your comments. So normalising, compassionate and kind 🤎

Very normal and you have done the hardest part in a way - it's around 3 months babies start settling into a routine themselves - you'll notice they nap at set times or are very difficult at set times. It just all gets a bit more predictable.

At 3 months, the character of your baby is only just starting to emerge - you have yet to hear a hearty laugh or shreik of excitement when you pull a face or blow on the tummy.

And your hormones have yet to settle.

Honestly, with your first the learning curve is soooo steep but, as you get into your stride, it does get easier.

You're doing the right things - getting out and meeting folks. I think if you keep talking and doing what you're doing, the bond will form.

One book i'd recommend is "what to expect the first year"

That has been in print many years (always reprinted to kerp modern) and is written in a question and answer format.

I think it will help you. Each chapter lets you know what to expect that month.

Take care and the best is yet to come!