Just been diagnosed autistic...confused and scared

[GizmoIsSoFluffy]

I know I have severe social anxiety, but it turns out I'm autistic as well.
I'm scared to believe it.

Now I'm confused and upset that no matter what I try to learn how to talk to.people I'm never going to get better at it (I'm nearly 50).

Basically, I'm scared of being me and at the moment can't see the wood from the trees.

I was diagnosed as autistic 9 months ago so I understand how it can feel so scary and unsettling. In that time I have also been very ill in burnout. It will take time to process your diagnosis, making sense of past life experiences and also learning about yourself. I’ve learnt a lot more about my sensory needs and other support needs which my husband has started helping me with.

I’d recommend researching the double empathy theory. Basically you aren’t bad in social situations, rather it is the difference and lack of understanding between non-autistic and autistic people that causes issues. I’d recommend looking for an autistic adult organisation as they often run social or support groups. There are also lots of communities online eg. Facebook. By finding an autistic community (or even just 1 fellow autistic person) you will hopefully realise that you are perfectly ok as you are.

It will take time to accept your new reality. You do not need to change. Your autistic self is completely worthy, acceptable, and deserves kindness (from yourself as well as others). Sending you a virtual hug.

Hello! You are still the same person. My son is mildly autistic and is one of the absolute best people I know. I think it is all about finding your tribe. Good luck on your adventure. You will find friends. Even the non autistic people are bags of nerves and social anxiety but everyone wants to connect.

Thank you both for your very kind words... Your kindness is overwhelming.

I viewed it as when Opal Fruits renamed to Starburst - exactly the same stuff inside... same person as before you were diagnosed really. As for feeling you can never change - no one is set in stone. I was diagnosed mid 40s, and I've done (in the last few years) a complete career change involving going back to university and retraining completely - I look back at the person I was 5 years ago and it's like a crazy difference. The real change came because I found a group of colleagues who like me for being me, and who I know will support me - and we all pitch in and use each other's strengths. I can go into a room full of adults and deliver training and tell them what they should do to make things better - I would never have seen myself doing that (but making telephone calls still requires me to psych myself up beforehand)!

I love that analogy @TorturedParentsDepartment

In your words 'you are never going to get better'. That's because there's nothing wrong with you. Your anxiety stems from trying to fit into a non autistic world.

Autism is a different operating system that's all. A bit like a Mac vs Android.

Once you find your people you'll fit right in.

Be kinder to yourself and realise your brain processes slightly differently. It's not a bad thing just a difference.

I'd say read all you can, join help support groups on social media (carefully), think about what things would make you less anxious and think about boundaries to protect your mental wellbeing.

I come from a very long line of autists.

This week I proudly watched my young adult daughter advocate for herself and spell out her limitations to others as she needed space.

You'll get there.

Fellow autistic person here. Please don’t worry. Autism is my superpower. The way I see the world is so unique and I love it.
But it wasn’t always this way. I wondered why I was different, why I didn’t think or feel like normal people, why I felt so uncomfortable in situations that everyone else was at ease with. I so desperately wanted to fit in.
But over time I realised that some of us were born to be different, and I embraced it completely. Once I stopped trying to fit in and stopped beating myself up every day that I was so weird, I found a self confidence that I never knew existed.

I learnt to interact with the world through watching and repeating. So I really studied how people behaved in shops and at the till. I even used to write myself scripts for making phone calls. If you met me now, you would think I was the most self-assured, confident NT person there is (though spend a bit of time with me and my autistic traits are there still, in all their glory).

Sometimes I find myself in a situation and feel that autistic cloak coming down. That will never go away, but my day to day life and how I interact is so much easier now.
There is nothing wrong with you, or me, or anyone else autistic. We just run from a different CPU to other people.

It’s just a label for something that’s quite a normal version of a human being. I have lots of autistic people around me and really enjoy their different perspective on things.
Hopefully now you’ve got your diagnosis you can understand yourself better and not blame yourself for not being the same as other people. There’s nothing wrong with you!

There are techniques such as conversation opener lines that you can use? Do you have special interests that you can share with others and talk about that? You will have lots of areas of strength and can address the challenge areas such as small talk.

That's how I feel about my ADHD diagnosis. Like what's me and what's the ADHD? I hope you manage to find more acceptance. You're still you. Just with hopefully more understanding of yourself.

I felt similr when I was first diagnosed, like I was broken and would never be fixed.

I did a post diagnosis course which helped me a lot, mine was run by SWAN (Scottish Womans autistic network) but I'm sure other organisations will do similar.

It took me a while to come to terms with my diagnosis but over time I've come to terms with it.

I'm still massively socially anxious though, that has not changed.

You are all amazing; i keep coming back to read these comments when I'm having a wobble. Which is still alot of the time.

Just remember that you are a gift. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be given such a unique take on life. Embrace it xx

I am a year post diagnosis and only now starting to settle in to the new version of me (ie. one that accepts my differences & doesn't battle all the time to be NT). It is HUGE to learn this about yourself particularly at this age, go easy on yourself.

Most people go their whole lives feeling different and not knowing if anything is wrong with them

You are you, just slightly different and now you know why, own it understand it rather than let it control it you

I was diagnosed at 24. I viewed it as a positive because the alternative was that I had MH problems and I didn't think that was accurate.

But the first 6 months, processing and looking back at my childhood and things I'd struggled with and understanding that the reason was that was autism was hard- it's a lot to process. I was also much much more keenly aware of my social difficulties and felt maybe other people could see them more clearly post diagnosis! Obviously not the case.

What it actually gave me though was an opportunity to learn about autism, learn about coping strategies and relate to other people with autism in a way I had never related with "normal" people. I now have a job I love, a wonderful DH who I met there- not autistic but very very accepting of my autism and was able to set my life up in a way that suits me- quiet house in quiet area, social life on my terms, time to recharge, quiet days etc. I really wouldn't have all of this if I hadn't been diagnosed- the self awareness I gained from my diagnosis got me there!

Keep going, keep processing, you'll get there!

I'm not autistic but have ADHD (diagnosed in primary school not off TikTok lol) and I've had to learn how to not interrupt people and actively look like I'm listening even when my mind is wandering. I'd imagine it's a similar process for a lot of ND people whereby you just have to learn the cues etc.

Hang on to the fact that you remain just as you were before the diagnosis but with a little more knowledge and perhaps a little more understanding of yourself.

Being told that you are autistic probably explains why some things are more difficult (and some things easier) for you than for many others but you are just as valuable as you always were.

Being autistic won't stop you learning things or adapting but knowing that you are might lead you to use different methods and tools.

Congratulations - you now have a little more knowledge about your identity and you are part of another world-wide community (autists)!

I was diagnosed 3 years ago aged 34 and I'm still learning about myself and how I'm affected. For example, I've been having problems at work that I only last night realised are probably due to me being overstimulated. I've been struggling for several months now and that only clicked last night!

I'd definitely recommend reading as much as you can. Ellie Middleton has written two books, Unmasked (great book, helped me realise that my traits are common and I'm not alone) and How To Be You (not read yet but fully plan to) and she's a great advocate for autism and ADHD awareness.

Be kind to yourself, having your diagnosis answers a lot of questions but there's still a lot to work out.

How do people go about getting diagnosed as adults? GP?

Yes speak to your GP if you think you would benefit from an assessment, mine sent me a quick tick form which establishes that ASD might be a possibility.

You can also find private providers I think the cost is about £2/3k?

@satonacat thank you. I'm going to progress this x

Just to add thismummy in my area I think waiting lists are 3 years plus, but your GP practice should be able to provide you with a list of private providers who have contract to do the work (right to choose) who's waiting lists should be considerably shorter and at no cost to you as the NHS pick up the bill (my list promises 6 weeks - 2 years depending on the provider).
All the best with it

I'm scared I am going to lose my job. I had a meltdown last week because a.boy who I used to be 1:1 for last year dysregulated when I had to take him out for small group work. He hated me, which in turn has made me dysregulate. As am employer, surely there is only so long they'll put up with my behaviour.
P.S. work in primary with autistic.chikdren

How were things in your role previously? Disregulated children can be challenging for anyone, it can be good to have calming sensory activities to help de-escalate and bring down from that heightened state. Some children have a bag of 'fiddle toys' or sensory items that interest them. You could ask your sendco about this provision.