Bi-polar partner extremely difficult. At wits end.

[FluWorldOrder]

I just need to offload really.

My partner of 8 years has bi-polar. He has been well managed on lithium for many years and when he is taking his medication he is happy, not a nasty person and just gets on with things.

He was under the care of a local mental health team until earlier in the year but was discharged from that service. He said he doesn't have the diagnosis anymore and that the psychiatrist confirmed this and stopped the medication (he may have been taking it sporadically before then but generally he took it and was fine).

He doesn't accept the bi-polar diagnosis and has always been unhappy about it but generally it was all a non event as he has been fine for years and just took the medication and got on with things.

Unfortunately since he stopped the medication in March-ish things have now come crashing down. He has been manic since mid-September with no sign of anything improving. He has no idea there is anything wrong despite having a complete change of personality. He has become extremely nasty. Extremely nasty. Random and muddled. Pressured speech and random tangents. He has ZERO insight into anything and genuinely can not see there is a complete change in him and something is wrong

He thinks there is something wrong with me. Yes there is, I am extremely anxious and on edge as I never know what I'm going to get from one minute to the next. He has become almost obsessed with my health and me seeing doctors, dentists, optometrists.. you name it he wants me to see it.

Has anyone been in this situation? I am getting to a point of desperation as this has been going on for 6 weeks now and is destroying my mental health. It will be almost impossible for us to come back from this as he is continually nasty and rude to me. I understand it's the condition but that doesn't make it any easier.

I just need support really as I have no one IRL to turn to. What can I do? We have two children and I have no where to go or money to go anywhere with. There is more but this is long. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

This is a good analogy and one I will try and use. The nastiness is unbelievable and bizarre because he is not a nasty person at all when well. That's what makes it so much harder as well.

Lucky I'm just seeing it as vomit. He's just called me thick as pig shit 🙄

Yes, just vomit, don't think too much about it or try and analyse it! I know it still hurts. This happened to me around a month ago and I am still not right after it, it's hard to get over all the nastiness even when you know it's just a brain imbalance.

You asked before how did I manage to convince him to go for help, I don't really have great advice on that, we talked about it several times before and I made a plan to go to different psychiatrists one day to get an appointment (we are not in the UK), eventually one agreed to see us then and there so we were able to start medication immediately.

Being with someone who turns from being a fantastic, loving, caring person into an utter bastard for no reason is really hard to cope with.

I put up with it when dating my ex. Until he was just so unreasonable and horrid to me for nothing that I dumped him.

He stormed off but made a GP appointment to get back on meds so I took him back.

I vowed then to never stay with anyone like that again as it's scary.

I split up with him for a different reason but i couldn't handle the nastiness.

So I feel your pain. It was easy fir me as my house no kids, so circs are different but stay safe and I hope you get it all sorted soon.

Yes if we didn't have the kids it would be a very different situation! I am just so scared of having to share care with him and not knowing if he was well or not.

Today has been horrendous. Probably the worst day yet. He is insinuating I am having an affair (this accusation started on the weekend I think) by various things he is saying. Asking our daughter questions about different men etc. But he is also so muddled and confused with things. We now have a blocked toilet and dishwasher not draining/starting since Saturday and he just can't get around to doing either of them (yes he does these jobs, I'm the default parent with no grandparents or any help at all.. don't know when I'd be having an affair).. despite doing not a lot at all he can't get things done. It's weird, scary and sad. I just feel so sad now that this is happening.

Hope you’re holding up okay OP. Please remember at every contact to mention you’ve got children in the house as this is likely to make people act a bit more swiftly

Oh OP I really feel for you. I work in MH and unfortunately a lot of people pay lip service to agreeing with their advice psychiatrist and care coordinator and say they will keep taking medication if discharged - then do the opposite and relapse. It sounds like this is what happens to your DH. Diagnosis stick and it’s unlikely they said his Bipolar had gone away…it’s more likely they thought he didn’t need regular input as he was stable on his meds.

You’ve don’t all the right things, hopefully the GP can help but if it doesn’t help then keep going back to MH services. They will want to have tried frontline services first but if that fails they should take referral. Make sure they know he’s being verbally abusive to you and there are children involved.

Involuntary admission can be considered by yourself as NR or the AMHP service - the basis doesn’t have to be criminal, it’s based on a person having a mental disorder of a nature or degree which requires a period of assessment/treatment in hospital and that this is necessary for their own health or safety or with a view to the protection of others. You’ve described enough for an AMHP to assess as he has bipolar, is acutely unwell and abusive to yourself which will also be emotionally harmful to your children. They will need to be certain that GP services and the mental health team would hasnt work as the law says sectioning is a last resort.

MIND can be very supportive, it would be worth contacting them to help you if you have a local branch.

I hope you are ok, if you don’t get anywhere with GP/crisis team then push for an Amhp to assess.

Take good care.

My dad is bi polar and well managed on lithium.....regular blood tests but leads a normal life. Before he started lithium the manic highs were horrendous. It would build and build until got to the point where it was completely unmanageable, and he was a danger to himself and others - he needed sectioning. My mum was advised that the only way to get him a bed was to call a&e. He was sectioned, brought back down with meds and still to this day blames my poor mum for this because he doesn't remember a thing about how he behaved when he was manic. So even when he gets better lack of insight is likely to remain to an extent. I recommend trying to record him in action so that you can show him when he gets back to normal and make him believe you and gets some insight into how it was for you. That way he might actively decide to take his meds and continue to be well. My mum did this but hasn't had the heart to show my dad as she knows he'd be mortified by his manic behaviour.......and I think it's also painful for her to relive it,,fortunately he does take his meds now though and has been well managed for years. It's really very difficult, especially if young children are around. You need to look out for yourself and children first. And he needs to take his meds and want to get better if there is to be a future.

• call 999 and get an ambulance, not A&E....although that is where he went initially. It was not a waste of ambulance time as he was becoming a danger to himself. Shouting and screaming for hours on end and he lost so much weight, it really became an unmanageable and emergency situation.

Thank you for your response 🧡 I really appreciate you taking the time. How do I go about applying to have the assessment done by an AMHP? I feel like there is so much information around but I can't find what I need. Should I just contact the local mental health services? I feel like I would need to be there for the assessment but I want to leave tomorrow. I have contacted Women's Aid today for some information and am going to ring again tomorrow to see about a place in a refuge. The harm now is just too much and our older daughters behaviour is starting to be badly effected.

Thank you @CockerMum 🧡 I need to leave now for the sake of both me and my children. Hopefully we can find a space in a refuge.

Oh @Talkwhilstyouwalk it's so hard. I can actually hear him downstairs now talking to himself. Your poor Mum, I know how hard it is. I'm so glad your Dad is well managed now. The frustrating thing about this situation is that my partner has been well managed for 7 years.. totally fine.. taking his medication and no issues. Since stopping in around March he has still been ok but I think this has now been triggered by various other stressors. It is very frustrating when you know how well someone is on lithium.

Im glad you are leaving, it is the right decision to prioritise yourself and your children.

You’re in Northern Ireland right? Just confirming it’s not Ireland as the law is different.

You don’t need to be there for the assessment but would be helpful for you to facilitate access to the home if he won’t let them in.

My advice is to call the crisis team or mental health team, tell them that your husband is acutely unwell and that you “want to make a Nearest Relative request for a Mental Health Act Assessment” because your husband is bipolar, has stopped his meds, is acutely unwell and verbally abusing you so that you and your children to the extent you have to move out of the home. Tell them that the GP can’t help and ask them to give you the AMHP team number to request the assessment. They might (should) offer to go and see him and see if they can help first, in which case take them up on this offer if they can go out urgently. The words I’ve put in quotation marks are the words you need to make a request they do an assessment for involuntary admission.

If at any time you feel at risk from him, just call the police. Hopefully this won’t be needed and you’re ok but if you need to then do.

Good Luck.

Are you in England?
if so call 111 option 2 (I’ll do a screenshot in a minute)
you do NOT have to wait for a GP to refer your dh into mental health services.
if you do refer him I’d suggest having a concise list prepared. Perhaps some/all of the following…
your dh has a confirmed diagnosis of bi polar disorder, previous known to x team.
until x date he took Lithium and was relatively stable
He has now taken himself off this and is showing clear symptoms of relapse (give a couple of examples such as lack of sleep, grandiose ideas etc)
he lacks insight and can’t see he is unwell.
Without intervention the risk is that he will continue to deteriorate and may put himself or others at risk.
make a clear request that he is seen face to face.

someone said that he can’t be sectioned as he hasn’t committed any criminal activity (or words to that effect) - this is NOT true.

Info re 111 option 2 (apologies if you are not in England but this may help someone else)

Just seen you are in NI

try the government website (there’s not mention of crimes being committed before he can be assessed - the GP is wrong; broadly speaking the NI mental health legislation is similar to that of the Mental Health Act for England and Wales)

Stay safe, that’s the most important thing amid the chaos xx

Yes, Northern Ireland @NotARealWookiie
Thank you so much. And to everyone who has contributed to the thread.

He had what they call a "chatterbox session" last night with his GP. I had spoken to the GP earlier and he'd said he would see what he could do. Apparently my partner was told last night by his GP that "if I can't take his word for it" (that he's fine.. despite living with him!!?? I know he's not fine..) "then that's her problem" and that he won't refer him to mental health services because he sees no need. This is despite two separate calls from me and the fact he knows my partner has been off his medication for months.. it beggars belief really. Surely he could just refer him on for a psychiatric assessment!!??

Did the GP tell you this or did your husband?

I’m a bit suspicious of the factual accuracy of everything your husband has told you - “they said I don’t have bipolar anymore” “if she doesn’t believe you that’s her problem”… it seems unlikely.

If I were you I would exercise your right as Nearest Relative to request an assessment by and Approved Social Work for Compulsory Admission for treatment- they will likely assess and if they don’t, they have to put their reasoning to you in writing.

this might help https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/your-rights-health#:~:text=Approved%20social%20workers,of%20giving%20care%20and%20treatment.

So sorry you are going through all this. Living with someone who is manic is very frightening. Unfortunately people can often “hold it together” while speaking to medical staff and can seem much better than they actually are in the short term.

I would put something in writing to your GP and the crisis team. Explain exactly what his behaviour is like. Tell them that you believe he lacks insight and so is unable to make decisions about his medical treatment. Say that it’s getting worse and that his health and your welfare are at serious risk. Make it clear that you expect a mental health assessment to be completed. I think you should also say that it’s unreasonable for a decision about taking this forward is based on a short interview rather than on the much bigger picture of how his behaviour is affecting him and your family. Talk about the kids being scared .

Speaking to people means that what is documented in the notes is under their control. But if you write things down your account and concerns can’t easily be contradicted. Keep pushing. You shouldn’t have to but unfortunately sometimes you do .

There are emergency social work services you can contact too. The number comes up if you google them. I’m in Scotland. There will always be specialist mental health officers on call overnight here as part of the emergency social work services. I presume it will be similar in Northern Ireland. Worth seeing if you could speak to someone there. They would be involved with any assessment for detention under the Mental Health Act .

Husband. I haven't heard any further from the GP. We had a social worker come to our house this morning. Because I called mental health the woman there referred us to social services and a friend of his who I confided in after three weeks of this hell ended up calling the police (after seeing him, I'm unsure of what exactly happened between them but she also thinks he is unwell) so that also triggered a referral.

Oh yes the holding it together is very real. He is quite easily able to do this. I was told by the social worker this morning that neither the GP or the mental health worker believed he was manic. Well I mean of course not. The behaviour he was exhibiting in front of the social worker and the behaviour this afternoon are very different. I mean he even forgot the social worker was coming this morning? He knew there was a social worker coming and he forget about it. Very unlike him. And they way he was acting with the social worker here was just bizarre but that might not be obvious to someone who doesn't know him IYKWIM?

Our daughter was sick yesterday and that was the day I had said I would leave.. I am going to try again tomorrow. He is being controlling like I'm not sure if I mentioned upthread he left the house for four days because I asked him to go to the ED or I would call an ambulance. So he left that Sunday night and came back on the Thursday. And took my car keys. Only one of our daughters has a passport but that isn't in its normal place and nor is his so I'm guessing he's squirrelled those away (it expires in a week or two so I'm not worried). He has also taken the wheels off my car to "fix it" and can't seem to manage to actually get around to doing it. He just went on about what he's going to do with the car and then spent and hour doing other stuff and then tells me he's supposed to be going to Dublin in an hour?? I wish he would. He is all over the place.