I’ve suddenly had a wave of unfamiliar emotions for the past few days.
For background I have no contact with my mother, she was a neglectful and abusive ‘parent’ who made it clear she despised me from a young age. I was starving and unloved and not a soul helped me despite it being very obvious. School turned a blind eye. I had my children young and she would treat them the way she did me which was when I finally got the courage to cut contact.
I’m much happier in life now, it was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I’ve done so much better with my life than I could have.
Now 5 years later I feel very off about the whole situation. Maybe it’s finally sunk in now I’m older and a parent that how I was treated and not ‘saved’ by anyone has deeply affected me. I don’t mix with people or have friends, I struggle with work as I can’t socialise and end up falling out with people accidentally, I stay home and keep my head down. I managed fine before now not thinking about it, despite my doctor diagnosing me with CPTSD.
I’m on anti depressants which have greatly helped with my anxiety attacks that I’ve had since 4 years old, but now and again I have a sudden flashback or a dream (nightmare?) about her and it all comes back.
Things I thought I’d forgotten suddenly flood my head, eg a comment she made that stuck with me, or an action that had consequences. Then I either feel sadness or anger that I’m reliving it while she gets to have the life she wants without repercussions.
I’ve tried counselling, it made me much worse as resurfacing trauma doesn’t work for me, I thought letting it out would help but it didn’t and I sunk into deep depression. Hence I’d never do counselling again.
I’m not a likeable person as I was never taught anything, sometimes I go ott or act like I hate a person when I don’t, I just don’t know how to act with people. I’m a huge introvert and very very likely autistic, I need space from people or I clam up from the exhaustion and over stimulation and that’s not possible with work so it sours colleague relationships and I end up leaving for another job very regularly. Everyone I’ve known or been friends with have blocked me over the years. I don’t mean to be this way, I know im a nice person I just can’t express it.
I’m not sure what advice I’m really looking for, I know it’s in the past and I can’t change it now. I guess I’m looking for anyone in a similar position to ask how you manage the trauma and any reminders popping up? I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of remembering her or reliving the abuse, I want to move on fully, I thought I had.