OK, this is more a plea for your prayers. I think I've reached an all time low & I'm hoping to scramble out of it somehow. Long story short...my life has been such that my sister and I joke that we survived/thrived in spite of our parents rather than because of them...When I became pregnant with my first baby unexpectedly last summer I was actually thrilled & even more so when I found out she's a girl. But during the course of the pregnancy, I was diagnosed with a few major health concerns and was told that my baby might die at anytime unexpectedly right up until the moment she was born due to a possible heart condition caused by my antibodies. One nurse even went so far as to tell me not to get too attached "in case". My partner and I got married, moved to his native UK & settled in when I was about 6 months along. I gave birth three weeks early and luckily the ECG revealed my daughter's heart is ok. We had to spend a week in hospital while she lost weight and we tried our hardest to learn breastfeeding. We finally got the ok to go home and two days later I was taken back into A&E with a suspected stroke. I was kept in for five days without my baby. We managed to keep the bf going by expressing and sending the milk home with DH. I spent the nights in the hospital awake and praying (something I'd not done for a very very long time)- begging God for the chance to go home and be the best wife and mother I could be. Begging for my health, for my family. I finally got the all clear to go home after several painful tests. I've been absolutely exhausted since then...and I've been sick with stupid little things - two rounds of viral gastroenteritis, two bouts of mastitis, a cold that's lasted over a month...and I think I've been walking a very thin line between keeping it all together and sliding into PND. Well, last weekend my baby vomited with blood in it, resulting in a midnight trip to A&E for her - luckily told she's ok and was likely result of my mastitis. My DH was set to work out of town this week near my MIL, so we went up with him for the first few days, coming home on Wednesday. Wednesday night I lost it. My sanity that is...I honestly don't know why or what happened but I was looking down at my daughter and for a full minute I was thinking of stopping her breathing. I didn't touch her. And I swear to God I would never hurt her. And I knew what I was thinking was WRONG. I got so scared that that thought would even enter my mind. I put her in the buggy and we walked over to my SILs and spent the night there. I was in a full panic attack and was too afraid to be alone with her. I went to the GP yesterday and told them I think I'm depressed (didn't tell the exact thoughts, but enough to get a referral for postnatal psych.) I went back up to my MILs yesterday and came back home with DH tonight - but he's out at a work dinner until late. I've told all this to DH & SIL & MIL, and the GP, and it was one the harder conversations I've had. (Scary, embarrassing,feel abnormal/freakish, etc.) But I realize that I need help. I cannot do this all alone. I feel like a terrible person, let alone terrible mother. How could I have had such thoughts about my daughter who I love so much??? I've been crying pretty much non-stop since Wednesday night. So anyway, I think I really need a few people praying for me right now. (And my daughter and DH too!) So if you have a moment (and after reading all this I know you might not!) Please keep us in your prayers. And thanks for taking the time to read this.
(I cross-posted in the religion/prayer threads as I wasn't totally sure where best to post this.)