Loneliness is making me so depressed

[sarah855]

I do suffer with depression and anxiety but my current situation is making it so much worse.
We moved to current town from abroad, got jobs, started making friends then I got pregnant was very very ill..then covid. My office shut down and I now wfh where I don't speak to anyone all week. All work friends left current employer and don't see any of them. DH works long hours in a social job, isn't as bothered as getting out of the house as me at weekends.
All my current friends have little kids so planning something with childcare/constant kid illnesses is a nightmare or people cancel all the time or you're planning around bed times/nap times. No one has the same day off as me.
School run..everyone is rushing off to work or to get younger siblings home. Tried joining PTA- meetings/events are when DS has football. I joined a gym, everyone does the class and goes home and the decent classes are during DS bedtime or when I'm working.
Every time I try and do something it goes wrong. I joined an art class..it was then cancelled. I joined a netball class..the first week was cancelled, then my DS ended up in hospital for the second then the third we were away so I didn't end up going.
Everyone I know has lots of pre existing friends or work friends or big families and is not in my situation.
I know I sound really defeatists but I've tried to meet people and it always goes wrong which makes me feel even lower. I'm currently just lying in bed and can't face this upcoming week of loneliness again.
Or a weekend cleaning, going to soft play, having to play tedious kid games and clear up food from everywhere.
My mum then piles in with how she had a huge group or friends and so does my sister..neither of them worked and both have lived in the same town since birth, so it must be me that's the failure here right.

Hopeful bump

OMG it's even happening to me on Mumsnet 😂

Is there a book club near you? You’d meet up in person and have to talk. If there isn’t, you could start one. But it does mean more organisation, as you’d need childcare.

No it isn't!!

Here's an idea - why not take your ds to soft play today and also see if you can take one of your pal's kids as well.

They might jump at the chance to get 2 or 3 child-free hours. Your ds has company.

You might get chatting to another mum at soft play.

You might be invited in for coffee when you return the child.

And if none of that happens at least you have been out and done a helpful thing for your friend and made 2 kids happy!

I find kids great company anyway. You might have a laugh with just the kids if you properly engage with them.

Weekends can be tricky though coz folks are busy.

If you can stand possible all round rejection - put a message out round your pals simply saying you're at a loose end and is anyone else up for coming round to yours today.

Bring the kids and you'll put some food and kettle on.

Any bored mum will be round in a heartbeat!!

BUT remember - if no one takes you up on it - do not feel dejected. It is short notice.

If you get lots of sorrys - you might get a 'sorry, busy but another time, yes please!'

The activities weren't cancelled because of you though, you are seeing it through a negative lens because you feel low. If you felt better it would just be water off a ducks back.

You need to go to an activity and stick with it for at least 6 months of regular attendance to even begin making friends - you have to put the time in and invest so you aren't just the 'new' person.

At your stage of life and if you don't have much childcare then it's likely friendships will develop around your children. Get them involved in scouts or a sports group, volunteer as a adult helper / first aider etc, make friends with other volunteers and their families etc.

Or volunteer as an usher at the local theatre or do a few paid hours in a supermarket or bar in the evening to get some time being social and earning money.

I understand but just want to encourage you to persevere! It sounds like you are already doing all the right things and that it's only a matter of time before you make some more solid friendships. But I also understand how hard and at times discouraging this can be! It's difficult to find people you really click with who have time for you. That's my experience too! I'm older than you and don't have children and have often envied mothers thinking how much easier it would then be to find friends. But, life has shown me it's possible to be lonely in any situation, all kinds of different circumstances and life stages. I've had periods of having lots of lovely friends and equally times feeling very alone. Life is very changeable. It won't always be like this for you so try not to worry 💗 Just be patient and continue to be friendly and open and you will see🤗

Another easyish way to make pals is if you join a night class (or day class!) to learn a new language - make sure you go for total beginner.

When everyone is in the same boat you all have that in common. Someone else in the class is bound to have turned up on their own.

Doesn't have to be a language but language is a particularly good one as you can go in from nothing.

Many other things, people will be naturally good - or bring knowledge.

You don't say what your first language is - but, assuming English, try something extra tricky like Mandarin! No one is a beginners' class is going to excel at that to start with! You will have a good laugh. And it doesn't matter at all if you can't get to grips - fun night out!

Lots of good advice from previous posters!

Can you and your husband and child do something fun at the weekends?
Or just you and your husband? (if you can get childcare)

I know you write that you want friends to spend time with, and I think that you soon will, but in the meantime, spend time with your husband. Do some activity that you both want to try.

I am single, and have been for a long time, and that is one of the reasons
I can get envious of you married people - you always have someone to do things with!