Midwife incident - postnatal anxiety

[SealMum]

I have a 4 month old DD and postnatal anxiety. My main issues are around worrying something will happen to DD but also that I'm doing the wrong thing for her - not so much right now as I can tell she's happy, meeting milestones etc. but that something I'm doing now will mess something up for her in the future (e.g. her sleep is awful and I worry that's my fault and will cause her some kind of problem), or that something has only just gone wrong that's not showing up yet. E.g. I worry whether she's eating enough - I can assuage this a little bit by remembering she has had good weight gain so far, but then I switch to worrying that if it was a recent problem it wouldn't show up in her weight gain yet.

I think my PNA stems at least partly from an issue in hospital when DD was around 12 hours old. She'd been asleep for a couple of hours and I was just about to wake her to try and feed her when she woke up and threw up loads of brown gunk. She covered herself and me and we were worried so pressed the bell to ask a midwife to come and see us while we started getting her changed. When the midwife came in we tried to explain what had happened and ask if it meant there was a problem but she started shouting at us that the baby was too cold (we'd literally just undressed her and were about to redress her), said she hadn't eaten in too long and left again. When she came back she had a bottle of formula which she gave DD (I had wanted to exclusively breastfeed) and said the doctors were too busy to come and see the baby (we hadn't asked for them to). As she left she said it was completely normal for C-section babies (I'd had an emergency C-section) to throw up brown stuff but by then I was in tears. I have a history of PTSD and was probably at risk of some kind of postnatal mental health issue but I feel this was the perfect storm, coming when I was feeling really vulnerable, and triggered it at least a bit.

This was pretty debilitating until I saw my GP and started medication when it got a bit better, but still feels like it's having a big impact on my life. I was also referred to the perinatal mental health team, and from there to a parent infant psychotherapist. We had a couple of sessions but it felt like her focus was on the bond between me and DD - which is one thing I'm not concerned about! It was doing nothing to assuage my worries and quite a long stressful journey to get there so I stopped seeing her.

I'm not really sure what to do next or how to stop feeling this way. I really struggle with asking for help so it took a lot for me to go to the GP, but the support I was offered didn't help at all and I've added it to the "ways I'm doing the wrong thing" list. Any support or advice would be really appreciated. Sorry this is so long. Thank you very much for reading if you got this far.

Midwifes can be the most brusque, sometimes vile creatures. I had similar with one who made me feel like the worst parent ever and I feel directly led to my PND.

Some are just going through the motions and when they should be calm, reassuring and polite you get the odd cow like this.

Your baby is meeting milestones, you have a strong bond and she's gaining weight as she should. Sleep, well that's babies isn't it? Some of us get lucky with a baby who sleeps through, the majority of us get one who apparently has no idea what sleep is. DD is 17 now and she was a dreadful sleeper, but no long term effects and seems to be making up for it since turning 13, in that in the holidays and weekends I'm lucky to see them before 2pm.

I would contact PALs or ask for a postnatal debrief. Make sure you highlight the hugely negative impact the unprofessional and unkind behaviour of that midwife has had on your time with your DD, that you love the child but have suffered postnatal mental health issues as a direct result of her behaviour. I think it's about time all new mums were given a feedback survey so the NHS can single out these incompetent lot and re-assign them elsewhere, or at the very least some retraining.

I am sorry about that incident with the midwife. Yes that could have made your anxiety worse. It does sound like you have anxiety. How about going back to perinatal and asking for more support? Perhaps a mental health nurse could give you some support. Or the NCT do postnatal support. Hope you feel better soon.

@WillimNot Thank you so much for your response and I'm sorry you had a bad experience and had PND. It's that feeling like the worst parent ever thing that someone in "authority" can give you that can really stick with you if it happens at a vulnerable time. I will look into PALS and I agree about a survey for new mums!

@starpatch Thank you very much - I will look into both of those options. I didn't know the NCT did postnatal support but I've found their breastfeeding helpline invaluable so I will definitely try them!