Shame over past behaviour

[Everestisthebest]

Does anyone know how I can stop my past mistakes haunting me? I don't mean trivial things, i mean I've done some "bad" things that were done at a time when i was really unwell but didn't realise including plagiarism in college, leaving jobs with no notice, not turning up for work etc. Letting lots of people down and just being unreliable and careless.
It was very bad self sabotage I believe due to severe anxiety. I have come to realise I've been living with symptoms of ptsd from a very emotionally abusive childhood.
The past mistakes are just creeping up on me. The embarrassment and shame.

That sounds so tough. Acknowledgimg it all seems like a really healthy first step. Can you afford therapy? Have you tried any self help books or podcasts? The reality is you can't change the past but you can change the future. Plus we all have reasons for acting the way we do and it's very often linked to past trauma. Be kind to yourself.

Don’t let the past define who you are now. You’re a new person now and embrace it.

Will counselling help to close the door on the past, and embrace the future?

Thanks so much @Newstartplease2024 for not judging and being compassionate. Sometimes people just don't realise what's going on underneath all the destructive behaviour. It can feel very isolating.

Thanks @Fireworknightive done lots of self help, listen to podcasts all the time and therapy too. Possibly too much if thats possible! I know the root of it all is that I was kind of bullied by my family growing up, picked on relentlessly and also abandoned by my father after my mother passed away so everything is my fault, I'm an awful person etc etc

Honestly, non of what you listed sounds that bad to me.

I think you are being hard on yourself.

Many ‘respectable’ people have and do much worse.

I know the root of it all is that I was kind of bullied by my family growing up, picked on relentlessly and also abandoned by my father after my mother passed away so everything is my fault, I'm an awful person etc etc

You know when babies are found abandoned, wrapped up in a tea towel and left on a doorstep - does anyone say, or think "that's one awful child, I can quite understand why the parents did that"? No, of course not.

Have a look at this article - https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

and these videos - and

to help you understand where your beliefs about yourself come from, and more importantly how to change them.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you, the logical part of my brain knows that of course I ended up doing stupid reckless because of my childhood and that i didn't deserve to be treated how I was but then I get these episodes of just berating myself and almost convincing myself oh it wasn't that bad, you're just making it up you're the problem!

@November2024WL well there's other things I've done aswell, all during my early 20s when I was just going through so much but those seem to be cropping up a lot. Possibly because I'm thinking about my career and going back to work. I've never intentionally tried or wanted to hurt people but I have in past relationships all during early 20s when I was in a really bad place.

@quinnolivia thank you for your kind words. Wondering what practical things I could be doing to be more kind of myself..

You had a tough childhood. What's life like for you now?

If someone told you they'd done those things, would you think badly of them? I wouldn't.

Don't focus on your past. That'll take you nowhere. Concentrate on the here & now.

You deserve to forgive yourself.

You don't need to punish yourself forever more for things a younger version of you did.