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House Anxiety?? like Health Anxiety

13 replies

GlomOfNit · 31/10/2024 09:04

I just wondered if there were any other MNers who currently feel they get this. A search for historic MN threads did show up some fellow travellers but I was hoping to talk to people who are struggling with this at present.

I'm a worrier and suffer from more or less chronic anxiety. This hooks onto fairly predictable issues - my health, the threat of nuclear war, my parents, my children, money - and when I'm more stressed about life in general, my anxieties will ramp up. Objectively, I know that my anxieties are a disorder - that I catastrophise, obsess and overthink. I've had this my whole life, after all. Health anxiety is almost always with me - I'm one of those tedious people who assumes that every odd twinge is cancer or a brain tumour or a heart condition. I know this and feel terrible that people who actually HAVE these conditions, are a lot more level-headed than I am!

In the last couple of years though, I've noticed my anxieties have found a new 'hook' - our house. Now, objectively, we really do have a few problems. Damp is always an issue (20's ex-council house, sturdy but with single-skin brick walls, so exterior walls always cold and grow mildew given a chance). But in the last few years cracks at the tops of interior walls have appeared. They're not massive and we did have a surveyor in who said, this is almost certainly just very slight minor movement, the plaster has got damp and detached a tiny bit at the tops of the walls. But they are everywhere. Damp patches are all over the place and for lots of different reasons. The roof really needs redoing in entirety but I have no idea how we'd pay for that (we're about to have about 5 grand's worth of minor roofing and guttering jobs done and that's going to have to be a small loan). The stucco plaster on the outside is blowing in some areas and that's also a prohibitively costly job.

There is too much crap IN the house (I'm not a hoarder but not far off, in all honesty, and decluttering is compounded by my anxiety and depression which make it very hard to get my head into the right state of mind to let go of things). That doesn't help airflow.

There is now a pervading smell of damp and sometimes mould in certain areas and I'm finding it oppressive. I find myself going into headspins of terror about it all - is this damp, mildewy house making us all ill? Would we ever be able to sell it? Where do we find the money to put it all right and where do we start and how do I find someone who isn't a cowboy to do it??

I find myself eyeing cracks in the walls apprehensively, particularly at night. Every creak or tap (often from the house settling down as the heating goes off in the late evenings) seems as if it goes right through me - I genuinely feel it in my body, like a tiny shock. I now can't tell if, when there's a sudden creak, it's the tiny shot of adrenalin that it sets off in my body because it makes me anxious that's what I feel, or if there was actually a tiny 'movement' in the house that my body felt. I wake in the middle of the night and smell mould (I have a horribly oversensitive sense of smell and retain smells in my nose for ages, so I'm not sure I can trust it). I try to stop myself, but imagine dry rot mycelium spreading its tendrils behind the plaster, along the bricks, unseen. I lie awake convinced the house is about to collapse, that with every heavy rainstorm the material of the house is getting more and more saturated and one day will just ... subside. I imagine the foundations becoming eaten away from beneath.

I know all of this is utterly crazy! I'm intelligent, educated and I know health anxiety when I see it. This is EXACTLY like my horrible health anxiety, only it's about the house. I see some minor (I hope!) issues and then everything I observe becomes a 'symptom' of some far greater malaise, like dry rot, rising damp, rotten joists, subsidence. Like going to see a GP with something I'm obsessing about, the reassurance of that surveyor's visit had a very short half-life. (To be fair, he was a friend of a friend and came in briefly as a favour, so it wasn't exhaustive.) Essentially, whatever he said to reassure us, I now don't really believe.

Having bitten the bullet and got a roofer to come and do some remedial work, I had hoped to feel better. But I'm already panicking about it - what if he lifts the felt on the flat roof he's recovering and finds it already rotten? What if, by December, it's raining so much they can't do any repairs and we'll have to wait until spring and the roof will deteriorate over winter? What if it all costs twice as much as they said it would?

Does anyone else suffer from this particular sort of anxiety? It's so very like health anxiety. What do you do to help it? I did try CBT years back for health anxiety but don't think I found it very helpful - probably wasn't doing the 'homework' properly. I just don't know where to start on trying to calm my thoughts and think (or not think!) rationally about this. At times I just wish I could die overnight to stop worrying about it.

OP posts:
quinnolivia · 31/10/2024 15:01

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GlomOfNit · 01/11/2024 21:44

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Thanks for your reply, it really helps to know I'm not just yapping into the void! Smile

I never found mindfulness very useful (I went on an NHS-run course a few years ago) though I find myself slipping into that sort of mindful state in certain circumstances when I'm not trying (walking in the woods, walking along an interesting beach on my own - something that doesn't often happen). I think I do need to try and give CBT a go again - I can't even remember how to get started. I'm sure a lot of this is about how to reprogram my thinking.

OP posts:
Iwantabrightsunnyday · 01/11/2024 21:52

Many of us deal with damp, mould and so on , my advice: fix today what you can and believe the best for the future

also, this is what life is, dealing with good days, bad days, issues to be fixed, healing to be done, different seasons of life

Marshbird · 01/11/2024 22:04

I’m post menopausal and certainly get way more anxious about stuff than I did.

about 3 years ago I divorced after 30 year marriage, and moved house. House turned into bloody nightmare. Drains Flooding, roof issue …all of which have had to be fixed at huge costs (I’m retired so life savings). Was then screwed over by bullying and abusive builder (he didn’t start that way). There’s a ton of work needed house still, but I’m terrified of male trade people now, a, concnered deeply about costs as they’re massive…

so I worry. I hate my house. In truth I’m afraid of it. Can’t afford to move and frankly I could go out of frying pan and into fire given state of what’s on market right now. I’m fine some days, then get very anxious or depressed about it.

I do try to distract myself, as retirement gives me too much time to overthink. I think being on my own means I can’t share the anxiety either, or validate it. So overthinking is massive issue. I find I have to work really hard at not even allowing myself to start thinking about it; put music on, tv on, go out to see a friend or anything to stop my brain going into a rabbit hole of worry. I also know worrying about house is displacement from worrying about a whole load of other stuff…and I know that the brain can get over sensitised to perceived threats (I’ve also been treated for cPTSD re marriage) …so brain gets tuned into perceiving threat more than pleasure and you can’t turn volume down. It’s bloody hard work to turn the volume down- distraction is best way really. Being able to pot early signs you’re overthinking and have a toolbox of distraction techniques up your sleeve. Ideally not involving chocolate 🤣🤣🤣🤷🏼‍♀️

but, I think it’s not uncommon. I think anxiety is common affect of menopause too.

Eyesopenwideawake · 02/11/2024 06:50

I'm sure a lot of this is about how to reprogram my thinking.

Yes, it is.

Hopefully your CBT course will have included something like this;

https://arfamiliesfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Cognitive-Distortions.pdf

https://arfamiliesfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Cognitive-Distortions.pdf

sarah855 · 02/11/2024 08:48

@GlomOfNit
Yes me and I did try CBT.
Mine is more about bugs as we have had a few problems with them in our current house. I constantly worry and check for them. Spiraled into worrying about other parts of the house. I totally hate the house and unfortunately wfh/don't have many friends so spend most of my time here.
I joined a gym to try and get out which sometimes feels impossible but I would go mad staring at the same four walls all the time.

Startingagainandagain · 02/11/2024 09:15

I am also often overwhelmed by how much work my 1930 house needs and how I am going to pay for it.

Like you I already have a tendency to anxiety and stress and I 'catastrophize' every problem, always thinking about the worst outcome.

I came across this blog where this lady is talking about her issues with her house and how it affected her mental health and how she managed to turn it around: https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/7937863490960347329/1711736897766437379

Might be helpful as well.

I do a Lot of mediation and exercise to try to reduce my anxiety these days. it is still here but more manageable.

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https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/7937863490960347329/1711736897766437379

TreesAtSea · 02/11/2024 19:09

I'm like this too, OP, with my leasehold flat. Many repairs needed, some of which I'm responsible for, others are down to the useless freeholder.

I have a history of mental ill-health, mainly depression and anxiety, and have also slowly come to the realisation that I'm likely both autistic and have ADHD. I'm now in my late 50s: the anxiety peaked leading up to and during menopause, but has eased a bit the last couple of years.

What makes it worse is that I blame myself for not keeping on top of home maintenance over the years. I've always felt completely overwhelmed by even the simplest things properly-wise. It all frightens me and I catastrophise too.
Each time I switch a light on, for example, I expect something to explode. I avoid using appliances and utilities as much as possible in case something else goes wrong.

Like you I absolutely know my worries are often completely over the top, but that's not how I feel. I don't usually suffer from health anxiety, but recently I've been preoccupied with the idea that I may be developing asbestosis (I had a slight chest problem and was a bit breathless), as my Artex ceilings are in poor condition... and so on and so on.

I'm sorry that I can't offer any solutions, but just wanted to be another voice saying that I understand.

GlomOfNit · 11/11/2024 21:56

Just realised I never came back to this thread! I'm terrible. Grin

Thank you all for your responses. I'll check out the links. It's 'good' to know I'm not on my own on this, but I really need to tackle the way I think and feel about it. Anxiety has always been a thing for me, back to a time before I even knew to call it 'anxiety', and I so wish it weren't. Perimenopause has definitely not calmed it! But I do have some days when I'm not completely bonkers about the state of the house, and don't peer sideways at ominous cracks and sniff obsessively to see where the damp smell is emanating from ... For the days when it makes me miserable, I need a tool box.

OP posts:
AlphabetBird · 11/11/2024 22:08

I had post partum anxiety that focussed on the house. We moved when I was very pregnant and it had (still has) a lot of issues and damp, and I literally couldn’t be in it when I was on mat leave. I used to spend hours walking around with the pram as I found the house so terrifying and would be unable to control my anxiety at home.

I still worry a lot ten years later, and still haven’t figured out all the damp patches.

I feel for you - it’s such an oppressive feeling.

GlomOfNit · 11/11/2024 22:24

AlphabetBird · 11/11/2024 22:08

I had post partum anxiety that focussed on the house. We moved when I was very pregnant and it had (still has) a lot of issues and damp, and I literally couldn’t be in it when I was on mat leave. I used to spend hours walking around with the pram as I found the house so terrifying and would be unable to control my anxiety at home.

I still worry a lot ten years later, and still haven’t figured out all the damp patches.

I feel for you - it’s such an oppressive feeling.

I think we're so often vulnerable to these anxieties at points in our lives when big stuff is going on. That sounds like it must have been really difficult. Sad

Oppressive is right! I think there's something very visceral about worrying about the literal bricks and mortar and roof over your head. Makes me feel so vulnerable. (then I remember how lucky I am to have bricks and mortar to worry about...)

I'm trying some CBT techniques, and hope I can stop this stupid circular thinking.

OP posts:
DeliciousApples · 12/11/2024 09:05

If I find myself worrying about stuff I try and determine if it's within my power to fix it. If it's not, such as nuclear war, then I give permission to note that down and move on. "Yes it'd be awful but there's nothing I can do so I'm allowed to not think about that as it's pointless".

If it's something I can fix, like the roof, I'd try and do something.

Are you in a position that you can remortgage your house and take some of the capital out to fund repairs? You're not over reacting to worry about dampness. Could you get a bank loan or sell part of the garden or do something to raise funds? It's ok to worry about "what will they find when they lift the roof" but you can't allow it to take over your thoughts. If it helps, write it down and then give yourself permission to think about it for say ten minutes at 6pm tonight. And do that. This will teach you to switch off. The key is writing it down so you don't forget. And setting a timer so you don't go over time.

You CAN get control again. CBT or Counselling is great.

OlderButDontFeelWiser · 29/12/2024 07:33

I’m exactly like this, if it’s any consolation. I’ve a pretty stressful job which involves complex problem-solving. In my work life, I’m logical and scientific, but outside of this, anything but. I notice that I become fixated on things related to the house to the extent I drive my wife crazy. I don’t want to pass this anxiety onto my kids, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and all that. I’d like to think we’ve passed on more good than bad, though.

We had some work done on the house a year or so ago (uPVC facias fitted), and I noticed we’ve now got condensation issues in the loft. This is a problem which I can’t just ignore, but my mind is racing, and I’ve been lying awake in the evening extrapolating all the disasters that are lying in wait - rotten rafters, plasterboard collapsing, roof replacement, eventually leading to living in a skip, etc. I’m the same with minor plumbing issues or anything else I’m not familiar with or comfortable with. My mind races, I catastrophise, and when it gets fixed, I calm down. I wonder if it’s the feeling of not being in control and having to then rely on other people for help and fretting if they’re honest or competent. It’s so silly and irrational, I know that.

I’ve not tried CBT and wouldn’t even know where to start, but I like the idea of writing down worries and concerns and then trying to put things in context in a timed fashion.

So, sorry I’ve not got anything particular constructive to add other than to try and say you’re not alone with these feelings.

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