Letting daughter out - anxiety

[Anxietyandme21]

Good morning lovelies,

I’m looking for some advice please.

How does everyone cope with letting their children out without horrendous anxiety?

My daughter is 13 and has only very recently shown interest in going out and meeting up with her friends.

However, when she does go out I’m constantly checking life360, calling her to check she’s okay and spiralling about what could happen - all irrational ofcourse… I worry about if she was to get kidnapped and I’d never see her again etc

Bit of background - I bought her up single handed for 11 years, so it was just us and I remember feeling so much pressure to keep her safe. A very close family member told me if anything happened to her because of me they would jump on me from a great height. No bashing this person please but that comment really stuck and I wonder if that fuelled the anxiety.

Also, although she is 13 she is a very young 13 - she doesn’t understand social cues and is quite immature. She will speak to everyone and I mean everyone - crackheads, drunks etc despite me telling her not to speak to people she doesn’t know. However where we live is rather safe. School are currently pushing for an adhd assessment if that’s relevant.

I Was just wondering if anyone has any advice and could recommend any books or podcasts or just anything really. I just don’t want my anxiety to drive a wedge between us and I worry if I don’t give her more freedom soon she will resent me.

Before anyone recommends speaking to my gp, they tend to throw tablets at me which I’d rather not take again. I’ve also already done CBT.

I think my anxiety stems from feeling a lack of control over a situation.

Thanks for reading guys xx

You need to be distracted at the times she is out. Go to a gym class, meet a friend and get off your phone. Leave it on so SHE can call YOU if necessary. Please don’t project onto your daughter that something awful will happen to her. If she is with sensible friends at the cinema, town, the pool etc this is all a healthy part of her growing up and you absolutely cannot stifle that.
you have seen your GP about your anxiety but have you asked about herbal remedies? Could be a good step to take as it must be horrible.

Not understanding social cues sounds more like autism than ADHD so maybe change the assessment you're seeking?

Do not put this on to her you need serious help so start with gp and or counselling otherwise she will end up needing it herself

My deal with DD is that she tells me an expected time to be home and updates me if that changes. I trust her to make good decisions and when I explained to her why I wanted to know she was quite happy to do so - this wasn't anxiety based though, just normal concern at loosening the apron strings.

We have a WhatsApp group we both use that isn't used for chat, we'll put a message in the chat when we change location - I do it too so she doesn't feel like it's just on her and for my own safety as I travel on my own alot and it's good practise to let people know roughly where you are. And it started as a bit of a joke but we also take a photo of any food and drink we eat when not together and send that too - it didn't start out that way but that's a handy way of knowing roughly where she is without being too invasive.

I’ve come on here asking for advise I’ve recognised I need help. Your comment is rude and very unhelpful. I’ve mentioned why I’m not going GP and have you looked at the wait time for counselling?

Definetly ADHD by her other behaviour traits

Agree with others about the distraction. Try not to look at the tracker unless you absolutely need to (because she isn't back when she said she would be for example) as they actually cause more worry than they solve.

Try to rationalise. We've all survived to adulthood etc we weren't tracked.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I agree that your daughter needs to move on and to a place of growing independence. But, as she is now, how you describe where she doesn't have good judgement around talking to literally anyone then it's a deal breaker for me. I would be looking for other ways to help her become more independent rather than leaving her to roam alone. You're not wrong to be concerned.

Can you not start off slowly? I think shopping centres/city centres are safe because of all the crowds. So yes she could get her phone stolen ( tell her to keep it in a bag) but she won't get abducted which is your main fear, simply because all the other shoppers would see. It's not like she could be dragged into a car in broad daylight with other people around.
So start off with a trip to McDonald's ( or similar) and then an hour mooching around the shops preferably ( for your own peace of mind) in a shopping centre and then say you'll collect her.
And just tell her she mustn't engage with anyone ( although to be honest the homeless people tend not to be aggressive at least where we live). Hopefully she knows never to accept lifts.

Did you work up to meeting her friends or did she go from nothing to being out for several hours? Around the last year of primary school I started to give my DD time on her own with her friends in town. I would take her and a friend to McDonald and buy them food and then leave them to it for a couple of hours. I would go get coffee or Pret and would be available for them if they needed me. I appreciate the time for this might have been and gone for you at 13 but I found the gradual increase in freedom easier than her just walking into town on her own.