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Mental health

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Original poster

A Midwife with PND? Don't make me laugh!

38 replies

2Blue · 25/04/2008 10:28

Ds is 9 months old - I thought I had 'got away' with it, had felt fine up until very recently. Not seen GP or anything yet, I'm still trying to fight it!

No-one knows how I am feeling (except dh) because as soon as I was pregnant all I got from people was 'oh well, if anyone will know what to do/be able to cope/solve problems it's you!' But my insider knowledge is probably doing me more harm than good... All I want is to be a good wife and Mum but all the while I feel as if I am wading through mud just to get through the day
I go to a very nice baby/toddler group and have friends from there so don't feel isolated as such. Just under pressure to look as if I know what I'm doing...
I hate the fact that I am a midwife, and feel it has spoiled my enjoyment of pregnancy. From the moment I became pregnant it was very difficult not to just focus on all the things that might be wrong, all the abnormalities I have come across through my work kept lingering in the back of my mind.

Any other midwives out there who have had PND? What did you do? (Feel free to namechange...I have for this one!)
(Well done if you've got to the end of this btw!)

OP posts:

ArrietyClock · 25/04/2008 14:53

I was struck by your statement that you feel under pressure to look as if you know what you are doing. I have little doubt that if your friends make comments like 'well you'll know because you are a mw', it's to hide their own insecurities, not because of any expectation placed upon you. I suspect they would be totally relieved to find out that you are finding it hard too.

And your training is as a mw, not as a mum and wife. Sadly there isn't a textbook for the latter two jobs and like everyone else you are making it up as you go along. It's hard. But thankfully it's perfectly ok to say so. I too would encourage you to go and talk to someone, if only to say 'I'm just about coping at the moment, but please keep an eye on me'.

waggledancer · 25/04/2008 15:57

I am a midwife and have had mild-moderate PND after 3 out of my four births. Have also experienced birth trauma and PTSD after one birth.
Like you I found my depression arrived later rather than sooner. After my last birth I decided to pre-empt the issue and took anti-d's from 2 months after the birth. Ds3 is now 10 months and I have stopped anti-d. This has been the mildest depression. It also helped that I made DH be "bossy" with me as I have a tendency to try to do everything myself. Don't know if that's a result of my personality or feeling professionally obliged, probably both.

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 19:40

Hi waggledancer good to hear from you (great name btw!) Congrats on your four dc's. The way I feel just now is that I never want to go through this again, how do you go from PND to 'I'd like another child now'?

Like you, I also take everything on as my responsibility and do too much (or at least try to!) Dh is fantastic and does loads when he's at home but does work long hours/on-call etc. I feel quite sorry for him as he must be knackered, and the last thing he needs is a miserable wife.

Hopefully I will get my act together soon! x

OP posts:

milou2 · 25/04/2008 22:21

I've been thinking about this thread and want to encourage you with your bravery and openness. Take care.

Original poster

2Blue · 26/04/2008 08:14

Aaaw thank you milou2 that's lovely of you

People on here have been so nice

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 26/04/2008 09:07

2blue, to put it another way, you didn't think that by becomins a MW, you would become immune to PND? Nice job if it worked that way!
I do remember the girl in the bed next to me when I had ds1 getting very emotional because
1/ She had been a nurse in the same hospital
2/ She had trouble with bfing.
These two things were unconnected but I think because she had seen so many Mums bfing she almost thought it was unprofessional to have difficulty!
Another point that one MW in my hospital made was that, having no children herself, she knew all about babies at the neonatal stage, as that was her entire experience, after they were 6 weeks she was clueless because most babies were discharged after that point! Possibly might help to explain the late onset?

Original poster

2Blue · 26/04/2008 12:57

I didn't think I would be immune to it... if only! But I thought I might be more equipped to deal with the challenges of being a new mum. Now that I am no longer quite so 'new' at it, I agree that could be a factor in the later onset.

It's strange coming on here today talking about this because today I feel completely fine! I read back the OP and thought, 'christ, did I write that?'

So far today has been a good day

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 27/04/2008 01:47

I don't think anything can really, truly prepare you for first time motherhood. Before you give birth, people can tell you what it's like but until you are in the thick of it, you have no idea what it's really like.
I remember bringing ds1 home from hospital, my dh and dsis were there, and I left ds1 with them to go and have a shower. When I came back I walked past ds1 and he made this little noise of recognition. I remember feeling overwhelmed by a sense of imprisonment, almost. Of all the people in the room he recognised me as the only source of food and I felt so bound to him and not really in a good way, IYKWIM! Also, the fact that I couldn't seem to get dressed most days till late afternoon, that unless I went to the local pharmacy, I saw no-one all day ( I made up excuses to go to the pharmacy!) that despite being at home all day, the place was a total mess and dh didn't really get why! Also, I felt horrendously guilty about having to go back to work and was trying not to think about it too much. Definitly think I had PND but was never diagnosed and didn't realise that things weren't always like that until I had ds2 and felt absolutely fine!

Glad you're feeling better today!

Nemoandthefishes · 27/04/2008 01:56

I am not a mw but I was a mental health worker and hated the irony of then getting a severe mental health problem. It was one of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome.

waggledancer · 27/04/2008 12:03

The need to have a child outweighed the fear of PND. However I have only ever had moderate depression, so don't know how I'd feel if it was worse. With our last my DH and I tried to be really honest with each other, and expected things to be crap. This made the down days a bit easier, and I had had basic CBT after our 3rd child (suffered PTSD after a traumatic birth), so could coach myself round to be more positive IYSMIM.
The feelings of guilt and failure are so hard to deal with, I also felt I should be better at being a mum but have slowly come to realise that some of us are destined to have these reactions to birth. On a positive note my PND has always gone by the time mine are 12months old so don't think this is forever.

Original poster

2Blue · 27/04/2008 21:49

Waggledancer, glad it things have worked out well... + chipmonkey - Good to hear some positives.

Nemo - I know exactly what you mean, I keep thinking 'no, this is what other people do, not me!' Similarly, before I wanted children, it just felt like something other people did, not me. Like having kids would be akin to taking your work home or something! How things change....

OP posts:

wrinklytum · 27/04/2008 22:14

Hi 2Blue,
As others have said nothing on earth prepares you for being a mum.

I am not a midwife but am a HCP and though I was fine after baby number one my second was a nightmare.I honestly think I had PND but was too embarrassed/stubborn to admit I needed support.Sometimes when you are used to being the "coper" and dealing with all the issues that comes with such a job it can be a real shock to realise when you are not dealing with the mum part of life.

I felt I should be able to cope,especially as I had done it before.In retrospect I think I was completely nuts for the first few months of dds life,I was overdoing it big style and was having palpitations/panic attacks,lots of crying and bleak moments.

My biggest regret is that if i had sought help I may have actually ENJOYED those first few months,bonded with my little screaming bundle better and I may have picked up earlier on her slow development and emerging SN rather than living in a blur of sleep deprivation and pretending we were both doing OK.

So please please if you are feeling down see your GP,they will be confidential.You are not failing,and the ADs/counselling will help,and things will get better. xxx

Take care,Wrinkly

Martha200 · 28/04/2008 13:43

2blue - I am not a MW, but all my work until I had my children was child/family related..
I had PND very severe first time around, ds1 5 now, and like you bfeeding didn't get established, I also spent a lot of time beating myself mentally up about how I thought I 'should' be and comparing myself as a mum then to me as a professional.

When I finally got around to seeing the Dr and a short spell of medication I was able to realise I was not a failure and I relaxed.
I was also worried ds1 may have been affected by the PND, but he was fine, and I think once I chilled out and stopped worrying he chilled out a bit too

sorry for quick response ds2 waking!

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