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Mental health

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Original poster

A Midwife with PND? Don't make me laugh!

38 replies

2Blue · 25/04/2008 10:28

Ds is 9 months old - I thought I had 'got away' with it, had felt fine up until very recently. Not seen GP or anything yet, I'm still trying to fight it!

No-one knows how I am feeling (except dh) because as soon as I was pregnant all I got from people was 'oh well, if anyone will know what to do/be able to cope/solve problems it's you!' But my insider knowledge is probably doing me more harm than good... All I want is to be a good wife and Mum but all the while I feel as if I am wading through mud just to get through the day
I go to a very nice baby/toddler group and have friends from there so don't feel isolated as such. Just under pressure to look as if I know what I'm doing...
I hate the fact that I am a midwife, and feel it has spoiled my enjoyment of pregnancy. From the moment I became pregnant it was very difficult not to just focus on all the things that might be wrong, all the abnormalities I have come across through my work kept lingering in the back of my mind.

Any other midwives out there who have had PND? What did you do? (Feel free to namechange...I have for this one!)
(Well done if you've got to the end of this btw!)

OP posts:

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 11:13

OP posts:

SquonkTheBeerGuru · 25/04/2008 11:17

sorry, 2blue, I don't have any advice, but wanted to reassure you that PND can happen to anyone regardless of their career.

It's not rational you see, it doesn't think "ooh, there's a single mother whose flat is dirty, I know, i'll go and visit her"

There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in admitting you are suffering from this. If you need a boost, please don't be worried about talking to the doc, or your HV. If they laugh, cry on them, that'll shut them up

cluttercup · 25/04/2008 11:21

Didn't want your post to go unanswered! Whilst I'm not a midwife, I can totally relate to the "Oh well you'll sail through pregnancy/motherhood with your experience..." type comments as well as the too much knowledge syndrome...

When I hit rock bottom (due to a combination of factors), I was lucky enough to have some very supportive friends who stuck in there with me. I managed to get through it, as you will, but if I hadn't have had such supportive friends, I would have been beating a path to my GP's door. Don't be afraid to seek help if you feel things are slipping the wrong way. x

WigWamBam · 25/04/2008 11:22

PND doesn't discriminate - it can affect anyone, no matter how well prepared they feel they are for it. And no matter how much people think you should be able to cope, if you are struggling then you need help.

I don't think it matters one jot that you are a midwife; if you are ill then you are ill and you should do exactly what you would advise any one of your patients to do - see the GP and get some help.

Don't allow yourself to give in to pressure to look as if you should know what you're doing, or to think that you have to cope because midwives somehow should be immune to illness. Admitting how you feel is hard for anyone, but it's the only way forward.

Please go and see the GP - ring them now and make an appointment. You know it's what you would tell anyone you cared about to do.

gingerninja · 25/04/2008 11:25

I don't have any advice but wanted you to know that I feel for you. It must be really hard when people put you on a pedestal. I certainly found it very hard to admit that I didn't enjoy / felt out of my depth and I'm not under any extra scrutiny. I hope you get some support.

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 11:37

Thanks for the replies everyone, I sometimes wonder do I actually have it, or am I just really not very good at this new 'job'. I could fill in that Edinburgh scale ten times over and still get an ok score... so don't know really. Am I just a miserable old cow? I keep seeing other people getting on fantastically well with their lo's. There was a midwife on GMTV this morning with beautiful triplets she looked so happy, why do I feel like this with just one? And it makes me feel 100x worse when people comment on how lucky I am etc to have such a gorgeous little boy who sleeps through etc etc

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missorinoco · 25/04/2008 11:38

afraid i'm not a midwife either. insider knowldge is definitely a double edged sword.
see your gp, you will get better and feel so much better.

missorinoco · 25/04/2008 11:38

bah. spelling knowledge wrong seems a bit of an oxymoron.

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 11:39

apologies for excessive etc's!

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Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 11:40

Hark at us pedants!

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PictureThis · 25/04/2008 11:45

Although I did not suffer from PND I too felt under a certain amount of pressure. Friends said the same things to me too. The worst thing was knowing what could go wrong when I was pregnant. A terrible tragedy occured at work when I was 28 weeks pregnant and I couldn't get it out of my mind. As with all tragedies they stay with us as I am sure you know and they will impact upon us in some way/shape/form.

My advice to you is go and see your GP / HV / anyone at work that you have a good relationship with. It may be transient but you appear to have an insight into it which is a good thing. Don't wait until things get really bad. Take the pressure off yourself for starters, no one is perfect. You are a mum first, midwife second.

PictureThis · 25/04/2008 11:48

Take no notice of the mw on tv this morning. What you see may not be the reality. she may feel like she can't cope at times. Don't belittle your abilities based on how you imagine someone else is coping.

Fullmoonfiend · 25/04/2008 11:51

Listen, my GP was off work for ages with PND if it makes you feel any better!
And having PND won't make you a bad wife or mum. Just a sad one.
What you do about the way you are feeling is up to you.
you can
a) struggle on hoping it will go away by itself (sadly, it propbably won't)
b) you can go to GP or health visitor (whoever you feel most comfortable with) and tell them how you are really feeling and get som help and support. Maybe even some ADs.

Please don't feel bad - if nothing else, this experience will make you an even better midwife, with insight and empathy

NotABanana · 25/04/2008 11:53

I had similar expectations. I used to be a nanny and knew all the practical stuff. I hadn't given birth to them though and that is what happened when I had mine. I delveloped PND each time and AND with the last one.

I wouldn't try and carry on. I would go to the GP and get some help. I can't manage without ADs at the moment and that is just how it has to be.

Good luck.

Divastrop · 25/04/2008 11:55

i can certainly relate to that feeling of 'i should be happy becaue i am lucky to have a healthy baby' but just not feeling happy and not being able to understand why.i imagine many women have descrobed feeling that way to you but its really difficult,if not impossible,to understand untill youve actually been there yourself.

the edinburgh scale isnt all that good IMO.my hv had me fill one in when ds2 had his 8 month check.my grandad was dying and i had not long split from xh,so of course it came out with a really bad score,even though i did not have PND.

if we are talking shoulds here,then i shouldnt have got PND after having my 5th baby,who was my first planned one and the first time i was in a happy,supportive relationship.i had plenty of experience so looking after her was easy-but i still got PND and am still on AD's almost 14 months later.

mimismummy · 25/04/2008 12:02

Hi, not a midwife, but am a nurse and i got PND with dd. felt just like you - like i should know better, should be able to cope etc, esp as my dd was so good and i had such a supportive husband. didn't admit my feelings to anyone other than my dh and hv - who were both brilliant. It's 6 years on now, and i have only recently told my mil (who I get on with very well). I went back to work and would spend a lot of time in the staff loos crying, but couldn't tell any of my nurse colleagues for fear they would judge!!!! (how silly!). Talk to someone about it - like i say, my hv was brilliant and talking to her really helped. It took me a long time to realise i wasn't a failure in any way because i had this - I was just human! Good luck xxx

Habbibu · 25/04/2008 12:03

2Blue, I don't have any experience/advice, but I do have a story which might at least make you smile. My mum had been a nursery nurse in residential care, dealing with loads of babies, for over 10 years before we were born. I was her second baby. She told me of one day when she was having a very bad time with me - we were both on the bed, she's crying, I'm crying, it's all not pretty. My Dad came in and said "Why is she crying?" Mum (weeping) "I DON'T KNOW!" Dad (dense) "I thought you were supposed to know". Miraculously, they celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary last week.

Mum would mention stories like this when I was having bad days with dd, just to show that no matter what your experience, having your own child is totally different, and no-one is immune from difficulty. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 12:41

Thank you all, it's nice to know there are others who relate to this. I feel a wee step closer to going to the GP now..

A lot of this probably stems from the early days when breastfeeding didn't go well and I ended up bottlefeeding - I have never felt so bad and was ashamed to the core that I couldn't do it. I still to this day can't think of a colleague who didn't breastfeed. And then I meet mums in the street I have looked after and they thank me for all my help with the breastfeeding... It just guts me that I couldn't do it myself

mimismummy - I know what you mean about not wanting colleagues to know...it's perverse really isn't it? They are probably the ones who could help the most.

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gingerninja · 25/04/2008 12:42

I certainly found I lost total confidence in myself after having DD purely because I felt out of my depth and had no control over my life (or so I felt) everything I was familiar with had changed. Friends, routines, sleep patterns. You name it.

The first year is very very hard ime but it is doubly hard if you punish yourself for thinking you should know what you should be doing. Every baby is different and unfortunately they forget to arrive with their instruction manuals so it really is no suprise that people struggle not just with the first but with subsequent babies. Being a MW must put enormous pressure on you to feel in control but you shouldn't punish yourself.

I don't think I had PND but I know I was absolutely and utterly miserable and lonely for quite a bit of the first year. Having said that, I'm not sure anyone on the outside whould have known that. It's amazing what a smile and some make up can mask.

gingerninja · 25/04/2008 12:44

2blue I can totally understand why you feel like that about bf'ing. As someone else said though, it gives you an informed insight into other peoples experiences and will make you an even better MW.

mimismummy · 25/04/2008 12:56

You should be really proud about all those who you did help to bf. It's such a sensitive issue - i also stopped early and felt so guilty esp as other colleagues who were pg managed to bf for longer. The guilt will ease, once your ds gets a bit older, and no-one will be any the wiser. Just keep talking and get in contact with your gp or hv. I didn't have ad - although they work so well for so many people - i got through it with listening visits from the hv, which were great.

scottishmummy · 25/04/2008 13:02

sorry to hear you are having problems.as a HP you have professional experience/knowledge of PND - but unfortunately no immunity

i am not aMW but i do understand your reluctance to disclose to colleagues.we all have a professional persona that we want to maintain. and feeling shame is an integral part of PND

but be reassured that you will be taken seriously

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 14:42

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post, your comments are very much appreciated. It's sometimes so much easier to tell all to a group of strangers than a real person. Hopefully things will get better from here on in...

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scarlettskye · 25/04/2008 14:45

Hello 2blue

I'm a gynae sister - had it twice and birth trauma once. like the op's have said - it doesn't discriminate and whoever it affects it is a cruel illness.
please go see the gp - you've taken the hardest step by saying something isnt' quite right.
hugs
SS xx

Original poster

2Blue · 25/04/2008 14:48

Thanks SS Will try + pluck up the courage!

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