ARGH! Am so confused and could do with some advice! Any would be helpful!!! Really am going mad.

[youngbutnotdumb]

Well here's the story and it's a long one but I'll cut it down to the main points.
So when I was 14 I went out with this guy for a year were all loved up as you are as a teenager Lol. Anyway about 9 months into the relationship I had a miscarriage at 6-8 weeks but I didn't even know I was pregnant so it didn't bother me too much which I know is wrong but... so I didn't tell anyone apart from my best mate at the time. A few weeks later I split with the guy a few weeks laer I just couldn't handle it. But a month or too later I started seeing my current partner and w now have a DC. All of a sudden Ex gets back in touch and starts tellin me he found out from said friend and now Im going to meet up with him because I feel like I owe an explination! But have realised that I have feelings for him again and don't know what to do as I still love my partner it is really messing me up! I havent seen ex for years. Any advice sorry for rambling on.

ANYONE GOT ANY ACVICE AT ALL? PLEASE!!!

Um... my advice would be don't meet your ex. You don't really owe him an explanation - you were 14, you weren't fully responsible for what happened and anyway you can tell ex all he needs to know by phone or whatever. Then say you think it would be best not to meet after all - you have your family to think of.

These feelings for the ex are almost certainly to do with how you felt then, when you were very young and emotional and going through a very difficult time. I'm sure it would be loads better to talk all that over with someone else eg your mum, a friend or even your partner if he would be understanding. Sorry about your miscarriage - I have no personal experience but I know from friends that feelings about it can go on a long time and come back when you thought they had gone.

Thanks snowleopard, I know I shouldn't meet him but I feel terrible now not telling him about it because he is absolutely gutted and seems to have gone a bit weird about the whole thing. Constantly asking why I didn't tell him, talking about how old the kid would be now and wat kind of things he wouldv'e done with the baby and even talking about names! Is kind of freaking me out but feel as though he needs someone to talk to about it and I didn't tell anyone else because I didn't want everyone nowing and to my knowledge he hasn't told anyone else so that's it. My partner knows I'm meeting him and he has just found out about the miscarriage and says he wouldv'e wanted to talk about it if it was him.

Also, it isnt 'wrong' to not be bothered about a miscarriage - however you feel about it is the right feeling for you. I have had two mc's since having dd and am not overly bothered though I can see how it might upset other women.

Hmm might do that actually. Just need to do something it's starting to get to me now and I don't want that. I honestly thought there were no feelings at first when we started talking again but now they have all come flooding back is that normal? Just feel confused and torn about what to do. Thanks for the advice ladies.

Yes or he can talk to anyone else too, his own family and friends. He's going a bit "weird" and laying all kinds of guilt on you - you don't need that. You don't have to look after him - let someone else do that.

I don't think you want to see him because you think you owe him an explanation.. I think you want to see him because you have convinced yourself you have "feelings" for him.

It's very simple really.. you have to think about how MUCH you really care about your current partner, about the hurt you may cause and the potential and irreparable damage you could (and would) do to your family (DP and DC) if you allow anything at all to develop from a relationship that should almost definitely remain in the past.

You have a choice here; don't be "swept along" by events however tempting that is to allow things to happen. You are in control of what you do.

binkleandflip, Thanks for that comment makes me feel abit better about the guilt of that it's just hearing about all thewomen who have lost children who were really wanted and then there's me sitting saying well no actually it didn't bother me that much of course it upset me abit but not to the stage where I was gutted.

Also, this guy got you pg when you were 14, and now he's being weird and demanding. He does not sound like a good bet - he sounds immature. Yes, I can understand he's had difficult news and he may need to talk it over, but that's not really your problem and he seems to be hassling you. If you got swept along with feelings for him, saw him and something happened, you could lose your understanding partner and family unit and for what? - from people I've seen do this, I can about 95% guarantee you'd end up with a less happy life. Sorry if I sound blunt, but think long-term...

No no Snowleopard I think I need people to be blunt! Honest my head is so far up my ass I dont know whether Im coming or going.

And just to be clear we were both 14 at the time and had been going out for about 9 months and was on the pill so wasn't just being a little slapper

I have since moved away from the area and am visiting soon so thats why the convo came up abut meeting him.

I'm sorry if I sounded judgy - i didn't mean to - just meant that as you were officially underage, it kind of isn't fully your responsibility - the age of consent is there because that's when people are considered mature enough to make decisons about sex and handle the consequences etc. You do sound like you were being sensible, but still, as you were both so young, you shouldn't really be forced to help him come to terms with it now, or explain to him why you didn't tell him. He's acting as if you did something wrong, but at 14 you handled it the best you could.

(Choc Rocking Horse-

I think it is partially that but in a way it would be laying a lot of things to rest wouldnt it? Well I think so because I wouldnt cheat on my partner. So I think maybe it would mean we could talk it over and get it over and done with once and for all. Or am I being naive?

I didn't think u were being judgey snowleopard just thought Id make it clear because someone has probably thought it when they read it. Its the most obv assumption really.

Honestly I'm starting to do my own head in with this because I know I'd be stupid blah de blah but it's just so confusing. Ive been with my partne for 8 years so feel abit like... I dunnoe I love him but am not in love if anyone knows what I mean? But I still wouldnt want to hurt him. I think it might just be a case of something exciting but I wouldnt even go there. Is such a horrid situation.

Oh dear everyone has gone!

the miscarriage happened. it was not because of something you did / chose, you didnt even know you were pregnant. you dealt with it and moved on. it was a long time ago and you life is v different now. what difference would it have made if he'd known at the time? it wouldnt have meant you had a baby together would it? the relationship ended as many m,any relationships st that age do. you have made important choices since then and have different responsibilities. how is it going to help him or you to stir all that up, if, as you say you love your partner. you might be better spending some time talking with new partner about your feelings than old one. not sure what you're finding so confusing really? maybe you just want a bit more "excitment" in your life and this is all a bit of a drama? good luck!

islingtonponce

as I said before yes it is a bit of an exciting drama. I dont want to stir it all up I want to put it to rest which is why its confusing! My heart says we should talk about it and be done with it but my head is saying dont even go there thats all. Its not like am off to have an illicit affair.

well, you did write

"But have realised that I have feelings for him again and don't know what to do as I still love my partner it is really messing me up!"

I have to say, I think "an illicit affair" is the outcome that is very much on your mind, even if you aren't acknowledging it.

Personally I don't think you need to lay anything to rest. If you want to talk about the miscarriage (which is perfectly reasonable) and lay your issues about that to rest, then your GP can refer you for counselling. The is very common and would be very helpful I'm sure. Your ex boyfriend is really very unlikely to be able to help you with that.

In the nicest possible way, wake up and consider what you have to lose. If you aren't happy in your relationship, address that independently of anything to do with the ex. If you are happy, don't rock the boat.. it's really not worth it. Heart ache all round.

Yes Islingtonponce I did write that but I meant more along the lines of surely if I'm having these feelings about someone else am I really happy or am I just kidding myself? Thats more what I meant. TBH I dont think I could go back to the ex regardless of situation because to much has happened since then. And thge last thing I want is for DS to be taken away from his dad, well that wouldnt happen but u know what I mean I want him to have a family unit not just being passed around if I can avoid it.