Do I have to give up my child?

[Ellasmumma2015]

Hi fellow mums,

Posting here to see if any of you have dealt with this. My daughter is 8 years old. She’s been the light of my life since she was born. All I wanted was to give her the best life and be the best mum possible. Being a mother was all I ever wanted and even as a single mum it just…she brought me nothing but joy. 4 months ago I started having sudden, severe onset violent thoughts. I was diagnosed with Harm OCD and put into therapy. I stayed with my daughter as I knew there was no intent and felt like she was safe. Unfortunately therapy has not helped in the least and now I have constant, racing violent thoughts about everything I love, but especially her. For no reason. I feel like I am afraid of her insides (weird intrusive thought I get every time I look at her) and can’t hold myself back from harming her (even though I have and she’s very much unscathed). I am planning on giving her to my family for a bit and checking myself into a hospital. But I’m just wondering - how does anyone ever go back to normal from this? Is it possible??? I don’t think I’m psychotic and at this point I’m convinced that I will just always feel this way towards my child. Who was my everything. I’m scared of even going and getting help because I’m not sure I’ll ever see her again, or if I do…it will all still be there. I don’t understand how this happens. What is wrong with my brain? I know I still love her - you don’t just erase almost nine years of love. Especially not the love I had for her. But like…what am I supposed to do here? I also hate that she’s too young to really understand that like…mum is not leaving because she wants to. And she didn’t abandon you.

This hurts so much. What did I do to deserve this? I can’t imagine having to start my life over without my child in tow. Like…I just can’t. But I can’t be around her due to the thoughts/feelings.

I would phone Social Work and ask them to come and see you asap. They could put a safety plan in place and hopefully speed things up with mental health services.

Have you done CBT therapy with a good therapist and are you on medication?

I think my daughter will be more comfortable staying with my parents, honestly. But I’m just wondering for the future. Will we even have a future? Will medication put me back to normal? I’ve never, ever felt this way about anything - especially not someone that means so much to me.

This sounds like a horrible thing to go through, but also treatable and I see no reason why you would not be able to have your daughter back when you're better. Showing that you recognise the problem and want help is really positive. Social services want children to be with their parents when it safe to do so.

ERP and CBT. My therapist is great but it’s not helping unfortunately.

Ring social services and sign a section 20. They'll put her with family or foster but you retain all parental rights.
Ultimately that is you being a good mum and putting her first. You can explain that your brain is poorly so you have to go and get better and you love her and maintain contact if possible.

I was arrested and my children put into foster due to a mental breakdown. They're with me now and we're all a lot happier. At the time it was the worst thing that ever happened to me but now I think it's the best because it was truly rock bottom and I got the help I needed. So please try not to worry about the future and concentrate on what needs doing now which is making sure your daughter is sage and getting help for yourself.

I guess my biggest fear is that this is a deep rooted issue or something and help won’t help me. That I’m just a violent person who wants to harm children. But I don’t understand why, after 8 years of being so happy being her mum. I don’t want to be this. I want my old brain back and my old happy life.

I’m so sorry you went though that. Honestly my biggest fear is that I’m not going to ever see her the same way and I’m constantly gonna be freaked out being around her. I hate this being her mom is the happiest part of my life. I don’t want to lose her, but I just I want her to be safe.

Sounds more like OCD than psychosis OP and I realise that it must be scary but intrusive thoughts are quite common and it doesn’t mean that you will act on them.

Not sure what you mean about checking yourself into a hospital though unless you are talking about a private one?

The threshold for NHS inpatient treatment is so high these days so you would more likely get some help from community MH Services.

First step would be to speak to your GP or ring 111 option 2 if you are in crisis

Good luck xx

It's no different to Mummy having to go into hospital for an operation or other treatment. There's every chance that treatment will give you relief from those thoughts and you'll be able to come out and go back to a happy life with her.

If you don't do it, though, that's where the risk comes - and you cannot do that to yourself or her.

I've seen many therapists over the years. The only one who helped me (literally saved my life and feels like my brain has been rewired) was via social services and was a therapeutic mental health something or other.
Obviously you're not well at the moment but you can get better with help and support. If you were a violent person you would have hurt her and you haven't.

thank you. I really like my therapist but it just hasn’t done anything for this. If anything it’s gotten worse. I wish I could’ve gotten medication when they started to shut it off before it got to this point because now it feels hopeless. I’m convinced and I’m just gonna feel and think this way forever. I hate thinking that the rest of my child’s life will be spent without me. I feel like what can they do for these kinds of thoughts?

I do understand that and I hope she will understand. It’s hard because I’ve never had to leave her for more than a couple of hours. I work for myself and even going to school and stuff like she always knows. I’m there to come back to. I keep trying to tell myself that I would never forgive myself if I hurt her, and I owe her that and I’d rather be out of her life then ever harm her. I made her a promise to keep her safe for her whole life and I owe her that but this hurts. I wish I could wake up in this nightmare was over.

You won't be out of her life, you can maintain contact. Maybe see if you can get her a phone so you can video call and text.

Unfortunately what they’ve told me is in hospital you’re not allowed to have a phone. So I won’t be able to text her or anything. Which sucks.

You could get a notebook and write to her. Give it to her when she's older and understands more.
It's really difficult and I'm here if you want to talk. I had crisis team in my house 7+ hours a day, every day for over a month, gradually its stepped down but I do understand how you feel and how awful a situation it is.

Plenty - because this sounds like an illness that requires greater intervention than therapist appointments, just like somebody could need surgery and medication rather than physio visits.

You entering hospital voluntarily means that you're all spared an emergency admission - you could use an analogy like having a emergency (which can still be very calm) section to have a baby due to baby's position, your tiredness and some concerning dips on the monitor, rather than a crash section, hysterectomy and transfusions following a long labour where the baby moved to a transverse position, the placenta started to come away early and haemorrhaging started.

You'd be doing the right thing to act now, as that significantly reduces the risks of the two things you fear most - hurting her and being separated from her permanently.

I do understand that. I just feel like I’m banking on a miracle, you know? That a few doses of medication and suddenly my brain switches back to the person I was. What if it’s not an illness and suddenly I just feel this way about her? What if I actually don’t love her anymore and will never feel that again? Or associate her permanently with these thoughts? What if I come out and the medication did nothing and I end up harming her or have to give her up? What if something happens to her while I’m gone - and I never get to say goodbye (she has asthma and some other health issues)??? I’m so scared the meds can’t fix me. I want to go back to me again. The person I was for almost 30 years.

Your concern shows you love her. The decisions you are making show you love her.
There no point at all worrying about what ifs, you have to deal with whats happening now.

So is she with family?
Are socials services aware?
Do you have support to get to hospital?

I have these thoughts. I was googling last week and saw the term harm ocd. In my case I know I don't act on them but they are annoying. I am not mentioning what kind of thoughts I have but quite distressing, but I can deal the thoughts.
And it seems they are calming down now.

Honestly no. My family won’t take her. They love her but my mom is “too frail” to watch her and my dad refuses to be responsible for caring for her.
I just give up at this point. By the way, we are in the states. I didn’t realize this was a UK forum. So it’s a bit different here but yeah same gist. I don’t currently have a ride, either. So yeah I’m in a bad place.

Thats what scares me. Why don’t I feel love? Will medication bring that back? Will it stop the fear of her insides and the horrible thoughts/feelings that I want to harm her? Like honestly. If not…why am I still here? I might as well give up my rights to her and find her a foster home or something. My family is shitty honestly.

I’ve been sectioned multiple times and always been allowed my phone x

Oh sorry, just saw you are in the states x

How are you now OP?