I don't know if anyone has watched that film 'Soul' on Disney, I watched it the other day with my kids and when it got to the part with the lost souls I felt a crushing feeling throughout my body as I related to it so much, I could have honestly cried.
Since leaving school years ago (I'm 31) and have 3 brilliant children (first fell pregnant at 24) I have struggled to find a career I know I will love. I finally decided a career in the police, just over 2 years later I was finally able to apply as my youngest then started nursery and my partner who works away said he will find work close to home so I can pursue my police career (he even said 'it's not fair for you to juggle work and taking care of the kids), I was so relieved. I got accepted and I can not explain to you how happy I was, for once I felt a huge accomplishment and felt so excited for the future. Don't get me wrong, my children are my biggest blessing and they are also a huge accomplishment, they are great kids but I also want to be able to reach my other goals in life and have a life outside of being a mum etc. I just long for more balance to life.
A few weeks into my training, I sat down with my partner (it was a weekend so he was off), I asked how the job hunting was going as it was already hard for me to juggle my training and mum life and everything else in between. He said he isn't going to look for work now and continue to work away as it is more money, I said well I can't do this job then? He didn't reply but just continued to be on his phone... so that was that. I can't commit to the hours they want me to do due to childcare, everyone he mentioned that could help with our kids have their own commitments so they can't help too. Plus, I didn't want our kids to passed around to different people as I want my children to have a good routine and for them to not be unsettled by having to be dropped off to whoever's house so we could go work. So, I made the very difficult decision to resign... already. I cried so much, I was angry as well. I finally started my own career and it had to end.
My partner the following week, when he was driving back from work (he works over 3 hours away) was on the phone to me (not handheld of course), he was telling me his week and how well he is doing, talk about promotion, how he's being praised for his work and whiles I was happy for him, I felt crushed. I hardly spoke on the phone because I was so upset I had to leave the police, which I had worked hard for, I done courses before I had my interview for the police in domestic abuse, dealing with challenging behaviour, just any course that I felt would benefit my work in the police, I was already so dedicated.
A few weeks after, I found out I was pregnant (I will be very honest here, it was not planned. I remember feeling very low when he wanted s*x and I just laid there wanting it to be over and done with, but he didn't actually ... finish... as kids knocked on bedroom door... which I was relieved tbh). And yeah... I got pregnant from that, stupid as we should have used protection but like I said, I wanted it over and done with, we hadn't had it in ages and I knew he was desperate).... so yep, please don't judge. Anyway, this pregnancy sent me into a whirlwind of emotions, I was still upset over leaving the police. I thought.. how can I cope with 3 kids by myself? My mind was all over the place, in the end I decided to not go ahead with the pregnancy... I was just overwhelmed and extremely worried.
During this time (with this stress) and at the time we was living at his mums to save for a house (which I was miserable in), it was cramped, her extremely whiney chaotic Doberman was just horrific to live with (sorry dog lovers, she really was, I also got bitten badly by its bloody fleas to the point I would bleed from scratching and looked like a had a disease). I had a blood clot in my lung, I genuinely thought I was going to die, the pain and struggling to breath was beyond horrific. I ended up being referred to NHS to deal with this pregnancy situation. Up at Kings College, I had the scan and they spoke to me about the procedure, because of how far gone I was I would have had to have surgery. As the nurse was explaining to me, I burst into tears and I said I can't do this, I had too much guilt... so, now I have beautiful little boy (after 2 girls) and I couldn't imagine life without him, he is perfect and I regret deeply of the thought of going through an abortion. But, it is extremely hard having 3 and a partner who still works away every single week.
Since then, I have tried setting up businesses, I have thought about cyber security (my head just isn't in it), it is a well paid career and something I can do from home though. And most recently, horticulture.
Back in June this year, a few days before my little boy turned 1, my dad passed away. We was at the hospital holding his hand until he took his last breath. The experience tbh, is quite traumatising, when losing a parent you carry very heavy emotions, obviously. When he took his last breath and his eyes rolled back they then landed on me... and that was that. He was gone. I remember I froze as I stared back at him, my older sister noticed and she covered his eyes over as we all stood there processing and crying, it's just heartwrenching. A week after, we FINALLY got the keys to our new house. A new chapter in life. But still with the heavy emotions of grief and I think.. trauma from what I witnessed; and me (and I just can't seem to help it) worry about the future of working. I don't want to feel like a failure and be in a job I am miserable in when little man starts nursery.
My dad was a gardener, he even worked at Canterbury Cathedral for years. It was only last week that I thought about starting a horticulture career, I love flowers, plants and nature and it would be lovely to follow in my father's footsteps. I messaged my mum about this a week after and she sent me a blunt message back saying how hard it is, how dad done this, this and that, he was good at is and her last sentence 'I just don't think this is for you hannah.'. I just cried as I felt crushed? I just feel like I am running out of options and feeling lost in life. I have done so many courses and passed every single one, I am fully aware of the commitment it takes on a profession such as gardening, I enjoy learning. I have god knows how many distinctions and merits in past courses, I am also very creative!
I just don't know what to do in life anymore, I adore my children. But I am also ambitious but I am SO restricted with what I can actually do, especially with a partner who works away? I thought about childcare at a place near me, but they want you to do evenings and nights too... which I can't do. I will be honest, my children's safety comes first. I don't trust many people around them, childcare is expensive too. We have a house to renovate and eventually decorate as we bought an old house that needed complete updating. I have tried setting a business up on Etsy with print of demand but no sales so far (I think products are overpriced so I don't blame people for not buying anyway) but with how print of demand works it's hard to make a profit and sell cheaply... I just feel like whatever I try in life I just get pulled back down again. I am determined but I really do feel worn down now.
I need advice please, I keep trying and trying but I am starting to feel completely lost. I have no identity, I can't even go to classes to dance or gym for 'me' time. Just feeling like a nobody, it's making me feel so depressed and I'm lonely all the time, missing my dad. I am easily stressed, irritated, anxious and so on. I have opened up to my partner so many times that actually now.. I don't say anything. Because it ends up in a heated discussion or argument and me crying and him saying 'if I work away we won't have all this!' (meaning the house and all the nice things we have in life... but hey, I guess that's more important than my own wellbeing. I struggle to find joy in life most days, and it's hard to be like that when you are a mum. No matter what, I take care of my kids. They are clean, fed and cared for in the best way I can even on days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry... but life goes on, I just need people to understand my situation and offer me some kind words or something I guess :')